Nadine Dyer (00:01) Welcome back, beautiful sisters. We are so, so happy you're here with us. I'm here with Carla. We recorded episode one and episode one was really centered around her story with expectations and how expectations kind of became these lies and these disappointments and how her shift out has been a surrender and really learning how to surrender. Carla, welcome back. I'm so excited to really dive into the practical applications of what does this mean? What are some actionable items? What are some ways that we can go from these unreasonable expectations and really release them and walk in freedom and walk in our true identity and walk in surrender and walk in peace. And you haven't even said a word yet and I can ramble. So I'm sorry, but welcome. We're so happy you're back. Let's dive in. Carla Sands (00:56) Yes, I'm so happy to be back and you're so right. It is so exciting because there is freedom. There is joy. There is peace. There is unity. There is strength. Yeah, I'm so excited to dive in. Nadine Dyer (01:14) Me too. I would, what I'd love to start with, it's funny cause I never know where we're going to go. And then we know what I'd love to start with is what are some of the challenges? What are some of the negative things to having expectations? Right? Like what are some like, how, how is that a challenge in our lives? Why do we want to let those go? Carla Sands (01:37) Well, I think a lot of times expectations put weight where and burdens. It makes me visualize these rocks and these boulders and these stones that we kind of carry on our shoulders that really was never ours to carry. So expectations can come from Childhood expectations, expectations can come from interactions that you've had in relationships. It can come from movies. I mean, I don't know how many movies I've gotten expectations of what romance looks like or what a marriage, healthy marriage looks like. And while we live in the reality of our world and our world, even our society has expectations of us as well, culturally, where we were born, who we were raised by, all of those things. While we do live in that reality, the worldly reality, we also live in this spiritual reality of our identity, who we are, who we're meant to be, comes from God our Father, our creator, who loves us and made us with intention. and purpose. And so all of those weights and boulders that we put on ourselves because we expect to be someone or do something really doesn't align with the true reality of why we were made, why we're here. Nadine Dyer (03:24) It's interesting as you are sharing, there was a bunch of things that came up for me. The first thing was unhealthy expectations create burdens. And that's what we tend to do. And those unhealthy expectations are the ones that come from movies, outside world, what people have spoken over us, things we've even watched others do going, this that we carry that nobody ever put on us. Sometimes I put on expectations on myself that nobody put on me. And then I'm walking around trying to keep up with this expectation that's truly just like, where did that come from? But I also want to look at like, there are expectations that are also healthy, right? I do have expectations of my children to be respectful, to be kind, be whatever. can list off a bunch. I do have expectations of myself. to be loving, to be, so there are healthy expectations also. And I think the difference is maybe us going, is this an unhealthy expectation? Is this an unreasonable expectation? Or is this an actually healthy expectation? Does anything come up for you there? Cause I have more, but I could talk all day. So I have to pause. Carla Sands (04:45) Yes, I'd love to share really quickly a filter that I would use in that unhealthy versus healthy expectation is, is it in alignment with the character of Christ? So sometimes there are good, what we view as good expectations, but it is, It is not a godly expectation. It is not a Christ like expectation and even those good expectations Even if they don't allow they they're good for somebody else. They may be good for you Nadine But for me, that's not a good expectation for me Because it is not in alignment with who God has called me and created me to be Nadine Dyer (05:28) That's also a good point. Yeah, that's a really good point. And what I'm hearing you say is healthy versus unhealthy is where does it come from? Maybe we go to that filter of like, where does this expectation come from? Is this from something that is unhealthy, that is unreasonable? Is it from the world? Is it from toxicity? Is it from comparison? Is it from social media? Is it from where does it come from? Or is it from the word of God? And when you said that, the first thing that came up for me was How do I know if it aligns with God's word? I think we go to the fruit of the spirit. And I think that's a really good filter, right? To go to the fruit of the spirit. And I'll look that up here really fast so then we can go through them. But it's like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. we got it all. I always miss gentleness. And my little guy Josiah would always correct me. And he's like, mommy, I gentleness. Carla Sands (06:09) good. You did it! Me too! Nadine Dyer (06:34) So yay, but I think that's a great filter. Carla Sands (06:38) Absolutely, absolutely. Nadine Dyer (06:40) And it also goes back to when I'm in the Word of God, I will recognize the voice of God, and that will help me check myself of what's happening here. Where are these expectations coming from? Carla Sands (06:53) Yes, yes. It makes me think as well, Nadine, as you were thinking or as you were talking, how important it is to surround yourself with people who love you well and love the Lord. and can help you be that filter of, this godly? Is this aligned with his word? Because I know I'm not there yet. I can't know 100%. And certainly when I first started reading, I felt lost. So surrounding yourself with the women who are really, for you in a Christ-like, God-centered way is extremely impactful as we're weighing out. these expectations? Is this healthy? Is this unhealthy? Is this getting me to where I want to be in one month, in a year, in five years versus is this just going to drag me down? Is this just a waste of my time? Is this really just another lie that I'm adding to my shoulders? Nadine Dyer (08:01) Yeah, that's really good. It almost makes me want to go back to the question of like, how do I know whether that expectation is healthy or unhealthy? What are some like, like what's coming up for me is unhealthy expectation makes me feel burdened. And now healthy, unhealthy expectation makes me feel exhausted. And I tend to do that with the way I use my time a lot of times. I'm like, I should be able to do X, Y, Z. And it's like, that's just an unhealthy, unreasonable expectation. Who said that? An unhealthy expectation feels daunting. So I almost want to go, how will we be able to know? What are some feelings that might come up for us that go, ooh, I got to pause and go, are my expectations accurate? Are they healthy? Are they aligned? Are they productive, et cetera? Carla Sands (08:54) I love that and there's a couple of emotions that came up for me. One is critical. And this is critical of myself or critical of others. If I'm starting to feel like you're not good enough or you're not doing it right or if I'm saying to myself you're terrible, you can't measure up. Nadine Dyer (09:04) Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Carla Sands (09:24) Man, that's not an alignment. That's an expectation that I really need to look into. Where did this come from? Why am I believing this? And how can I replace it with the truth? Nadine Dyer (09:25) No. No, that's a critical spirit. That's so good. Carla Sands (09:37) The second emotion I thought of was Anger is such a big big emotion, right? So anger really can be very healthy in in healthy Expectations But that feeling of and maybe it's resentment bitterness like I shared in my story resentment bitterness this this buildup of And maybe it goes a bit back to critical Nadine Dyer (09:44) Right. Carla Sands (10:06) feeling of criticalness as well. But if you're feeling resentment and bitterness, that's a big, big red flag. Nadine Dyer (10:12) Yeah. Yeah, I think we're narrowing it down. It's like that critical spirit, the bitter spirit, that resentful spirit. The other one that keeps coming up is the burdened or exhausted, the I will never measure up feeling. Those are some good ones, right? That's a good starting point of like, if I'm feeling bitter or resentful, I need to pause and check my expectations. Carla Sands (10:42) So good. Nadine Dyer (10:42) Are my expectations unreasonable? Are they unhealthy? Are they from God? Or are they from me trying to play God? Or are they from old tapes? are they like, what's happening here? Pause, check. Then what? Okay, got it. My expectations are now unrealistic. Cool. What do I do with that? Because that resentment is there and it's built up and festering and it's eating me alive. And I can't even handle this human or myself. Carla Sands (11:02) Yes. Right. Nadine Dyer (11:11) What do we do with that? Carla Sands (11:13) Hmm. It's not easy and it takes effort and I think that's one thing that I really struggled with. It was gonna take me extra energy, time, effort, humility to really sit with that expectation and ask, I know now this isn't the truth. I know now this is unhealthy. Lord, help me replace it with your truth. What is it that you want me to know about this? So for instance, with my motherhood, this unreasonable expectation of dinner on the table. Lord, am I a bad mom because I don't put dinner on the table at 6 p.m. every day? Am I a bad mom because we eat meals in front of the TV more often than not? Does that make me a bad mom? And the answer I heard was no child. No. And he shifted me. So he shifted my thoughts away from the ways that I felt like I wasn't measuring up as a mom. He gave me eyes to see me like he sees me. And he showed me the ways that I set with my children. And we talked about emotions. We talked about hard things. That I was a safe space for my kids to come when they felt big emotions. Nadine Dyer (12:30) Hmm. Carla Sands (12:43) I was like, I'm a good mom imperfect, but I'm a good mom. And so taking that time, coming to a place of humility to say, Lord, I know this isn't true. Show me what the truth is. And that's another reason why we need to be surrounded by women and a community of people who can pour into us the truth, the truth of the word and the truth of who we are. Because sometimes that communication with the Lord can become really clouded. And the lies are so blind spots. The outside world's very, very loud. It can just tune them out. And so if we have people speaking into us that says, Carla, just because you don't have dinner on the table at 6 p.m. doesn't make you a bad mom. And in fact, I remember, I think it was you Nadine, said, what's the broken system here? And that's when I found like this Nadine Dyer (13:15) Yeah. And we have blinds. Mm-hmm. Yep. Carla Sands (13:42) this you know I could search online and I could click a meal and it would send it to the grocery store and the grocery store would deliver it to me and I will tell you now I am making home-cooked meals in 30 minutes and we're sitting at the table more often than not now and so once I was able once I was able to say I'm not a bad mom I have a broken system in this one in this case there's just a broken system Nadine Dyer (14:01) That's awesome. I am not. Yeah. It's beautiful. And even if I couldn't figure out the meals, I'm still not a bad mom because the meal thing isn't what defines me as a mother. So that's awesome. Carla Sands (14:11) And there's a solution here. Nadine Dyer (14:26) So what I'm hearing, I'm kind of, you know, I'm like a step by step, like, what are my steps? I want it. I want a guide, right? I want like a, a step by step process of how do I take these unreasonable expectations that are tripping me up, that are burdening me, that are turning me into a critical spirited woman, a bitter woman. Ugh, I don't want to be a bitter woman. That is not a fruit of the spirit. So how do I do that? And it's kind of like we pause and we go, wait a minute, this sounds like an unrealistic expectation. Awareness, got it. Then it's what do I do with it? And what I heard there is a summary of redirect. And I heard a couple of things under the redirect. The first part I heard was go to God and say, God. What do you, how do you see me? What's, what is the unreasonable expectation? Another thing I heard was go to healthy community and process with them and maybe they can help me identify the unrealistic expectation that might be tripping me up. Another thing that I heard was this truth and lies or lies and truth maybe is how I say it. And I do that often when I feel real stuck, that's like my quick go-to. I'll get out a clean sheet of paper and I'm like, what are the lies I'm believing right now? And I just write them out all out. And then I just pause and pray and go, God, show me the truth. And a lot of times it's, there it is. It's fixed right there. Sometimes I'm like, I gotta call somebody. I gotta process this with somebody. Cause this is not, I'm still stuck here. But I think it's that redirection. So it's we pause, we redirect. And then what I heard you say was we replace. And I think that's important. I actually just read today in Matthew about how, evil spirits were like cast out, but then they came back multiplied. So I think there needs to be a replacement. There needs to be a refilling of something that is healthy. So it's like, okay, what's the unreasonable expectation? What's the truth? Let me redirect. And then what do I replace it with that is healthy? And your example was beautiful was let me find an app. Let me create a system for this. Right? Carla Sands (16:48) Yes. And I think that even speaks to like what we're learning about the brain and maybe I'm just learning maybe it's been around for a long time, but these neuro pathways that we just get so deeply ingrained. So when we see something, we have this unreasonable expectation. That's what our brain jumps to every time. Right. And what we're doing is we're being intentional and we are Creating a new pathway. So when that unreasonable expectation comes up, we're aware of it We can pause and we can say I've done the work I've spent the time here to know what I can replace it with and instead of saying I'm a bad mom I can say I'm a great mom because or This was just a broken system. It had nothing to do with my intrinsic value as a mom and we can Start creating those new neural pathways because we're replacing it. So no longer will it get stuck in the ditch of lies and burdens. We're teaching ourselves to look to the truth and cling to the truth. Nadine Dyer (17:58) Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the other thing, and as we start to wrap up here, I'd love to almost fire off some like practical application ideas of when I am in critical spirit, when I am in resentment or bitterness, when I am burdened by my unreasonable expectations, what are some quick go-tos, right? Like I can think of a couple off the top of my head. One of them is gratitude. So when I'm feeling resentful towards, my husband, my children who didn't do X, Y, Z to my expectations, I can literally pause and go, Nadine, I want you to come up with 10 things you're grateful for this human for. Truly grateful. And it shifts me and it's like, I didn't even notice he took the garbage out. I didn't even notice he refilled up the water so I made sure I could get a cup of coffee in the morning and it was already filled up, right? I didn't even notice these things because we take so much for granted. So gratitude is one for me that is a quickshifter. Another one that really shifts me quickly and goes, okay, I don't have to be in resentment or burden or whatever is worship. I don't know why or how that works for so many things for me when I'm stuck, but goodness gracious, worship music. just even sometimes if I can't listen to music because I'm in a meeting or something, I can pause it in my head, think of characteristics and names of God. Carla Sands (18:58) great. Nadine Dyer (19:27) And that immediately shifts me because it's replacing, right? It's replacing the crazy with God with goodness. So I'm curious if anything else pops up for you that you're like, ooh, this works for me, or yeah, I can relate to that, or any other practical applications to help women really replace. Carla Sands (19:36) Yes. Yes, there's a couple that come up for me. One is God help. I don't know how many times I say that. I don't know, going to discipline my child and I'm feeling angry, you know, and I just say, Lord, help me, God help me. And, and, often there's a quick shift of like, okay, I'm, he diffuses the, the big feelings and brings me back into a place of discipline instead of. Nadine Dyer (19:50) Hmm. Carla Sands (20:15) Punishment and then another one for me, which I've already shared and it's not quite as quick but I sometimes I literally have to step out of the space that I'm in go to my bedroom or you know a quiet place and Get my notebook out and say Lord help me process this and I start writing down all the things that I'm feeling the anger the bitterness the why me the all the yucky stuff I get it all out and then Nadine Dyer (20:16) Hmm. Get it out. Yeah. Carla Sands (20:44) And then once that's out, God's able to fill that space back up with goodness, with truth, with calm, with peace. Nadine Dyer (20:49) goodness. Yeah. with the fruit of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, something, self-control. I had it. Gentleness. Did I miss that again? You know, another thing came up for me that also has helped me is I force myself. You said this earlier. I think it was in the first episode. I force myself to see what my part is. So when there's bitterness or there's critical spirit, Carla Sands (21:07) Gentleness. Yes. Nadine Dyer (21:27) It's kind of like, even if my part is less than 1%, I gotta find it and I gotta own it and I gotta humble myself and admit it and take that on, because it gives me my power back, because it's so easy to go, your fault, your fault, your fault, versus what's my fault? Let me own that. Let me sincerely humble myself and apologize for that part. And that helps me shift too. Carla Sands (21:40) Yes. Yes. And absolutely. And I think something so beautiful about owning that 1 % is when you go to that other person and you come in humility, what I've found is the walls of defensiveness or whatever it is, the emotional shutdown, whatever it is. When I come in humility, the humble posture and truly, truly repenting and apologizing, it breaks everything down and the lines of communication. Open backup. Nadine Dyer (22:21) Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right, so as we wrap this up, I hope ladies, this was helpful for you. I hope that you have some practical applications. You know my biggest thing that I would wanna leave you with with this, and Carla, you can kind of wrap this up afterwards is don't reply the way you always do. Like force yourself, like if you're gonna quickly fire off in this way, force yourself to pause and go, no, if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm gonna keep getting what I'm getting. And if I need to change that, then I need to change my reply. So almost like force yourself to try a new way to pave a new path and let's heal together and let's grow together and let's have healthy Expectations, let's have healthy godly expectations because when we do that everybody around us is healthier. Carla, how would what would you want to say as we wrap this up? Carla Sands (23:14) I think that was really great. I think you did an excellent job. I have nothing more to say. Nadine Dyer (23:19) Well ladies, we love you so much. We just, you are loved. And we're in this together. And we all have challenges. And we all have breakdowns. And we all have unhealthy expectations. And we can do this together. You are not alone. And we invite you into community, whether that's our community or whatever community is around you. Just plug into Healthy Community. because that's how we can become who we are created to be. We love you so, so, so much. Thank you again, Carla.