Nadine Dyer (00:01)
Welcome back friends, sisters. We are recording today with Carla Sands, one of our very own team members at Purposeful Living. I love this because I get so much Carla wisdom and Carla time, and now I get to share it with our community. And our topic for today is expectations, living surrendered. And we get to start off by really hearing Carla's story, what that means, what that looks like. So,

Carla, welcome to the podcast. Hello. Yes. It's an honor to have you, truly. And I'm just excited for the women to get what I get just from our time together on a regular basis. So I'd love for you to just kind of dive into this topic and the expectations and the living surrendered and what that means to you and for you. So just take it away and start wherever you feel like.

Carla Sands (00:32)
Yay, thanks, so glad to be here. I feel honored.

Right. You know, I thought about this topic because the Lord kept showing me the benefit of living surrendered to God's will. And I kind of want to back that up and say, hey, this is not how I started off. And honestly, I'm not doing it perfectly anyway. So I want to share a little bit of my life and expectations that I've had as I grew up. So I was

Born and raised in the church. I have two sisters. I'm a middle child. And as I grew up, there was a lot of expectations that I absorbed in my family life and in my home life that painted a picture for me as I grew up into an adult, into adulthood, that really led me to believe certain things that maybe weren't always accurate.

And let me give you an example. Let's see, one of those things is motherhood. So when I grew up, both of my parents worked. My mom worked, but every day at 6 p.m., she had dinner on the table for us. And it was home cooked. She wasn't an expert cooked, you know that wasn't her giftings, but every day at 6 p.m., she'd have a meal on the table. And that...

lovely space settled into my spirit and created an expectation of what a good mom looks like.

Nadine Dyer (02:32)
Got it.

Carla Sands (02:33)
So fast forward to my own motherhood. I am married for 15 years. I have three boys. And when they were younger, I had this expectation that I was going to be the mom that could do it all. I could go and work. And when my youngest was born, I stayed at home and worked part time and I was going to be a great housekeeper and I was going to put a meal on the table every night at 6 p.m.

And so what happened in reality is that is not who I was. I did not become that mom. In fact, I was throwing together some kind of casserole at 6 p.m. hoping it'll be done by 6 30 to sit at trays in front of the TV. That is what happened in my reality. Now, my expectation is sitting in my heart going, this is not what a good mom does.

Nadine Dyer (03:09)
Right.

Hmm.

Carla Sands (03:34)
And so it was such a beautiful, well, let me.

It was such a difficult space to sit in because what that expectation told me, it morphed into a lie that said, I'm not a good mom because I can't get dinner on the table, home cooked dinner on the table at 6 p.m. I'm not a good mom. And that little lie sat in my head and in many other realms of my motherhood. Little lies just sat in my head and said, you're not a good mom. If you can't do this, not a good mom.

Nadine Dyer (03:46)
Yeah.

Carla Sands (04:12)
I couldn't meet my level of expectation of motherhood.

And I have stories, you know, in marriage, in friendship, in work, where that's the case. My expectations became lies that I was telling myself.

Nadine Dyer (04:27)
Yeah.

That's such a powerful statement. And I really kind of heard you say so many things in that. The first thing I heard you say is I had these expectations and then this was reality. And then I had these almost like unreasonable expectations of myself and those around me. And then it morphed into lies, tapes that I...

vows, things that I was telling myself, speaking over myself that were not the truth, were not reality. And they were all because of these unreasonable or unrealistic expectations that I had set for myself.

Carla Sands (05:08)
Absolutely.

Nadine Dyer (05:18)
I think this is very common and I know I've done it and I know I do it. I want to hear more about those expectations and maybe, you know, I think about your work right now and I think about the fact that you went to ed, you were, you went to school and you were working as an aerospace engineering, right? That was your, what your education was in. So you probably had these expectations of the type of work that you would do.

and maybe the type of income that you would bring in. And then here you are doing women's ministry, part-time, and that probably looks completely different. So I'd love to hear you speak about your career and maybe even some examples of marriage and a couple of others of like how this shows up in real life for you.

Carla Sands (05:49)
you

Yeah, absolutely. I'm happy to share. So just as you said, I got my bachelor's degree in aerospace engineering. And of course, you know, my eyes are star studded as I graduate knowing what all the world has for me. And in aerospace engineering, it's a very lucrative job. I actually stepped into the realm of

aviation. I worked for the DOT both at North Carolina and Georgia DOT in their aviation division. It was exciting. It was a lot of fun. I got to meet a lot of cool people. I got to work at airports. And then the end of my aerospace career, I actually worked for aviation week space and technology magazine, which was, I mean, it was kind of high up there. I was feeling pretty

Nadine Dyer (06:39)
Pretty awesome.

Carla Sands (07:01)
pretty fancy. And so these expectations of, I'm going to be making a lot of money. I'm going to be doing some really cool projects. And then the reality is I did, I worked for the DOT. I had two kids. After my second child, I said, I can't work full time anymore. I was in tears. I remember I called my mom and I was in tears and I said,

I don't get to see my children. I come home, I throw together dinner, like I said, I throw together dinner, I put them to bed and that's it. That's all I get to see in my children. I can't do this anymore. So this expectation of being some high career woman, you know, really broke down at the point of I can't see my children. I can't spend time with my children like I want to well. Now, secondary to that, after that,

Nadine Dyer (07:33)
Hmm.

Carla Sands (08:01)
revelation I guess that I had. I did step into part-time work from home but that in itself were was unmet expectations. My expectations were I was going to stay home with my children and it was going to be lovely and we were going to smile and laugh and play all day and then also I was going to be really efficient at my work and and accolades all around but the reality was it was messy.

and it was difficult to balance this life with the kids and doing motherhood well and then life in a career and doing a career well. So, and as that shifted, I actually ended up being after the, hang on.

Nadine Dyer (08:59)
Take your time. It's all editable. Yeah.

Carla Sands (09:00)
Yeah, how do I wanna segue that?

I even remember where I left off now.

Staying at home.

Nadine Dyer (09:10)
You told your mom,

yeah, you told your mom and then you stayed at home and you realized those expectations weren't what you thought they'd be either. You had these unreasonable expectations of being a stay at home mom and how it was going to be, you know, I can only imagine what you thought it was going to be like as a stay at home mom, right? It's like we have this like, oh, I get to like go to the spa and I get to relax and I get to spend time with friends and have coffee dates with my girlfriends and...

Carla Sands (09:19)
Yes.

Yes, yes, Okay.

Nadine Dyer (09:38)
the house will be in order. Like all these expectations we have of being a stay at home mom and then reality hits.

Carla Sands (09:40)
Right.

Yes, yes. And that's probably the biggest shift that I had was after my last job in aerospace, I was actually called by the Lord, I felt like to leave that job and what happened after that was COVID. Everything shut down. And so my children were home, there was no schooling, there was online schooling with young elementary kids and a toddler at home.

And so everybody's expectations at that point were blown out of the water. Yes. So I continued to grapple with that. What does a stay at home mom look like? And I remember my husband coming home, this was pre-COVID, but my husband coming home and to a messy house, the dinner was not on the table, the kids were crying. I was crying. You know, I'm like on the couch.

Nadine Dyer (10:21)
Just a big mess, just a, yes.

Carla Sands (10:45)
immobilized because of this failure that I thought I was. I could look around and say I've failed at homemaking. I've failed at raising my children today. I failed at feeding them well. I've failed at welcoming my husband home to a safe, happy environment. And so this expectation that I could be home with my children and do all the things and be all the things to them

and to my husband and to my home, fed the lie that I was just not a good mom. This was not for me. was not doing, who am I? I don't even like myself. What happened here?

Nadine Dyer (11:26)
Yeah, I can so relate to so much of this.

it's interesting because I think about like unrealistic expectations and I'm hearing you go it leads us to disappointments. Like when we have these unrealistic expectations, then when they don't happen, it leads us to lies that we believe about ourselves, but then we're disappointed in ourselves and then it continues to feed the lie and then we're disappointed in others. That's the part that I really could relate to also was I feel like in my marriage, I did that a lot.

where I have these unrealistic expectations of my husband and the poor guy couldn't win, like could not win. It didn't matter what he did or how much he did. It was always not enough. And I learned that from my first marriage and was able to bring that into this, but that was on me and my unrealistic expectations of him, of myself, of the world, of reality, right?

Carla Sands (12:28)
Yes.

Nadine Dyer (12:29)
So tell me how

that plays out in your home of unrealistic expectations of others. I see how it feeds that tape of yourself, but I'd be curious how you would speak into your relationships.

Carla Sands (12:40)
Absolutely. Okay, so there's two there. There's the marriage and that's where I'll go. Growing up, you watch the romantic movies and you get this expectation of this person comes into your life, you fall in love and they're gonna complete you. They're gonna make you whole.

Nadine Dyer (13:01)
You

Carla Sands (13:03)
They're gonna solve all of your problems, all of your failures and weaknesses. They're gonna build you up and encourage you. And so when I got married, I absolutely had that expectation of my husband. I expected him to be my savior, Nadine. I expected him to come and rescue me from myself. And so when I'm thrown into this stay at home mom,

Nadine Dyer (13:23)
Yep, I can relate to that.

Carla Sands (13:31)
I'm sitting and looking at myself. I am such a failure. He's supposed to come home from a long day of work. He's supposed to step into the house and he is supposed to save me from the children who are falling apart, you know, and who are starving. He's supposed to come home and like grill up some steaks, you know, and let's, let's have dinner. How about you do that, my husband? And so I absolutely set unrealistic expectations for my husband and

Nadine Dyer (13:41)
Right.

Carla Sands (13:59)
The sad, sad, sad thing is I held on to those expectations and every time he didn't meet them, it was like another little check mark that I wrote to myself saying, he's not measuring up. He is not doing what I want him to do. He's not doing what he's supposed to do. and so these little check marks that just kept adding up, they became resentment and

Nadine Dyer (14:10)
Right.

Yep.

Carla Sands (14:29)
bitterness inside of me and that right there is a relationship killer and I could see my relationship with him crumbling at our feet and all I could see at that time was it was his fault. It was his fault because he didn't do what he needed to do right what I thought he needed to do.

Nadine Dyer (14:36)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Right,

right. Based on this like fairy tale movie Hollywood or what people project on social media or right. It's like it all stems from these unrealistic expectations, unhealthy expectations, these expectations that we force upon others in our lives and ourselves. And it's interesting you were saying, you know, they all became check marks of how he didn't measure up. And I think about that with our significant others. But I think about the check marks that had been built up.

about ourselves. And that probably is like 100 times bigger. And so here we are depleted because we're beating ourselves up. And now this person is not measuring up, right? You said there was two. So is there something else that you wanted to speak into that?

Carla Sands (15:24)
Absolutely.

I do want to share really quickly about my kids. My poor children, they're lovely. They're great. They are so fantastic. But let me tell you, I have some unreasonable expectations of my children. And it all came to a head with my third child. He is independent. He is stubborn and hard-headed and

Nadine Dyer (15:42)
Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, he is.

Carla Sands (16:08)
I struggled with that because this child didn't perform how I thought he should perform. This child was aggressive. This child was physically aggressive. This child was obstinate. And I'm going, number one, all the lies in my head of I'm a bad mom inflamed. I'm a bad mom. I can't control his behavior. I'm a bad mom.

Nadine Dyer (16:11)
You

I see.

Hmm.

Carla Sands (16:35)
He just hit a kid that was annoying him on the playground. I'm a bad mom and My expectations over him of you should be obedient. You should be able to control yourself three-year-old You know all of those expectations That I have over him so incredibly, you know now looking back at it so incredibly unrealistic And so not only am I hurting myself and telling myself

Nadine Dyer (16:51)
Yeah.

Carla Sands (17:04)
I'm a bad mom for this. I'm now projecting that onto my children. You're a bad child because you can't live up to my expectations.

Nadine Dyer (17:13)
Yeah, it's exhausting for everyone. Yeah, everybody. we don't even mean to do it. We're just driven and motivated, and we want what's best and all of that. So our heart and our intentions aren't negative, but then they become something that nobody's able to fulfill. So not one person. So talk to me about...

Carla Sands (17:15)
For everybody, the whole family is falling apart. Right? Yes.

Yep, not one person.

Nadine Dyer (17:42)
How have you broken past those, right? What are some solutions to these unreasonable expectations?

Carla Sands (17:53)
I'm gonna grab a drink.

Nadine Dyer (17:54)
Yeah,

girl, you get that drink. I am too.

Carla Sands (18:00)
I think the biggest thing for me, number one, was actually getting plugged into a really healthy community. And for me, that was purposeful living. And through this connection in purposeful living and the women that I met there, I saw an entirely new way of life. And what I saw was women surrendered.

to the will of their creator, their good father in heaven. And that is not to say I saw women who had it all together and didn't have unreasonable expectations. I saw women wrestling and grappling with these same things, but with the hope that Jesus brings. And so I learned from you, Nadine, I learned from several women in our community of what does it actually look like?

to be surrendered to God. What does that actually look like? I want that. I have wanted that all of my life, but I didn't know how to implement it and how to start it. And for me, one of the best ways I shifted into that space of, show me what a life surrendered to you looks like, is number one, I started reading my Bible and I was serious about it.

It wasn't just a passage every now and then. It was consistently in the mornings. Gosh, I remember waking up at 5 a.m. because my youngest one would wake up at 5 30. I wanted to get that 30 minutes of time and I made myself do it. I don't know how I did it. Now look in that. The 30 minutes of time where I could sit and just read his word and something that was recommended from several women was two-way journaling with him.

And so reading his word, getting a scripture, something that quickened my spirit, whether it was like, God, I don't understand this. God, this makes me angry. God, this doesn't align with me or God, this was beautiful. I would take that scripture and just talk to him about it. Be like, Lord, like, what are you trying to say here? What are you trying to say to me through this? I think that was one of the most impactful

habits that I started that helped me listen to his voice.

I could now, in my day to day, as I practiced that, because it wasn't easy at first, and sometimes it's still really not easy, as I practiced that, I could start hearing his voice in the day to day. I didn't have to be in the 30 minutes of silence and solitude. It was like I could walk throughout my day and God could check me and say, that's resentment that's speaking to you.

Nadine Dyer (20:58)
Now.

Carla Sands (20:59)
He would share, that's the spec in your husband's eye. Girl, you gotta log in yours.

And through that, through him speaking, I was able to say, okay, this is what a surrendered life looks like. It means, for me, there was a season of anytime my husband and I had an argument, I would always be the first to apologize. It's something he asked me to do. Every time, I would have to humble myself and I would go to my husband and give a full blown honest apology.

no matter how much I thought it was his fault. If 99 % was his, okay, but I was gonna say I'm sorry for that 1%.

Nadine Dyer (21:41)
Yep.

There's so much that you just shared, but the summary of kind of what I've heard you say is when we have expectations, it's almost like we're playing God.

Carla Sands (22:01)
Yes!

Nadine Dyer (22:02)
But when we are surrendered, we let God be God, and we get to be us. We get to be broken humans that are messy, that are, it's like that was the shift, right? It was like, I don't have to be God because God is better at his job than I am. So then I'm gonna surrender. And then you started having habits.

Carla Sands (22:20)
Thank you, Lord.

Nadine Dyer (22:26)
of, well, if God's gonna be God, then how can I surrender to him? Well, I had to know what he's saying to me in order to surrender to him. And these habits of surrender, which we can dive into on the next episode. So this really was more of what is Carla's story? And I love this topic of expectations and surrender. I just think this is so life-giving and something that I know I struggle with, that I know other women struggle with. And so we're gonna, if you, if this was a great topic for you and you wanna hear more.

Carla Sands (22:31)
Yes.

Nadine Dyer (22:53)
Tune into the next episode where we really dive into kind of more practical applications of shifting from that expectation to that surrender. But as we wrap up this episode, Carla, there any final thoughts that you want to share about your story of expectations, surrender, or anything else that's coming up to wrap this up?

Carla Sands (23:15)
think the only thing I would share is we all have those tapes that we play. We all have those lies that are deep seated that play over and over in our heads. So you're not alone. If this hits you in a certain way, you're not alone. And there are ways to replace those lies with the truth.

Nadine Dyer (23:43)
That is beautiful. Thank you for that reminder. With that, ladies, we will catch you on the next episode. We love you. We are so glad you're tuning in to us, and we will talk to you soon.