00:00
          finding the Silver Linings in love life and everything in between welcome to the the Silver Lining podcast here we explore everything from Faith to relationships to personal growth and purpose join us as we Center these conversations around real life experiences and vulnerability as two young people figuring it all out we're happy to have you along for the ride on today's episode we talk about the first 6 months of marriage and everything that we've learned we talk about some of the things like leaving

          
          00:39
          and cleaving you know Learning To Die to self um the transition of moving from living in your own home to now living in a home together and shifting your center of gravity we hope you enjoyed today's episode hey everyone happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the first episode of our podcast so I think the last time we were here was actually Valentine's Day 2020 yeah and back then we were just like boyfriend and girlfriend and here we are now 6 months into mared wow times are flying yeah so we thought for our first

          
          01:12
          episode we would actually go over these past 6 months being married and talk about some of the things that we've learned how we've grown um maybe how we've been stretched a little um from both Shannon's perspective uh and my perspective so why don't you start with some of the things that you've learned as we've been living together and uh being married for these past few months first of all I didn't anticipate like how long you'd spend in the bathroom but yeah so like everyone that like makes memes and jokes online about

          
          01:43
          how long their husbands take in the washroom like it's actually facts I feel like you do some of the best thinking for me personally I do some of the best thinking on the toilet because it's like the only place where you have complete total silence and you're just focusing on one thing but like you're okay sure so to answer your question about like something that I've learned in the last 6 months I think really and truly has been like how important it is for me to have my own relationship with God and be like just like 10 toes deep

          
          02:19
          into the is that the 10 toes deep is that the same Hood gal out here is that the same 10 toes deep 10 toes down 10 toes down I think okay well whichever all of the toes are in um and just like digging deep into the word to like anchor myself because I know as much as like people make it seem like marriage is like a fairy tale and like all of these amazing wonderful sunshine and rainbows and all of the things while it is those things um sometimes or a large part of the times there are also really humbling um

          
          02:54
          stretching moments like you've talked about like earlier um and honestly I think it's by the grace of God that people have marriages that last like 40 50 60 years right and and usually those marriages are anchored in something beyond the people themselves and I think faith is that kind of driving factor that that really pushes you on the days where you know the feelings aren't all there yeah no for sure and it actually ties into my first point which uh I've titled servanthood Beyond uh feelings

          
          03:27
          and you know commitment Beyond feelings um because I think what I've learned increasingly in this season is you know when we get into an argument here or there or um even in in in in general in life even uh a non-marital relationship someone upsets you uh you're not inclined to want to do stuff for them like you want to seclude um yourself or you want to isolate yourself um or just focus on you and prioritize you in that moment and I and I found that part of being the man of God uh that the Bible

          
          04:00
          says that I need to be that I need to to love you as Christ loved the church um that means uh serving you and doing things for you and keeping status quo in terms of the things that you require and you need on a regular regardless of I'm upset of you regardless if I feel bitter with you regardless if you know I you didn't agree with my opinion on something you know and that may look like something as simple as like I still fill your water bottle up you know when we're in an argument like I could not

          
          04:28
          feel and I still make yes yes yes for sure and also too because now we're living in a home like we have shared responsibility I think when we were dating we had this opportunity to be upset each other away from each other and there's nowhere for us to go at least that wouldn't be the appropriate thing for us to do is leave is we have to deal with um you know the The Fallout of an argument um living together um and that could be tense sometimes that could be tough so you know that that that looks like you know

          
          05:01
          uh getting things for you that you need you know as you're getting ready in the morning or you know uh packing stuff for you or doing your laundry and all of the other things you know and I think like Beyond I know you said like like servanthood irregardless of like your feelings but I think also like just what you said after that like commitment regardless of feelings is even more important cuz it might not be like filling up my water but but it's like maintaining like the mindset and like the heart posture that okay even if

          
          05:38
          things aren't good like this is still my person their best is still at the Forefront of like what I'm doing is still prioritized like caring about them and their feelings um and I think like something that like I've learned because before like when you were dating and like you had the ability to just take your phone and fling it over there like if you ouch like if you clearly this is our first time but like if you had like an argument like you'd be able to like distance yourself but something I did in

          
          06:08
          the first few fights that we had um was kind of like choosing to like give you like the silent treatment but I recognize now that like taking time away in the midst of a conflict is much different than like weaponizing silence to like prove a point yeah and those are like two very different things and I think one of the things that we do now 6 months later that in the first month we weren't doing as much or second month as much is like now we like alert each other to what our Primal needs are in

          
          06:42
          the moment where we're having an argument so or like where conflict and like tensions are rising and whatnot um so like for you for example like you might often like what is it that you normally say when we're having an argument like it's getting nowhere I I think we should just stop having conversation take a break and come back to it right and so like what you need in that moment is to like have a reprieve and like leave from the situation not like outside the house but like just to have a a moment to like breathe and to

          
          07:13
          like you know collect your thoughts and like bring yourself back down to like Baseline um and for me like in those moments like you know you've addressed that in the past and you're like oh like can we just like not talk about this right now like I've been like really triggered cuz my need my primal need in those moments is reassurance um and so I think like where we've grown in the last 6 months is like finding like a delicate balance between the two and like being able to be vulnerable in the midst of a fight

          
          07:42
          because I know sometimes when you're arguing it's like you literally have to bear yourself to the other person to be like hey like I want to be right but I also like need this from you like I'm also feeling very vulnerable or very hurt or very insecure and you know In This Moment Like I know you need space but I also need to know that like you're there yeah and I think one thing that I really picked up from our premarital course which uh for those that don't know uh at least in our church body our

          
          08:10
          pastor won't marry us unless we take this premarital course and I actually suggest taking some form of premarital course regardless of your religion or some kind of premarital counseling uh because you learn a lot about yourself you learn a lot about who you are what informs how you communicate and maybe what triggers you during a fight and what we learned a lot is that your upbringing your environment and your family uh has a huge part in playing uh playing uh and how you react to your spouse you know so there's expectations

          
          08:42
          that may be unsaid there's context that we don't give each other and a part of this season of life has it almost seems like we're scripting conversation but that's what I initially felt when we were doing that course but as I've come to to to grow and and learn with you is I'm providing the context that you wouldn't know from the surface level like when you said that it reminds me of this or when you said that that makes me feel unappreciated or when you know you said that you know I feel like you're

          
          09:11
          not hearing me uh and being open and honest um and vulnerable yeah it it it is scary work but it's necessary if you're going to build a life that that lasts um remember that that one night we had that conversation and um I think I I asked you I'm like all right so you like to deal with it and and and get the reassurance in the moment I like to just um Retreat right and and again those are informed by triggers in our past so I said how do we reconcile and balance both of those things right cuz at some

          
          09:44
          point like you're picking the way that the other person wants yeah and so if you're constantly the person who you know like your thing is to want to have like a break but every time you're having to like reassure the other person in the midst of the fight then you're also kind of of like denying yourself the needs that you have um but I think like it really boils down to like compromise and in like the moment being able to hear both sides so now we've both grown to a place where you're able to be like hey okay like let me

          
          10:16
          communicate to her because she needs reassurance so like you'll tell me like hey babe like I'm going to take like half an hour to like go read my word or like to worship and like we did that one night and it worked really really well like we were able to like calm ourselves down and then come back and I remember like we came back before the time that we said that we needed but we were just so much calmer than when we left the situation cooler heads prevail yeah but like we were able to do that because we

          
          10:45
          communicated clearly to one another like okay this is how much time we need aart yeah and I think a helpful part of that process because there isn't a perfect science like all right the next 20 fights you get to deal with it how you want the next 20 I need need to and and like PSA if you're getting in marriage and thinking that you're not going to have fights then you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage because there's a lot of things that bubble up in that first year and there's a lot of things

          
          11:09
          that Bubble Up in year 30 and that's what our our our premarital counselor was talking to us about like there's things that uh it takes a lifetime to learn um and I think that's actually a beauty of of relationship is even though I thought I knew you in dating and engagement season there's so much that I'm learning about you that that I love and I appreciate but you know one thing I said in my vows and I'm not perfect at it but I I I said in my vows that I'm committed to doing is is to not keep a tally and you know

          
          11:40
          you do that sometimes I do do that sometimes and and it's not right and it's something that I don't like about myself um but I'm working on it and and and I'm working through it clar but you know even in that space you know now I can't come to you and be like okay but last fight we tried it your way we didn't do it my way I think what we're trying to say is that um one it's based on Moment by moment and and and two like having a heart for your other person of course if there's some kind of imbalance

          
          12:06
          then you address it right like we've always been trying this way I think for me it's more it matters more that I have a heart to to love on my wife the way she needs to be I think like fundamentally like respect is like key like I think as like a foundational thing to like build your marriage upon like mutual respect and like an ethic of care is really important so like regardless of like me being mad at you me like not wanting to talk to you or whatever the cases cuz you've done something so horribly or vice versa cuz

          
          12:40
          I can also probably do things that are horrible as well yeah if we maintain the fact that okay like at the end of the day like respect is the thing then I think it kind of shifts the whole way and environment that like conflicts can occur and and I want to make it clear like we're say like we're fighting but like we're not like having like these crazy like uh you know toxic fights I think if you actually if we actually CU you're a researcher if we actually take the data from all of our fights I'm

          
          13:11
          pretty sure 95% of it is just like Petty like I was missing you today or I had a bad day in another area of my life and I'm just like moody or or you know feeling a bit stressed um and one of the things that I think we're trying to implement more recently is is doing a temperature check you know every day because we call each other all the time like if if I'm at work you know uh she'll call me on my lunch or or vice versa and you know we're talking about how our day was and I might say oh you know this happened today at work and it

          
          13:41
          was just so annoying but I'm not really opening up about like how I'm actually feeling about that like you know this makes me stressed out like this makes me anxious about maybe job security or like there's so many layers to that one statement that I haven't unpacked with you and and one of the things we're doing is you know when I come home it's like you know what like I'm feeling like a six right now or I'm feeling like a four right now and again it seems like you're scripting conversation but again

          
          14:05
          you're telling that your person how you're feeling so maybe if today you had planned to talk about something that you wanted to correct me on or something that you wanted to address that was bothering you it's not to say that it has to be pushed aside but maybe this isn't the right time uh to bring that into the space when they're already feeling something so it won't Compound on each other because I'm sure you'd want to tell me or I'd want to tell you something when you're feeling at least not your best but at least in a better

          
          14:32
          space right I totally agree and I think like again that's something that it shouldn't always be like one person like always like you know closing themselves off from saying what they feel because the other person is consistently having level two days yeah you know so that they can't feel comfortable to like say something you know going back to your original point which was having your own relationship with God and and the importance of that um like I said uh Jesus says love your or in the Bible

          
          15:04
          says love your wife as Christ loved the church you know and die for your wife as as as Christ died for the church that's a that's a huge sobering calling not that I wouldn't never like jump in front of a bullet for you like I 100% would but I think it's even harder to um put aside your pride put aside your way of always doing something and airing on the side of okay what does my person need what does my partner feel about this situation and that doesn't always line up with your agreement of how they're dealing

          
          15:33
          with it um so I think for me one of the things that I need to to work on and be better at is learning that we're a unit and we're a team and that if you win I win and I think in my past and just in general about how I've dealt with people who have disagreed with me um I've not been able to take correction well because you know I've always seen it as an attack on my character so now in this season of life when when your career in me sometimes it rubs me the wrong way but I have to see unless you're like

          
          16:03
          actually coming to me and be like yo like you're you're straight whack like that's that's that's not correction that that's that's hurtful talk but when you're coming to me and you're saying hey I notice you do this maybe you can try it this way it's not because you're trying to like baby me or or like hurt you or hurt me or disrespect it's you want me to be one better for me and now we represent each other like we want to to to be strong in these areas for each other because we represent each other

          
          16:29
          you know when you go out in public when I go to work even though you're not there I represent us as a unit our family cuz even though we don't have kids we are our family right so I have to be mindful of that it's not coming from a negative place and I can't project and superimpose how I feel about that comment but again it's opening up that space again to say to unpack that and say hey when you said that I made me feel like this but I see where you're coming from yeah and I think that's why like for I guess for like the ladies

          
          16:58
          because narrative is that you know wives are always nagging their husbands like that's the narrative around um that kind of thing that you're just expressing I think correction done in love is much more well-received than correction that comes off as like nagging or belittling and that's something that I also had to learn as well I normally like not to like toot my own horn or anything but usually things come easy to me and so like sometimes I like this is like a real vulnerable moment for me but like

          
          17:32
          sometimes I assume that everyone will just have the same like ability to just get something like right away and I've had to be humbled like through our conversations and disagreements to like realize that you have your own set of strengths and the things that you're good at some of them I'm not good at like setting up all this equipment I couldn't have done that right um and so like that has been something that I've had to learn that you know I have to like speak speak to you with kindness even when I am correcting you because it

          
          18:04
          will be more well received than when I'm braiding you or you know neing I don't think you berid me like you're saying I don't no I don't think I do that but I'm just saying in general like I think the tone in which you communicate with your person again needs to be rooted in love and affection and respect otherwise it comes across as like you're not on the same team like this is somebody who like is enforcing like a power Dynamic on me like this is like a coach as opposed to my teammate yeah you know and like the

          
          18:34
          dynamic you should have in a marriage I don't think is like a coach and a I'm not good with sports what is a a coach and a player yeah it's more so like two teammates yeah that are in it for the same goal it's not like the coach who's like trying to get the team somewhere it's like two people playing for the same purpose all right so what I wanted to talk about next was um this idea of leaving and cleaving which which is which is talked about in the Bible and being united with your wife um I think a

          
          19:03
          lot of people have this idea that on wedding day um a switch just flips and you become a husband just like that um but beyond like a ceremony and a title it doesn't necessarily make you a husband and there's a lot to be said that can be um prepared for in the season of dating and engagement um that you can learn to do to prioritize your person um and you know that could look like multiple things like you you know getting your your finances in line so that you have a common goal together to build you know generational wealth or

          
          19:34
          buy a home or you know save for a wedding um that can look like you know defending your spouse um in in you know in in the face of other people who disagree with your relationship who disagree with the choices that you're making and I think our wedding season and we have to have a whole separate episode about that but there's not going to be a lot of people that always coign on your ideas but you still have to love and support your spouse through what you guys know that you want to do together um and I think just in general learning

          
          20:03
          to be the man that God's called you to be doesn't have to wait until that ceremony happens you know and and I've learned that um it's more important you know to be United with your wife through the things that you're doing then because when you're in your dating season it's all about your individuality but now you have to live and you have to exist with another person um and uh that takes uh some ground work and some prep work you know so that might look like let let's do this you know premarital

          
          20:31
          course that we did because we want to do stuff that we're going to grow our relationship um you know let's you know start looking at places where we want to live and you know talk about certain questions and and things about like you know what do you when do you want to have kids or when do you want to you know pursue a b and c in your life and it's going to take the time out of things that you used to do as a single person right so you can't be so uh divided in your time where you're trying to still live this single life and

          
          20:57
          trying to prepare for this marriage you know so that might look like you're not going out with your friends 24/7 but you're spending more time with your person so that you can grow in your relationship more deeply that may look like you're not with your family 24/7 as well but you're going to have to start prioritizing your person because you're going to live with them all the time right what do you think about that yeah I definitely agree and I think it ties into something that was really like kind

          
          21:20
          of like a rude awakening for me like obviously I knew after we got married I would be living with you and like this would be my new home and like I would have like a new family with you but I think it was such a Bittersweet experience for me like having lived at home with my parents and my brother and my dog for my entire life and then having to shift to now just living like just seeing you every single day not that that's a bad thing obviously but like it was just such a switch for me um and like recognizing like your center of

          
          21:56
          gravity shifts when you get married um as much as like you love and appreciate and would do anything for the family that you came from the family that you're building is equally if not more important yeah right and like um I think like it's really wonderful when the family that you comes from is also helping along like helping you in that process of like moving into this new new space and that's like a conversation for another time but I think it's been really helpful to like sort of navigate that through like having conversations

          
          22:32
          with my family right and like grieving the process of like leaving home like you see like all the time I don't know if this happens in other cultures but like in brown people weddings like or like immigrant children weddings like there's always like so much tears that like accompany the wedding day and like surprisingly like I thought my parents were going to cry a lot more but I think it's cuz they they lowkey like me so you know they didn't they didn't cry as much as I thought they would have but

          
          22:59
          it is such like and I'm not a parent right but I can I can like put myself in the shoes of people that have put their everything into raising this child and then this child is no longer part of like your everyday like they're they're no longer part of like your life in the same capacity that they were before yeah like I can kind of like understand like why parents like cry and stuff but like even for me as like a daughter like feeling like I'm not home anymore and like feeling guilty like you know if

          
          23:31
          like my mom's ever sick and I'm not readily available to like be there every single second of every single dat like it's a tough thing to have to like navigate but as I was saying before like it is biblical to like recognize that like your center of gravity shifts and a a really big thing that we're kind of walking through now is like navigating like boundaries with like family like extended family as well right and like thinking about and NE negotiating like how do we divide our time like how do we

          
          24:02
          use our time um how do we have our own Traditions but still you know like make space for like the the legacies and like the Nostalgia and like the the the traditions of our like upbringing as well yeah and I think something important about what you were talking about in terms of you know dynamic shift and changes um because there's a there it hits you like a truck when you get married like it's this weird dichotomy of like pure joy and like anxiety because you're like oh my God I don't know how to do this or you know how will

          
          24:36
          this look like and I think it's giving yourself the grace to understand that that season of your life is normal that it's going to be different that it won't always be like that and allow yourself to to to you know I don't want to be cheesy but go with the flow because you're not going to have it all figured out no matter what you do in your dating season of life you know relationship Tik toks or even podcasts like ours you're not going to have it all figured out so you need to give yourself the space to

          
          25:00
          to grow into that and and understand and recognize that this is a lifetime but one thing I wanted to ask you was can you name a few of those like very distinct things that were just weird when you first you know moved here cuz it wasn't like we had like a a moving in day per se um just like a process a process right but like obviously you were living here before so like that was one thing like you were already accustomed to like our home and like how you did things and like you had a routine of like being being here and

          
          25:29
          like when I came in it was kind of like well this was like Matthew's home know like we bought it together the first few months you were like this doesn't feel home back home doesn't feel home I feel like I'm like this like Wanderer yeah like I felt like this Nomad in between places of like belonging and like where do I belong because like like you said like my parents' home um my familial home was not my place of residence anymore right and then this home like I was n used to this being my home and so

          
          26:01
          that definitely was a really big thing to like get used to and like it took time like and I think like being like gracious to yourself is really really important because just cuz you're also grieving and mourning or like experiencing these feelings of like bitter sweetness which is really what it is like joy and like you say this all the time but like joy and sorrow kind of like run parallel in life and that's really what it was I think like throughout our wedding planning Journey we experienced some really really low

          
          26:30
          lows yeah but we also obviously got married and it was something that we really wanted and something that brings us such great joy like being together and living together and being husband and wife but yeah like knowing that if you're feeling moments of extreme sadness because you're grieving those relationships that no longer look the way that they once used to I think that that's normal and we kind of like categorize things so it's one way or the other like black and white and you're allow owed to have areas of gray yeah um

          
          27:01
          and I was like feeling guilty at first cuz I was like how like why do I feel like this I married the best guy in the world like this should be the most married the best girl in the world thanks but like I was like this should be the most amazing fairy tale kind of thing of my life but then I was recognizing that I was also processing like and my therapist was telling me like these periods of transition are fraught with all sorts of emotions that are like on varying parts of the spectrum so it's only normal and natural

          
          27:30
          for you to feel conflicting feelings about things and it's not that I've ever like felt conflicting feelings about you but the transition itself has been riddled with so many different mixed emotions well I talked about this recently on Instagram that you need to allow your spouse the spa the space to feel what they feel um one without getting triggered as if like they're upset at you or internalize that like if Shannon's happy oh well I just haven't built life that she's happy about and it's my fault like she's she's not happy

          
          28:02
          because of me but recognizing that there's so many things underlying and that's such a loaded way of looking at like how you're feeling like there's so much things that I can't see from the surface like we mentioned before um so you know not internalizing that but being with your person through that cuz now we're in the space where when we're out in certain settings where she's comfortable she's an extrovert but normally she's an introvert and her social battery dies like 20 minutes into any social event 15 minutes

          
          28:29
          um but now I you know when I see that look from your face or when I when I go and talk with you you're like I want to go to my home so now you feel like it's your home so what do you think helped you transition into the space of this feels like home honestly I think time is a really big thing like in any adjustment in in life in anything that requires change you have to give yourself time to like acclimate to like adjust um to learn how to like be flexible in the new whatever it is the city new the new relationship whatever

          
          29:03
          the is um so yeah I think time was a really big thing all right so I just want to do something quick before we wrap up so name uh two of the best things about you know marriage now and being a homeowner and and two of the most challenging things okay so I think we should do one in one so then it's like I don't steal your answers like when the kid puts their hand up in class and you're like well I was going to say so that's why it's fair okay so the best thing about marriage for me is like knowing that you have

          
          29:35
          someone that is like riding with you till the end you know like that L doicle that that level that level of commitment and like covering the Covenant of marriage like knowing that no matter what like you're there for me and you are for me is like a really big thing for me and it's like ground and it like helps my anxiety knowing that you know our relationship is solid like being married is a different level of covering from being engaged or from dating like I just want to put that out there like the

          
          30:12
          fact that like we are literally under God in Covenant with one another is a whole different realm of commitment to me just being your boyfriend I mean girlfriend to me just being your girlfriend and you being my boyfriend like I just want to put that out there first and foremost so that's the biggest thing like knowing that I covered I'm spoken for by you like I am protected by you I am like someone has my back every single day like that is the best part of marriage so far and it's like an intimacy on a different level than than

          
          30:48
          just the dating season I think for me if maybe I'll go with mine next is um I think the best thing uh about marriage for me is that um I I've realized that there's so much more depth to the love that you have for me than just that season of dating like I I don't want to be like I don't want to sound like um you know like uh oldfashioned or anything but uh when we first uh got married in those first few weeks I went back to work and I came home like you came correct with like the best meals ever and I didn't know that there was

          
          31:20
          even more of a deeper way that I could love you because it wasn't that you were just making these bomb um you know Carmen bado type meals for me every time I came home but it was the fact that you cared about me so much to take your time and your effort to like craft something so tasty and so beautiful and something that like it just spoke to my heart in a way that you know that was refreshing because you know when you're when you're dating um you say and you do a lot of things to show you know that you love

          
          31:47
          people um but when you're married you have an opportunity to like be with that person every day and and love doesn't always look like the grand gestures it looks like the everyday commitment and and you you entered married life so gracefully like knowing who you are and and how hard change is for you I just want to give you credit that like you you came into married life and like you stepped up to the plate and it was like as if you had been had been doing this for like years um and I've just loveed

          
          32:15
          seeing you grow in this new season of life cuz you are this well-rounded amazing woman that I'm so proud that I got to to marry on August 3rd 2024 thanks all right so so hopefully there there won't be any sad tears in this next part but what's been the most challenging part of of marriage and living together I honestly think the most challenging part of marriage hasn't been anything to do with us but like outside like voices opinions like it's really wild but like Christian people are not like married or not divorced or

          
          32:51
          not like regardless of the age group how long they've been married everything that we've heard from people consistently is negative about marriage like the rhetoric about marriage is like oh like well that feeling's going to wear off oh marriage is how's marriage marriage is good oh well well she won't make you those meals uh after you're one right or like or even beyond that like oh like you know like it's only good right now or like communication if it's if it's like struggling now it only gets

          
          33:22
          worse as you have like kids and this this this and like the thought process is that like you know if there are issues or like little things here and there like they will get worse which I think is true if you're not two people that are deeply committed to improving it day by day like I think your first year of marriage like which is built up to be like the most amazing part of your marriage it shouldn't be that way yeah I think from the wedding day to like whenever you close your eyes on planet

          
          33:51
          Earth like your marriage should get sweeter and sweeter and sweeter as time goes on and I know that life will get increased ly more complex like as you add children into the mix and 15 dogs or whatever the cas is or 15 dogs whatever the case is but I think that has been the hardest part for me is like navigating the opinions of Outsiders while like and like trying to like Shield our relationship from those kinds of like opinions and like not letting it get to me or not letting it like change my um disposition on like how I feel

          
          34:25
          about things um cuz like it can really get you in a place where you become cynical as opposed to like hopeful yeah um or like where you adopt like a kind of growth mindset that like okay we messed up here or like we didn't handle this as best as we could but it's going to get better like we can apply steps or like self-reflect and become better versions of oursel to make this work yeah right and and like hearing people always just be like oh no it just gets worse everything gets worse I think that's been the hardest part yeah and I

          
          34:57
          think each of us can that we are a place of like wisdom and like uh you know like spellchecking so to speak over decisions or opinions on our life and it goes back to your point about your center of gravity like you know before I might have just done stuff for myself or taking you know comments and maybe internalize them but you know now even more so you know I want to be like what do you think about this or this person said this about me do you think that's true about me and you're running it through the lens and the filter of your

          
          35:27
          spouse because you know they know you the best um it doesn't mean that we're always going to be objective you know uh but it's that I trust your opinion and I always tell you what like I always say 5 Seconds 5 seconds on the shot clock like I'm going to you to shoot that that three-pointer in life and you know and in sports cuz you're probably better shooter than me no you're actually pretty good at stuff like you don't give yourself credit but but but all that to say um you know it's yes there's going

          
          35:54
          to be outside voices um but your center of gravity is each other and and you have to to filter that through that and through through God and and making sure that your relationship is so um close with God that you know anything that comes through you automatically is going through God and and and allowing God to speak to you in that situation I think for me the most challenging thing about um married life is that I feel like we have no time to do anything because we're so preoccupied with like we come

          
          36:22
          home we go to work we come home I feel like the laundry is never ending you know then we got to do dishes then we got to um you know do stuff for meal prep content creation and now we're starting a podcast because we have all the time in the world no but um but because you know it's just it's it's becoming more increasingly hard to find us time um and we have to be much more intentional about that and it seems weird that we have to like maybe schedule that or or pencil that in but if you don't sometimes and expect

          
          36:51
          spontaneity to take you you know through your marriage then it's a sinking ship right and I think sometimes like people want the spontaneity because it like signals like excitement but I think the biggest things in your life like an interview or like a whatever the first day of a job like you do write those things on your calendar yeah right and these things are meaning like spending meaningful dedicated intentional time um is something that's of the utmost importance and I think like excitement

          
          37:21
          can come from different things but that is a conversation for another time