Nadine Dyer (00:01.57) Welcome back, sister. We are so happy that you are here. If you caught our last episode, I am joined with one of my friends and sisters in Christ, Lisa Graft. And we are talking about identifying and releasing barriers of being our authentic best selves. It's like this journey to authenticity. And Lisa did such a beautiful job of really sharing how she had kind of lost her authentic self. And she almost became every tried to become all things to all people and then got exhausted and resentful and lost herself and kind of her journey back. And the big word that came up for her was boundaries. And so if you missed the last episode, go there. Okay. Listen to that first. But we're here today to really talk about practical applications, practical applications to our journey to authenticity. and how to really step into our authentic best selves and what gets in the way of that and all that good stuff. So Lisa, welcome back. So good to be here with you and why don't you take it away. Lisa Graft (01:06.479) Thanks. Lisa Graft (01:11.557) Okay. Yeah, I think. Oh, I would love to. I would love to. Yeah, on this journey to becoming. Like I said at the end of the last episode, I'm probably not even in the middle. I'm mostly towards the beginning still. It's only been a few months of the real hard work of... Nadine Dyer (01:13.662) Tell us something good. Lisa Graft (01:36.291) like from identifying this is not working and this is not how I want to live my life to taking the hard steps. It's only been a few months. so I, my encouragement, I guess, as we dive in is that wherever you're at on the journey, like it's okay. We're just going to keep taking small steps. And I think that's the biggest part for me was I tend to be like an all or nothing thinker. You know, I'm all in or I'm all out. And so then that even just even like my body language, when I say that I'm leaning in them, leaning out and everything about it's aggressive and reactive. And when you're trying to take your life back and, and walk in authenticity, it's, it's not about being reactive. It's about responding and being proactive and all these smaller more gentle ways to even say things to yourself and to others. And so when I first started with this concept of boundaries and I can credit and we can reference another podcast of Coach Mary, Mary Warner. So she started coaching me every week and then I joined a support group every week. And we started listening, I listen because I can't sit down and read ADHD, but I listen to the Boundaries books. We're going through this Boundaries book, it's Cloud and Townsend, it's this iconic book about boundaries. And the funny thing about that is that I had started that book like six years ago. Because somebody said, you might have a boundary problem. You should, you know, want you to check this book out. I'm like, good idea. And I'm like, I'm like, when I was like, I need to buy this book for a study. I'm like, I already own this. shoot. I'm like a chapter and a half in and nothing resonated or what? Like, I just wasn't out there. I wasn't in. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. And I wish I had been ready then, you know, but. Nadine Dyer (03:41.826) Yeah, you weren't ready... Yeah? Yeah. Lisa Graft (03:48.865) I was not. I had to live and make some mistakes first. And I sure did that. But I got into this boundary study. so the first thing is these small steps to take are not doing anything alone. Like isolation is the absolute enemy of growth. Nadine Dyer (04:12.174) Wow! Lisa Graft (04:14.565) Isolation is the enemy of growth. Nadine Dyer (04:15.299) Say that again. Lisa Graft (04:21.569) And the more unhealthy you are, the more you want to isolate. like it's just a natural response to it because then you're embarrassed and then there's more shame. like the only way to heal is bringing things to the light, which can be embarrassing and all of that. But and it's finding the safe people to do that with. And so that was one thing I had to learn as well. Like the difference between I want to be authentic and I need to be transparent. Like those two things are very different, which I did not realize. I was a classic oversharer because I thought, I need to be, if I have the attention that I need to be totally transparent. And it's like, whoa, whoa. So that was like, that was going too far in the other direction of. Like I just was so desperate to be seen and known and heard and seen for who I really am that like I overshared in an effort to get that. But that wasn't really the healthiest thing for me either because some of the people were not safe to do that with. So. That's why starting in this group has been really healthy for me. Just practicing. It's just, it's practice. It's practice, practice, practice. And it's like, I have these weak muscles, you know, and I'm, I just, started to go into the gym, you know, and you have to start with the two and a half pounders, you know, you do. And you're like, this is silly. I don't even think this is working, but pretty soon you're up to the five and the 10. And you're just keep building and, and getting those reps in. And so that's what the group has done for me and other safe relationships of kind of tiptoeing out of my hiding and going, hey, this is what I think, or I have an opinion on this, or hey, that hurt me. those were all hard things for me to say. Lisa Graft (06:25.125) I had found myself really trying to rescue other people from their pain. Even if their pain caused my pain, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna make sure you don't have to feel any pain, even if it's sorrow for treating me poorly. So those are all boundary issues and those are all things that we work through in this group together. So I think that is the biggest part of... healing and growth is not doing it alone. That's been the most practical thing. And then I think the other thing is telling myself the truth. And that's been, that's also been like a really hard journey because I didn't realize until I started telling myself the truth about how I was feeling, about who I am, about my preferences, about... Nadine Dyer (07:24.698) my gosh, we were in such a flow, but we have a visitor and you guys, I'm so sorry, but I can't not. So Gabriella, you can cut this part out unless you want to use the video part for Facebook. I mean, you never know because he's so cool. Lisa Graft (07:41.721) So cute. Nadine Dyer (07:43.392) It's okay. We're almost done actually so maybe 10 more minutes and we should be good to go. And then nothing else has been recorded. Okay, go play. Now this might be a problem. Hold on. Pause. Lisa Graft (08:00.429) Okay, so the other thing I think was telling myself the truth. I really needed to start telling myself the truth. And that was just part of getting to know myself and who I really am. As like a chronic people pleaser, you know, I'd really lost sight of what are my beliefs, what are my values, what's important to me, because it was whatever was important to everybody else around me. And so when I had practice, Not valuing even my inner voice for so many years. It took a lot of practice for me to even admit to my own self in my own head. Hey, you have an opinion on this. This is important to you. And saying, okay, it's like this inner dialogue with myself going, okay, this is important to you. Nadine Dyer (08:41.837) Hmm. Lisa Graft (08:53.047) Okay, good, that's okay. You know, had to tell my other self like, it's okay. It's okay. You said that. That's good. Okay. You know, so I'm like pep talking myself constantly, like constantly. I'm, I'm, I'm communicating with myself. Just to reassure myself that like, my needs are important. My needs matter. Like getting to know myself in even small ways is a huge deal. Like it's a huge deal. And I can't, how can I give myself if I don't know myself? And so I had to learn from the beginning. Like how can I give of myself if I don't know myself? And so I'm like, I'm a giver, I'm a giver, I'm a giver, but I don't really know what I was giving. Nadine Dyer (09:36.494) Right. Lisa Graft (09:43.331) I was doing the best that I could, but now in taking these steps towards health and going, okay, I need to get to know myself. And part of that is like, I'm a believer and I believe that God created me just so uniquely and so perfectly and he did not make any mistakes with me. And he has grace for my mistakes that I make and that's fine. But man, there's like, I believe I have a purpose in this world. I believe my voice matters right now. And if I'm not communicating it, if I'm not speaking it at all, even to myself, like I'm depriving the world of actually God and God's love. And I'm like, man, are you trying to talk about a barrier getting in the way? Like my most authentic self is to be a reflection of Jesus. And if I can't, if I'm not doing that, if I'm not showing up in that way because I don't know who I am or I'm lying to myself about what's important and what's not, man, was, it's just empty and frustrating and painful. It's so painful. And so it was it's telling myself the truth and getting to know God more and getting to know myself more and getting to know God more getting to myself more like that is the cycle the continuous cycle and so that's the conversation I believe I'm having in my mind is Is just this one towards health and going okay like and it is it's the slow tiny step one at a time because I really I think I referenced earlier, like I'm all or nothing. I'm all in or all out. And so I'm like, yeah, I'm all in on boundaries. Yeah, let's go. And then I'm like, I want to like shut everybody out because it's everybody else that's bad and I need to protect everybody and protect myself. And it was like, whoa, no, no, no. You find the safest people to do baby boundaries with first. And you just start like practicing. And that's where like those reps come in and Lisa Graft (11:40.961) And all of a sudden I feel like I can look at the mirror and go, yeah, look, B flex a little bit. Like, like I can tell I've been doing some work, which is really great. And I think the people around me can also tell that I'm just showing up much lighter. And that's where I think so there's this verse in Hebrews 12 and it says like, throw off everything that hinders and run the race that's marked out for you. That's the Lisa paraphrase, but it's like. Throw off everything man, you know how heavy it is carrying around like shame and carrying around other people's expectations and care like it's like boulders on your back and I'm like, let's run and I'm like now and I'm weaving all over the road because I'm like I'm gonna run your race and your race and what do you think about my race and it's like how much lighter it is to go, I'm just gonna throw that off every day, every time it creeps up, every, every moment that I have to. And it's a thousand times a day, I promise you that I'm like, no, I catch myself going, I don't need to put that, nah, that's in a boulder, I don't need my backpack. No, and stay in your lane, I'm gonna run my race. and I'm gonna love my people and I'm gonna love myself and I'm gonna love my God and that's the lane. That's what I'm doing. And that's the side effect of that is authenticity. Like you can't, if you're doing that, that's what happens is you're showing up authentically. And so that's what I'm, I'm trying to do it all the time, the best that I can. Nadine Dyer (13:19.628) Yeah. Yeah. And I'm watching it, right? So for those of you who don't know, I get to work with Lisa, talk to Lisa on a regular basis, and I am seeing the fruit. And it's amazing because when people grow around you, the fruit blesses you. Like, not only am I seeing the fruit and the growth, but it's blessing me. Like, your gifts are blessing me now that you're really stepping into some of those giftings. So it's just really beautiful to watch. and goodness gracious girlfriend, I have so many notes that I'm like, my gosh, I wanna make sure they catch this. So I write it down and I'm like, ooh, they have to catch this. So I feel like I need to do like a ladies, hey sister, sister, did you catch that? Did you catch that? Okay, the first thing that keeps coming up for me consistently is this, the word journey. And it's like, we will never arrive. Lisa Graft (13:54.583) Okay. Nadine Dyer (14:09.696) And everything is part of the story. It's part of the journey. So we don't need to beat ourselves up for being too far, too behind, or too whatever we might do. But it's like, I'm literally, I just kept hearing journey. It's part of the journey. It's a beautiful journey. It's a growth journey. It's a healing journey. It's like a journey to authenticity. Lisa Graft (14:31.331) Yeah, that's good. Nadine Dyer (14:33.378) I just want to remind you sister who's listening, it's part of the journey. Like where you are right now is part of the journey. And then the other thing is like identifying, I need to make a change. So it's like, okay, there's part of your journey that's not working. That's where you identify, okay, I need to make a change and it's up to me. And I heard that very clearly. I heard you say small steps. And then I heard you again later on say one step at a time. I heard you say run your own race. I heard you say responding versus reacting. I love that statement. I don't just react. I pause. I think I battled myself in my head. I had my crazy inner dialogue and then I try to respond. I heard you say it's a consistent work. It's like building a new muscle. It's a consistent redirecting. It's a consistent retraining. Lisa Graft (15:20.375) Yeah. Nadine Dyer (15:31.66) It's not a one and done. It's not like, I've arrived. It's this consistent work. I heard you say telling myself the truth. It's like, how can I be authentic if I'm not even telling myself the truth? Lisa Graft (15:44.047) Yeah, it's huge. Nadine Dyer (15:45.224) it's huge. I I heard you talk about isolation and gosh, there's so much more we could dive into that, but we'll see how much time we have, but like just how isolation is really crippling. And I heard this has come up, I believe on every single podcast, which is crazy, but it's just the power of healthy community and safe community. heard you talk about that. I heard you say when we don't step into our authenticity, the world doesn't get our gifts. You didn't say it in those words, but that's what I wrote. Like that was my takeaway of like, when I don't step into my authenticity, the world doesn't get my gifts. Like it's not just hurts me. I'm not just exhausted and depleted and stressed and anxiety and all the things that it affects me, but it actually also affects those around. Lisa Graft (16:37.69) Yeah. Nadine Dyer (16:40.076) Ooh, I heard you say the journey of getting to know myself more and God more, myself more and God more, myself more. And you repeated that? Whoa. It really, that's it. That's it. It's the journey to knowing myself more and God more and myself more. And the more I know myself, the more I know God, the more God. Cause he's the creator, right? So he made me. And, yep. I have a distraction with a little baby in the outside. That was so good. Okay. So. Lisa Graft (16:59.546) Yeah. Lisa Graft (17:06.533) you Nadine Dyer (17:09.398) Yeah, we'll kind of start to wrap this up. So what would you say right now? Like just practical applications, next steps. What would you say to a listener right now about next steps? Lisa Graft (17:22.265) Just to take one, just to take a next step, like you probably already know what it is and it's probably the hard thing you've been avoiding. Like that, that was it for me. Like that I knew and I knew that I knew, but I was so scared. And that's why not doing it alone. like made made the difference for me because I had accountability I had and not just like you said you were gonna do this you didn't but like the accountability of like I am scared to death and I'm I'm believing these lies that if I stand up for myself that I'm gonna be abandoned and if I stand up for myself and someone disagrees then I'm not worthy of love like Those are the things that I needed accountability with, not some of the more practical relational things, but like this, it's the, from the inside out, I needed people to... speak into me and and really I needed to reach out to them and say listen here's the truth and I hate that I think this about myself I hate that I'm feeling this way but I I don't want to keep doing it and so do do the hard thing and it doesn't have to be a huge huge step it's like the next right thing will lead to the next right thing and those next right things will become easier if you're surrounded with truth and community. Nadine Dyer (19:10.904) Wow. That's so good. What's the next step? Who can help you? What are the lies you're believing? What is your inner dialogue? It's interesting, because I've been coaching my 11-year-old on mental health, right? Because he's playing baseball and his head game, you can see his head game. And when he's doing well, he's doing well. And when he's not, an inner dialogue is something we talk about. all the time. like what's happening? It's like pay attention to that inner dialogue. What is it even saying? And then it's like is this true? And is this helpful? And is this gonna help me be my authentic best self? And if not, what... I love what you said earlier about like I'm constantly pep talking myself. Well if you're not gonna pep talk yourself, who is? Like yes, that's part of the job. That's part of it, is we need to our own biggest encouragers, our own biggest, we can't be looking to the world to do for us. It's an inside job, like you said, Lisa. It's an inside job. Lisa Graft (20:06.675) Yes. Lisa Graft (20:15.875) Yeah, it is. It is, yeah. And there is, yeah. And it was this time of like, not no one's coming for you, but it's, this is yours. This is yours. It's up to you. And what a gift even that is and has become. Nadine Dyer (20:26.379) Up to you. Nadine Dyer (20:32.556) Yeah, yeah, it's up to you. And that's the gift and the challenge. We can't believe anybody else but you. Right? I love it. Lisa, thank you so much for just sharing. This was so rich and so helpful. just again, just a reminder of the power of our mindset and the journey that we're all on. And sister, I just want to say that you are loved. Lisa Graft (20:36.717) Yeah. And the challenge, exactly. Exactly. I'm like, dang it. Nadine Dyer (21:02.062) You are loved. You are not alone. You have everything you need within you to do the next right thing. And I want to invite you to do that. And I want to invite you to continue to learn more about yourself, get to know yourself more and get to know God more and get to know yourself more and get to know God more and to be your own biggest cheerleader. To pep talk yourself as Lisa said on a regular consistent basis. Lisa, anything else from you? Lisa Graft (21:42.157) No, go get them. I'm so excited for you. I'm so excited for you. It's going to be great and hard and great. Nadine Dyer (21:43.31) get up. Go. Yes. And you know what we'll be here? So join us for more episodes. Plug into community. We have two different nonprofits you can plug into community with. Roots and Wings, where you can lean into your legacy, into your finances. It's all about women, wealth, and wisdom. Or Purposeful Living, which is about safe, authentic community for women. So tons of possibilities out there. We love you, and we will catch you soon. Thanks.