Nadine Dyer (00:02.808) Welcome back sister. This is Nadine Dyer and this is Linking Arms and today I am joined by Ms. Shan Wright and I am so excited about this conversation. We are going to be talking about releasing anxiety, releasing anxiety and I'm so ready for it. A little bit about Shan. Shan is a holistic nurse coach. She is a wife and a mom to four, birth four babies and listen to this. Every single birth, she struggled with postpartum anxiety every single time. And so it really fueled her passion and desire to help release anxiety and is now part of what she does. So I'm just so grateful that you're here, Shan. Welcome. Shan Wright (00:45.279) Thank you. I'm excited to be here. Nadine Dyer (00:47.346) And I wanna hear your story. So dive us into anxiety and how you have come to release it and where this all begins. Shan Wright (00:50.441) Yeah. Shan Wright (00:57.851) Yeah. Well, it begins probably from birth. Yeah, yeah. I was really your typical perfectionist middle of five child. So grew up in a broken family, if you call it that. Like my sisters had a different dad and then I was the oldest of my brothers with my dad and just a chaotic childhood. And so I took on a lot of Nadine Dyer (01:00.59) Yeah, let's start at the very beginning. Shan Wright (01:27.273) responsibility to be the good girl and to not make any more waves. There's already enough and just fly under the radar, get good grades, be the, you know, perfect attendance, star athlete, best friend, like just be good in every way you can imagine. And I didn't know that that actually was, it was rooted in lot of fear and anxiety that I was going to make life worse for my parents and for my siblings. And I was trying to be this good girl so that, yeah, from a place of fear and anxiety. I really, I mean, I didn't even realize this until college and like my senior year of college at that. I mean, it worked out for me well, all up through high school, it was, perfectionism was kind of a label I wore proudly. my parents would call me a perfectionist. My siblings would call me the favorite child, the good girl, like rag on me like that. But I was like, well, what's wrong with that? Like this is, I am, I'm getting good grades. I'm getting into a good college. I'm, I'm good at sports. Like what's bad with all these things. So I went to college and, got my first C. Nadine Dyer (02:28.397) Hmm. Shan Wright (02:52.827) And I realized I struggled with test anxiety is what I called it. And I, yeah, I, I struggled, but I was like, I can do this. I can study. I know how to study and I can pass nursing school. Like nursing school was kind of hard. I had to actually put sports on the back burner. I went to school to play field hockey. I had to stop doing that. I had to like, I just need to pass nursing school. And I couldn't believe I was at that point, but I was like, I really think I'm struggling with test anxiety and managing, you know, being perfect in college, which is very hard to do. So I ended up senior year going to my counselor or my advisor first and being like, I need to pass this test, my finals. And she's like, I think you need to see the school counselor. And I'm like, Nadine Dyer (03:44.526) Hmm. Shan Wright (03:46.825) reluctantly went, right? And I told the counselor right off the bat, I was like, I have test anxiety. And she was like, well, tell me about your family. Tell me about growing up. And I was like, she really just opened my eyes that kind of like put a little planted a little seed that maybe I was struggling with this for a while. But I was so focused right then and there on nursing school that I was like, I heard her but I didn't really Nadine Dyer (04:08.43) Okay. Shan Wright (04:17.087) take it to heart a whole lot. I didn't, again. Nadine Dyer (04:20.18) Just to you in that moment, you thought the anxiety was just about this. You hadn't seen that it was actually with you your whole life. Got it. Okay. Shan Wright (04:24.202) Yes. Shan Wright (04:27.683) Yes. Yes. And yeah, I didn't see that it was part of me or the way that I functioned. I just thought it was very segmented to certain parts of my life. And I ended up passing nursing school, which was great, and going into the real world as a young adult, you know, and this anxiety came with me. And I was like, is this, I would ask the seasoned nurses, is this what nursing is like? I don't know if I can do this every day. And they're like, just give it a year. And I'm like, I really felt like I was not well inside. Now looking back, I'm like, wow, I was burnt out already. I truly believe you can get burnt out within, there's no timeline, you just are. And I felt like I was burnt out very fast because it was just built up for my whole life. So I survived and I lived through those first couple of years. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to do travel nursing and I'm just going to go and maybe a new setting and a new scenery will help me feel better. I really didn't know what I was struggling with. I just felt like things weren't as perfect as I wanted them to be. Like the perfectionism, yeah. Nadine Dyer (05:53.176) Yeah. Isn't that funny? Well, it's just so funny how we're like, okay, this isn't working. So instead of changing ourselves, we're like, I'll just change the external. it's like, wait, hold on. That never works because you're still taking, taking you with you. You know? Shan Wright (06:09.149) Yes. And I thought that if I just found the perfect husband, I would get everything else would fall into place again and I would feel better. Yeah. So I did travel nursing and ended up meeting my husband and he was perfect, but he is perfect, but it did not solve any problems. We had our first child quickly after we got married and Nadine Dyer (06:13.678) Right. Nadine Dyer (06:19.757) Right. Shan Wright (06:38.687) Then I struggled with my first postpartum anxiety, but I still did not know that's what it was. I still didn't have anyone talking to me about that. I didn't have anyone asking me questions. I didn't have anyone even asking me if I'm okay. And so I just felt like this is normal. This is just what you do. I'm a high achiever. Things aren't perfect in my life and I just, I'm gonna keep trying to, till they get there. And I'm gonna keep you know, raising my daughter to be a perfect little human and everything will work out. Well, fast forward. Nadine Dyer (07:19.646) envisioning you like must be perfect must be perfect you know like this like Shan Wright (07:24.747) Oh, and I don't even think I, I don't even think I really knew I was trying to do that. It was just so natural to my whole life. Like that was just always what I did. I didn't realize I was striving. What? Nadine Dyer (07:41.078) identity? it was all part of like your identity? Is that how you would put it or? Shan Wright (07:48.511) Well, I believe when you are putting that label as the perfectionist, as I did on myself, I'm going to live up to that label. I am going to take that on as my identity. And I am going to say, well, perfectionist doesn't do that. A perfectionist doesn't break the rules. Perfectionist doesn't have a messy house. They cook amazing meals. They have perfectly behaved children. You live under this identity that you put on yourself or others do. Nadine Dyer (07:54.957) Yeah. Shan Wright (08:17.683) Another one that I took on, which is part of my story, is being shy. Because I was the good girl, I did not speak up. I kept all my words inside. And it was because I didn't want to, I didn't feel like I had a voice in a large family and a lot of other people talking, but I also didn't want to say the wrong thing. So I really kept quiet and then I was labeled as shy. So she's the shy good girl. And I tried to live up to that for so long. Like literally, it wasn't until I was like 36 that God told me you're not shy. But people don't see that as like a bad thing to call someone, but when you are saying it as a label, especially to a child, they take that on and wear it as an identity. Yeah. Nadine Dyer (09:06.85) Yeah, yeah, yeah. So interesting, right? And it's like, it's not even how we're wired or who we are, but because they spoke it over us, it becomes our identity and then we live it out. And it's like, wait a minute, this might not even be me. Shan Wright (09:21.481) Yes, yes, completely. Like I never felt that way, but I was like, what am I going to say otherwise? Because people see me as shy, so I might as well be it. I think that's what I am. So fast forward, I had my third baby and I had two perfect little girls and then I had this perfect baby boy and was trying to keep the perfect house in postpartum, cooking all the... No, like yeah, it was kind of crazy. Nadine Dyer (09:31.682) Yeah. Yeah. Nadine Dyer (09:45.966) I'm exhausted just hearing this, by the way. I'm like, what? Shan Wright (09:51.785) I also, I don't live by my mom and my sisters. So I'm living by my husband's family. So there was also that piece of, I have to present to my mother-in-law that I'm the perfect daughter-in-law and not ask for help and be like, can you come help? like, she just, you know, you have that different level intimacy with your mom than you do with your mother-in-law. And I just felt like, I just need to do this. This is, this is, on me. Nadine Dyer (09:55.726) Okay. Nadine Dyer (10:04.098) The function is on. Shan Wright (10:20.903) Anyways, I had an anxiety attack and not in the way that maybe run to the hospital, but I literally ran to the father. Actually, this is not, that's not true completely. Cause I was going to the hospital, the doctor's appointment. I was on my way to a postpartum appointment and I heard a podcast about someone describing their postpartum anxiety. And it was the mind you again, my third baby. So at that point, Nadine Dyer (10:43.854) Mmm. Shan Wright (10:49.247) when I heard someone else talking about it, I cried and I was like, okay, what do these tears mean? I think they mean, I feel this viscerally, like this is me. And so I went into the appointment, I literally went into the doctor's appointment and was like, I think I have post-partum anxiety, I was just listening to this podcast and I think this is me. And she was like, okay, well, and she like let me cry and then she was like, Do you want me to start you on medication? Do you? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I just, I just realized this. I think I need a moment. Um, I don't know, not jumping to any conclusions here. Nadine Dyer (11:26.926) What do you mean medication? I was driving over to you and it hit me. Shan Wright (11:34.315) Yeah, yeah. So then I go home and I still, this moment is so sealed in my memory. I am with my baby boy strapped to my chest and I'm in my prayer chair and I am just crying and I'm like, God, I think I have postpartum anxiety and I need help. Like, I don't know what to do now. I'm trying to keep, like, I'm trying to be perfect in all these ways. How do I have this issue, this problem? Nadine Dyer (11:57.294) Yeah. Shan Wright (12:04.223) I don't know how to fix this one. you know, I'm trying to be, I had a business at the time that I was trying to do postpartum. I don't know what was wrong with me, but trying to run this perfect business, perfect home, perfect marriage, be a perfect sister, friend, all the things. And I said, help me. I need help. And he said, now, I mean, this was in prayer, so I'm crying out to God and I, Nadine Dyer (12:06.094) Yeah. Nadine Dyer (12:20.27) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shan Wright (12:31.925) felt in my spirit, him say, no, like, you don't need help. And I'm not going to help you because you don't, you're not supposed to do all those things. It was like, as I'm listing off the things, God's like, who told you, you had to be perfect at all of those things. You actually can't. I feel like I exhausted myself by even like praying it, like help me with all these things. And he's like, do you hear yourself? Like that's crazy. Nadine Dyer (12:42.093) Hmm. Nadine Dyer (12:51.982) Wow. Shan Wright (13:01.107) And it literally can, and I mean, fast forward a long time. Well, I'll finish up. He said, he gave me four things to do though. So like, as I'm in prayer, I am like, okay, what do I do? And he literally gave me four things to do that were small action steps that I could take in this busy season. but it didn't have to do with a perfect house or business or any of that. It was four very simple things. And I was like, is that it? And he's like, do these things and you'll have peace. And I was like, okay. So I actually had to choose to lay down everything and obey, but I did because I wanted that peace that he promised. And I can't tell you, like I had my Bible open and it came right from, I literally just, it was a prayer conversation that I felt. Nadine Dyer (13:37.559) Hmm. Shan Wright (13:57.039) but this is crazy. Fast forward to literally this year, just a few months ago in the spring. I was reading the passage in the Bible. I think it's in a few gospels, but, it's in, it's in Luke 10 and it is when Mary or Jesus is visiting Mary and Martha's house and Mary is sitting at Jesus's feet. and actually this is in The Chosen. so I, I, now I picture the Chosen, the scenery and all that, but she's sitting his feet. He just comes in from traveling and is just talking. He's just sharing with the disciples and Mary and Lazarus and everyone's just, you know, taking in every word and there's Martha and she is the hostess. So she is preparing everything. She's getting them water and food and making sure everything is perfect. And she's stressed out because she wants to be at his feet, but she can't because she feels like she has too much to do. in the bottom, or she says to him finally, like, really, Jesus, help me. Like help me because it's unfair that my sister is sitting at your feet and I'm not getting help from her to do the hospital thing, hospitable thing. And in our culture, even like the women did all that stuff. So she's like, Nadine Dyer (14:57.964) Yeah. Yeah. Shan Wright (15:23.715) She's sitting there, she's not supposed to be, she's supposed to be helping me and I need help. And he goes, Martha, Martha, you're worried and anxious about many things. And one of the translations says, there's only a few things are needed, but indeed only one. And I've read that again this past spring and I was like, that is my exact prayer. That was my exact prayer that I had with God. And that is exactly what he told me. His word is true like yesterday, today and forever. Like that same conversation Jesus had with Martha is the same conversation I had and the same answer was given. It was, Shan, you're worried about many things. Only a few things are needed and indeed only one. So he gave me four things and the number one was to be with him, which is what Mary was doing. And it just was like, my gosh. Nadine Dyer (15:54.616) Hmm. Nadine Dyer (16:14.403) Yeah. Nadine Dyer (16:18.434) Yeah. Shan Wright (16:22.193) I want, so yeah, my whole story is now to help other Marthas to realize the first thing is to be with God and to not worry about all the things because they are not all on you. You don't have to take all that responsibility on. They work themselves out. If you do the few things that he's called you to do, everything else falls into place. Nadine Dyer (16:48.942) That's so good. Shan, thank you so much for sharing. I you had me, I was in tears at one point because I could so relate. I mean, even just this morning, I was talking to my husband and I was like, it just feels like I cannot keep up with it. Like, it's like, my house is not where it needs to be and I can't keep up with all the meetings that are needed. And I can't, like, it's like, it's like I'm juggling 73 plates and I just... And so like you just sharing that like literally brought me to tears. I was like, man, I needed this reminder, you know, and I hear the Mary Martha story and I'm like, yeah, yeah, whatever. I get it. Be with God, blah, blah. But I still have 17 things on my to-do list that must be. But so that really, really spoke to me. And then there was a couple of other things that really stood out to me about your story. And I kind of want to save the four for the our next episode. Shan Wright (17:22.986) Yeah. Shan Wright (17:29.482) I know. Shan Wright (17:43.061) Yeah. Yeah. Nadine Dyer (17:43.648) So you me on like things and needles. like, what are the four things I told you? But that would be a great one for the next one. I think it's so interesting that you have lived with perfectionism and anxiety your entire life and didn't even know it. Like didn't really even know, like even like your first two postpartum anxieties, it was like, this is just how you survive. And it's like, I wonder how many of us are living under Shan Wright (17:46.399) Hear those later. Nadine Dyer (18:13.09) this pressure and this anxiety and this perfectionism. And it's like, we don't even realize there's a better way. Shan Wright (18:14.923) Mm-hmm. Shan Wright (18:19.721) Yeah, and because of our coping mechanisms, the way that we cope with anxiety, and the big one for me, there's like four different ones, but the big one for me was avoidance. And that is me. I would, like I said, when I was younger, I would avoid talking. And that was out of anxiety and fear. It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say. I had stuff to say. And then this is a big one. This is kind of, I feel like, yes, anxiety can be in all areas of your life and it's like revealing those. So being that I can say I struggle with anxiety, I have to look under every rock. Like where is it hiding here? Where is it hiding here? And it was hiding in finances for, again, my whole life. And so being married, that doesn't work very well when you're trying to have a home and a family together. You have to talk about finances and... my sweet husband handled the finances for the whole first 12 years of our marriage and on his own, completely on his own. And I actually, when I met him and learned he was good with finances, I was like, my gosh, God sent him to me for that. Like, that's amazing. God, thank you. And then I learned that if you let one parent deal with all the finances in the marriage, that's like letting one parent do all the parenting. And I was like, I would never, if he put all the parenting on me, what a burden that would feel like, what a resentment that would build. And I was like, wow, that really hurt me. And I was like, I can't believe I've been doing that to him. And then I was like, why don't I wanna talk about finances? It wasn't that we didn't have money. It was because sadly, my dad struggled with an addiction when I was growing up. And so finances have always been a sore spot. I didn't realize, I mean, I knew they gave me anxiety, but I didn't call it that still. I was just like, I just can't talk about it. I'll just let you deal with it. And then I had a face that I was having anxiety whenever there was mention of money and why, and it was because of my past and I needed to heal from the past. And the only way to do that was with Jesus. Like he will heal everything. And so I had to Nadine Dyer (20:23.404) Yeah. Yeah. Shan Wright (20:46.483) work through that, do the hard work and admit it and be aware. And so, yes, that's happened with all areas of my life. When you have something, you can't just say, I have anxiety at work or I have anxiety at home or I have anxiety when I'm in meetings. It's like, no, if you have it, you have to be aware of where it's showing up everywhere. You're just covering it up with other things. Nadine Dyer (20:59.63) Right. Right. Nadine Dyer (21:09.262) Yeah, that's so good. I love that you're like, I had to look under every rock, like, where is it hiding? I also want to point out two things, and then we want to wrap this up. So be thinking about how we want to wrap up this episode. But I love that God met you right where you are at every time, you know, like, and he was so gentle with you. just love that about our Father. And I love that it's do these four things and you'll have peace. Those were your exact words. I wrote them down word for word. Do these four things and you will have peace. And so I'm so excited to dive into our next episode with that of like, what are these four things that will bring peace? And so thank you for sharing your story, your struggle, your authenticity with this topic. I think it's something we all are like, yeah, I have anxiety, whatever, but it is really something that A, Shan Wright (21:35.541) Mm-hmm. Shan Wright (21:39.413) Mm-hmm. Shan Wright (21:44.095) You know, we're gonna be here. Shan Wright (21:51.339) Mm-hmm. Nadine Dyer (22:00.01) affects us deeply and is not ours to carry and B, we can choose a different way. Like we can. So I'm excited about that. So what would you like to wrap up this episode with, Shan, for our sister who's listening? Shan Wright (22:01.664) Mm-hmm. Shan Wright (22:06.923) Mm-hmm. Shan Wright (22:14.919) Yeah, to wrap this up about anxiety, I would say the enemy loves to keep us trapped in fear. It's like his biggest game is fear and the Lord's always calling us to choose faith instead. So we have fear and faith and anxiety is basically fear wrapped up in a different word. And so if we walk around saying, I have anxiety, no big deal. It's like, I'm choosing to live in fear instead of choosing this faith walk that God's calling me into instead. You're making a decision. And I was constantly choosing to live with this anxiety because I thought I was being good. okay, yes, to put a bow on the whole good perfectionism thing as well, I realized when I was trying to live under that perfectionism, which was from anxiety, I was saying that the cross wasn't enough for me because I was saying that I had to be good in order to earn God's love, perform for it, to strive and be perfect to receive God's love. And it's like, no, that grace was poured out on the cross for me. And if I don't receive it, then I'm saying it wasn't enough. Like Jesus, the thing that you died for, I'm just still not good enough to reach that. So I think to realize that, This fear is not how the Lord wants us to live. He wants us to live with faith and courage, and it's all a gift and to receive the grace. And I will, in the next episode, share how I'm doing that practically, because I feel like that's a lot of pretty language, but I have practical strategy that I love to share. Yeah, me too. Nadine Dyer (23:58.242) Can't wait. I want the practical so bad. Give me the ABCs, please. Shan, thank you so much for that. Sister, thank you for being here today. You are loved. We see you and we get you. Nadine Dyer (24:18.348) You don't have to carry all of this alone. Nadine Dyer (24:24.844) And we have a community here that is willing to come alongside of you. We will catch you on the next episode. Bye.