Loglines versus Queries

After a resounding round of form rejections, I took a step back, revamped my query and synopsis, and am now getting back into the query trenches.

You’d think I know querying forward and backward — and I do, when I stop to think about it. But, recently, one of the query submission forms asked for a one-sentence pitch — a logline — I kinda flubbed it!


How? You might ask.

The query should be zoomed in on the first third of the story. It should be focused on the initial goal, and the starting stakes of the story.

The logline is for the whole story.

It’s gotta have the main character and the setting, but also the central conflict for the book, not just the initial stakes.

I almost sent out something that stopped far short of a logline. A sentence that only covers the inciting incident — the thing that kicks our main character out of her day-to-day life and into the story.

“When Lilivan’s envy of her chosen little sister causes marks of her Goddess’s enemies to appear on her belly, she’s got three options: kill herself, be purified to death by the temple, or run.“

Luckily, I double-checked myself before I submitted the query. With a lot of back and forth, this is the (not nearly pithy enough, but hopefully dramatic and intriguing) one sentence pitch I sent in.

“Devout Lilivan’s in hiding from the temple’s soldiers for the sin of envying her little sister, but when her sister’s in trouble, can she truly betray her goddess and accept her magic, or will she let the temple kill her sister for the good of the nation?”

Still, not quite a logline. I need to drop the character’s name and back it up.

Maybe “After envy of her little sister causes a devout apprentice to be cast out, she must betray her goddess and accept her magic to save her sister and redeem herself.”

What do you think? Got anything better?

What’s your logline?