00:00
          finding the Silver Linings in love life and everything in between welcome to the the Silver Lining podcast here we explore everything from Faith to relationships to personal growth and purpose join us as we Center these conversations around real life experiences and vulnerability as two young people figuring it all out we're happy to have you along for the ride hey everyone welcome back and thank you so much for tuning in to the diso liting podcast we would so love it if you can leave us a review whether that's

          
          00:40
          on Spotify Apple uh podcast YouTube it really drives traffic to um our podcast so that more people can see it so and it would also be really good for us to get feedback on how we're doing and what we can do to serve you guys so please let us know by a review or letting us know through DM all that helps on today's episode we delve into to the five love languages and how important it is to love your person the way they want to be loved we take the test live and share the results of the five love languages

          
          01:10
          quiz it was so great to really take this test and self-explore with one another on the show and challenge what we already thought we knew about one another we hope you enjoy today's episode so how exactly does one get fluent in their love language I think that's a really great question I feel like in order to truly know what your love language is you have to spend a considerable amount of time self-reflecting in order to determine what that is cuz I mean how could I possibly expect you to love me in the

          
          01:45
          way that I desire to be loved or in the way that I want to be loved if I don't first myself understand what my needs are or how I best feel loved and valued and it's actually loving your partner important that you actually communicate yourself reflection of how you've learned how you need love and and what your needs are in relationships uh in a sense you're laying out the road map for your partner to not you know shoot aimlessly and do all this guess work but to know just exactly what you need yeah

          
          02:15
          I think that that's true and continuing on with this language metaphor like imagine if my primary language that I spoke was Chinese and you were speaking something completely different let's for the sake of this analogy say you were speaking Italian for the entire course of our relationship you didn't know that I was speaking Chinese and I never made the effort or attempt to communicate to you that I was speaking Chinese there would be no possible way for you to learn that you know I might be speaking Chinese and

          
          02:47
          then you would get the opportunity to then learn Chinese to try and speak to me I think without communicating to your person what your Primal needs are or the ways in which you feel most valued and appreciated um their efforts can at best be like futile or ineffective so it's really important like you said not just one to understand what your own love language is and do the intentional work to self-reflect and see um what those are for yourself but also to then be vulnerable enough to share that with

          
          03:21
          someone else I think that's hard for us guys sometimes because uh it feels like we're opening up about uh something that may uh is a bit of a touchy subject or maybe a part of our past relationship history that you know we don't want to to to delve into or maybe something we've burn been burned about I think I think also like society makes it really difficult for men to like have those kinds of vulnerable conversations like and maybe you can like touch on that but like the the the mere fact that like as a man

          
          03:56
          there's all of this like pressure put on by Society for you to be stoic to be strong to be like emotionless sometimes and like to provide to like be like all of these different things it's it's really hard for for men I think to talk about things like you said like that that require a bit more vulnerability I mean I've been told over the course of my life that like uh like why are you crying like you're a man and I I think that that's that's really problematic because one if we if we're setting

          
          04:30
          societal gender Norms about who could be sad like that's just dangerous anyway which way you look at it um because I think at a core of Being Human uh communicating how you feel um being open about um how you're processing stuff is like the the way to to dealing with them and to growing and to becoming healthier in all aspects of life so I've had to push past that and learn that um even if a society doesn't support me in um opening up about how I feel I have to do intentional work to unpack that and

          
          05:05
          process that so I might not be able to unpack that with all of my guy friends um but you know looking at um different methods like therapy um I am someone who uh you know lives by therapy uh you know the the model that fun fact he actually encouraged me to start therapy as well and it was something I feel like I was like hesitant cuz like it's so stigmatized but when I sawad by example and how much learned in and through therapy was really encouraging for me sorry no no I think that uh what What's

          
          05:42
          really good about therapy is that that person doesn't have a stake in your life or they um they don't love you maybe in the same way as your well you but they they don't care for you in the same way that your spouse does in a romantic and a you know in a lifeb building way um they want want to look at your situation and help you through it so they'll be they'll be able to be more objective um about your life experience and they'll be able to give you tools that not just apply to you but will apply to like anyone um that you

          
          06:13
          know there isn't I I think the Bible talks about there isn't anything under the sun you know that that God hasn't you know um been made aware of or knows about um and I think the stressors of our life are not all the same but um there's different um methods and and and ways through them um so therapy has been something that has been um groundbreaking and revolutionary for my growth in my life because it's so funny uh I joke about this with my therapist all the time not that he doesn't help me but a lot of the times in session I'm

          
          06:46
          actually helping myself just by talking to someone about it yeah um and I end up answering the question that I have or developing like the way through that simply by unpacking it um and he jokes with me all the time that like I already know what to do I just have to like recall that and put in place things in my life to be able to implement them when when when the going gets tough so I think that that that has been super important for me uh journaling uh which I actually learn through therapy but I I

          
          07:19
          have done in other aspects of my life has been really important because the Bible even talks about you know um write div vision and make it plain I think there's something so important when it comes to not just memory recall um but processing when you write um it allows you to you know set in stone like this is how I feel um this is the things I'm noticing and then it it gives you an amazing opportunity to reflect and look back on it right and I think also journaling is really validating because

          
          07:47
          it's between you and yourself um a lot of times when you share your feelings with people they might want to give you Solutions or uh like attempt to solve the problem but there uh like therapeutic journaling kind of gives you a space to just sit with the emotions that you're dealing with they're like the tensions that you're grappling with in a way that isn't really problem solving at the focus but more so holding space for you to like be with these feelings that you're feeling yeah and and I think people might be scared of

          
          08:21
          things like therapy and journaling because they there's a stigma around them or that there's an expectation of how those should look like but we're not asking you to be like authors when you're journaling like you could literally take your phone like you have technology at your hands you could take your phone and record a video Journal like I love those like uh you know like to corfield chase with like Han Zimmer and it's like and like the the plant is like growing over time but it's documenting a process of like um where

          
          08:49
          you started and where you're going to become um and I've seen multiple people who in a year they've taken one picture every day or they've recorded a 10-second video and you see um that person's Journey throughout that whole process I think that's really rewarding so there's multiple ways that you can actually um journal and and and work through things but I think also even something as simple as like a gratitude Journal is like really helpful too where I don't do it as much now because I feel like I'm so busy which hold me

          
          09:18
          accountable maybe I should get back to but I used to have a prayer Journal where I would write down things that I was praying for every single day things that I was thankful for things that you know were my heart for me to pray for and every day I would engage in this process and by the end of the year the amount of problems that solved themselves things that there were answers for things that I now had Clarity on areas that I had grown in blessings that IID received it was such a um different kind of like reframing

          
          09:51
          that I wasn't used to but it was definitely helpful for centering me but in terms of like heading back to like what we were talking about because I think we kind of moved from the idea of uh the Love Languages would you like to get back on track with that yeah actually before I I get into that I did want to mention one more thing and I think it's um important that it's not to say that you're going to be in multiple relationships until you find the one but I do think that um relationship experience can be a useful tool to teach

          
          10:22
          you a lot about how you experience love um how you communicate love um and how someone can understand and meet your needs you know one of my good friends mufo talks about this all the time and he spoke about it in real Community talks that I hope um everyone uh in life can experience heartbreak at some point in their life because it teaches you a lot of things that you might not have learned in any other area or season of your life um it's not to say that I wish heartbreak on someone but there's so much value

          
          10:50
          that I've learned from the things that didn't work in my life that I'm able to now apply to this relationship uh because you know I had a space where you know it had being tested but now I know what I need now I know how I want to communicate what I would like to see or even how I can love on someone you know they're not experiences for loss yeah I think something that a lot of women that I've spoken to like they talk about a lot of times in terms of dating and how it often feels like when a relationship

          
          11:19
          doesn't work out the guy gets better for the next person but I think it and like there always like a landing spot for like the training ground so to speak of him figuring out his mess and then he'll go on to somebody else and be this awesome amazing person and like as horrible as that might feel to be on the receiving end of it I think if we sit and like reflect on that that is how it operates like exactly like you said like in my first dating relationship even my most recent one before we met and

          
          11:50
          started dating I wasn't the same person that I am to you which I think relationships end because of two people's a lot of the time and you know like now looking back on that there were lots of ways that I contributed to that not working out as well so I think what I'm trying to say is we do improve with every relationship that we get into it's not just that we're learning about our needs but we're also getting better which then helps inform the other person's needs as well and how those needs can possibly be met yeah so now

          
          12:23
          that I've experience those like really bad relationships I'm able to be more empathetic in a relation ship with you because of that yes I'm also aware more of what I need and what makes me feel loved and valued but also because I experienced these like horrible relationships and encountered heartbreak I'm also able to then be more empathetic towards you so the five love languages by Gary Chapman yes and I have the book right here and I think um it's important to to add this disclaimer that love

          
          12:55
          languages aren't only romantic love languages but any type of relationship in life yeah and like matter of fact like the author even though this first book was written for couples there has been since multiple versions made so there's this one the secret to love that last which is obviously romantic but then there's one for parents and children there's one for teenagers and there's even one for singles which I think is really interesting yeah and I'm actually excited like after this to try the different types of tests because um

          
          13:26
          there's the one that you know talks about your love languages then your apology language like there's so much that you can unpack over time um and continue to learn about yourself over time because as we had mentioned before in in our other episode that marriage and and working through these things is a lifetime like you have to be committed to continual learning of each other and yourself um so to go through the love languages in no particular before you get to that I think it's also important

          
          13:52
          to mention that even though this book was conceptualized and these terms were coined inside of a Christian framework and there's biblical references and these kinds of things the principles are applicable whether you're religious or not yeah whether you're Christian or not I think that that's really important to to say because maybe people won't reach for it because you know it's by like a Christian Author and like it has Christian connotations and that kind of thing but I think like the psychological

          
          14:22
          behavioral emotional undercurrents that kind of fuel the book are really applicable to humans I think there's like this weird idea that fath somehow means that like human psychology doesn't apply to to to our lives and and how we interact with each other so let's actually go through the love languages in no particular order so to start with quality time so things like uninterrupted dedicated time together with conversation and direct engagement then words of affirmation things like encouragement affirmations

          
          14:51
          listening carefully and actively uh acts of service showing love through actions and efforts gifts thoughtful gift ing whether that's material or otherwise to show your partner they a priority and lastly physical touch I mean that's kind of self-explanatory but uh it's non-verbal expressions of love and affection using body language whatever that may look like for you even though there's only five love languages listed in this book it's not the be all to end all there is like a myriad of ways that

          
          15:22
          you can show love to your partner and this list isn't exhaustive so I think that that's really important to say for first and foremost also I think it's really important to note that based on the scale of when you do the quiz online or any one of the numerous Love Languages quizzes that there are online even if your partner scores lower on one of them like for example even if I score like 6% on physical touch that doesn't mean you completely right off physical touch for me forever and you only prioritize the other ones because I

          
          15:58
          think it really depends on instant to instant like this is sort of like to help you but it's not like a Sure Fire way to know in every single circumstance how to react 100% it's not like a contract to live by and I think that's where you can run into trouble is when you know you look at it from a very like methodical formulaic type of way like yeah all right my wife really likes gifts so you just continue to buy things and then using that love language to like get yourself out of a situation or

          
          16:29
          you you know um uh be an excuse to like um behavior that that that's terrible I think that's why a lot of women like I see it all the time on Tik Tok where women only get I'm sorry flowers and it kind of like cheapens the experience of being surprised by something beautiful because you only give them in instances where you're in trouble yeah um but I think for me personally like gift receiving it isn't the biggest thing for me or well it hasn't been but the intent behind the giving is really important to

          
          17:05
          me like when you're out or you're coming from work and you like stop to pick me up some beef jerky like that's really meaningful to me even though gift giving isn't like my Primal love language or the way that I feel loved and even though gift giving is like down here or well it was when I last did the test on my list of Love Languages the fact that you thought about me in an instant surprise me because you thought of me because this is something you know that I like I think is really important all

          
          17:35
          of that to say I don't think people should write off the love languages that are not the top priority ones on your assessment once once you do it I think they should add like a side gift giving because like giving your partner snacks is like a different type of langage love language yeah I think that's true I think it's also important to add that these should be rooted in a deep desire to love appreciate value respect your partner so then things like you know showing your partner that you love them

          
          18:05
          with I'm sorry flowers becomes less of the norm and more of like a deliberate gesture to like show them that you love them on the daily through daily consistent actions yeah I was talking about this with my guy friends like I feel like uh I don't know if it's just like guys but we sometimes find that we get into this place of like love language quota where it's like okay if I know that my partner um likes acts of service I'm gonna do you know the dishes every other day so that I can you know get her off of my back or like have her

          
          18:38
          not be critical of me or you know address something that maybe she corrected me on last time so it's like I have a perfect track record so she has no ammo to work from but like even in saying that out loud it sounds insane like you're trying to like just script but you're just trying to um like it's it's avoidance on like an unhealthy level like I don't want to have my partner speak up or say this or act like or treat me like this so I'm going to do this to avoid that and and it's it's a dangerous problematic place because

          
          19:10
          because I don't think the Love Languages and the enactment of the five love languages is meant to be a currency or like a tool for manipulation I think it's meant to be more of like an awareness or like some sort of gauge for you to you know be able to better love your partner yeah um so if you're using it as a tool to be like I've done this many things so now you have to do this many things for me or like people joke about it all the time like oh I'll do the dishes so that I can get something else later on or whatever like that's

          
          19:43
          not it's transactional yeah and it's not a like I said it's not a currency or a transaction it's not I do for you so you do for me it's meant to be rooted in regardless of if I get anything I want to serve you I want to do something that will show you that you love that I love you yeah yeah and further to that as time progresses Your Love Languages will evolve like your preference or affinity for one of them will evolve and like when do you think was the last time we did the quiz maybe like six seven months

          
          20:15
          before our wedding whenever we did the marriage counseling I think that's when we did it yeah so I have a fun idea why don't we try and do it now that we're 7 months into marriage I'm interested to see like how much it's actually evolved in change because I feel like my answers might be a little different in some areas now now that like we live in the same house okay let's do it okay so we're back let's share the results you want to go first okay let's do like a 3 two one countdown okay three two one

          
          20:49
          words of really wow yeah that wasn't that last time no it wasn't and it was like so interesting to like see because it's acts of service then quality time words of affirmation receiving gifts and physical touch wow so I think those two last ones stay the same but the other three they're out of order from how it was before we got married why do you think that is well I think one because like I see you all the time now yeah so like the words of affirmation piece probably isn't as important as not that it's not

          
          21:25
          but it's probably less important than it was when we were only using a phone to communicate and like we would see each other uh less often but now that I see you all the time I think Act of service is the highest because I need help with chores right right or like maybe now that there's so many things that you find appreciation in that space more and like so many things that we have to balance it really does like bless my heart when you help me out with things that I probably would opt to not do if

          
          22:02
          give him the choice no but that actually makes a lot of sense like again we mentioned how your love language is going to evolve and change over time so that's actually really fitting that cuz I feel like now one of the biggest issues that we have to combat is finding the time to do anything it's because you know we're we're working we're creating content you know we have side hustles and then we have to take care of this house and the mountain of chores that seem like they keep cycling over and

          
          22:30
          over and over again and then we also have to find time to pour into our relationship and for me I think it really makes me feel loved and valued when you do things like like you know when I'm doing my work upstairs or something and you'll come upstairs with the basket of laundry with everything like neatly folded and put back in the basket all of the socks and everything like just like like you work at like abber cromie and fit or something because it's so neatly folded but it's such a tangible expression of

          
          23:03
          how much you love me because I'm able to focus on the things that bring me joy but also the things that I need to do that are sometimes more pressing than folding laundry and I've become an expert folder because the amount of shapes this girl has in her clothes like it like my clothes is like all right it's a sweater you do this you fold this but like there's like some things that are like on an angle on a curve don't make a perfect square I I think I think I I've been through the Tren I think you

          
          23:32
          do a good job folding close yeah so yours was words of affirmation well mine so there that's your words of affirmation thank you for being a great folder well okay so on mine um uh 34% is words of affirmation so that actually stayed the same yeah from dating engagement to now marriage but um it actually my second one used to be physical touch and now physical touch is is the third one it's still very important don't get me wrong so it goes 34 28 and 24 wait what's your second one my second one is quality time oh wow

          
          24:08
          mine too quality time never used to be it used to be like a four or a five to me right actually you know it always was a four because I score zero on gifts cuz personally speaking like I don't need gifts I would much rather like spend time with my person or hear you you know uh encourage me and all these kinds of things it's not that I don't appreciate gifts yeah but like I don't want you to have to go out of your way to buy me something or do something for me CU you know I can live a pretty simple plain

          
          24:36
          life but live a rich life with you yeah um but yeah to find out that quality time is my second one you know it goes back to what I was saying like I think it's really hard to balance all of the competing interests we have in our life now I think there there's two things we now have to create quality time in the midst of doing those things so I know you mentioned you missed doing our our sad Saturday or sorry our Friday night weekend cleanup dates cuz we haven't had the time to do that cuz we've been away

          
          25:04
          for various like events and stuff on Fridays lately but we would come home after work like literally like 10:00 p.m. in the night and be cleaning till like 3:00 in the morning and like but it would like set the tone for like a good weekend knowing that you're in a house that's super spotless and clean and smells like what was the thing that you like to mop Pine wait lavender pinea not just regular it would smells so good and you know the floors are sparkly and all of the those kinds of things um but we'

          
          25:34
          listen to worship music and or like other stuff and like dance and stuff while we cleaned and it was a really creative way to get what needed to be done done and also spend time with one another in a meaningful way working towards a shared goal AKA a clean house so I think like there's lots of ways that you can kind of creatively tackle multiple of these things in ways that doesn't upset the routine that you have I think people have the kind of assumption that it needs to be like Reinventing the wheel it needs to be

          
          26:10
          these huge grandiose types of gestures but in reality it can be really simple things that are effective yeah even though quality time you know it talks about being present and and paying attention I think we're realizing increasingly that like watch ining our favorite TV series while very fun really isn't quality time and I think like speaking to that we actually had like a little bit of like a tense conversation about that where I was feeling very you know emotional and I felt like we weren't spending quality time with one

          
          26:50
          another Matt's qualm is that I'm always on my phone when we're talking or when we're um like trying to do something like watch a show or whatever and I'm I promise I'm trying to get better at that but for me like my piece was that I felt as though when we were sitting like watching TV and watching TV and like you know when Netflix asks like are you still watching because we'd be watching for like hours like because we're so tired after a long day and the thing that we resort to is like TV because

          
          27:23
          it's easy mindless we can just watch Laugh whatever eat a snack or whatever the case is but to me that didn't feel like quality time right so I think sometimes too you have to push it further it's not just oh my thing is gifts so I'm just going to bring a bunch of red roses and drop it on her desk and expect that to be the be all to end all or turn on the TV we sit beside each other and then that's quality time and that's not to say that I don't enjoy doing nothing with you because I could be doing absolutely nothing with you and

          
          27:58
          enjoying that time with you but I think for me it has moved to a place where now because we are around each other all the time it needs to be like intentional time like carved out for us to spend time of quality together so let me ask you a question because I feel like I'm not in the same boat as or sorry I feel like I'm in the same boat as some other people you know both men and women alike don't you feel like sometimes in marriage you can get to that place where you feel like you've run out of things

          
          28:30
          to talk about not that you're not committed to continually learning and growing with that person but like I think I find myself already run out of things to talk about with me no I think believe it or not as much as we're podcasters I feel like there are moments where it's not that I I don't want to talk to you but it's like I also don't want to like say something like randomly without like any thought or like any intention and just like start conversation start conversation let me stop you there though I personally think

          
          28:58
          think like one of the cool things about marriage is that you can do that like you can tell me the most random unrelated disconnected type of thing and to me like that's a we're having a moment but like that's something are pink cuz they yeah like that's something that's an inside story for another time but like that's something that's interesting to me that because we live in this Covenant where we share everything with one another yeah like I don't know like I think that's really you don't find it in like inauthentic if

          
          29:36
          I'm just like like you don't ever get the sense that like oh he's just like trying to make conversations no never like I never feel like that and I think sometimes when we're like driving and stuff or like commuting like to and from work yes like bless you you okay you I was coughing oh I still bless you because like I don't want you to get like the bubanic plague or anything thanks but I think sometimes like when we're driving and you will ask me questions that are so like out of the blue and random but I really appreciate

          
          30:09
          that because you're you're asking me to think about things that like on a normal natural basis I'm not even we actually like aware of like you ask some of the most random questions ever and I'm trying to like think of one on the spot no but like we literally have the the realest Community talks in our car and I think we struggle with this sometimes in like vulnerable moment like breaking what is it breaking the fourth or third wall fourth wall like we have like a pre podcast sometimes when we're on our way

          
          30:38
          home planning for the podcast we're about to release and it feels like that was like so amazing and so perfect then when we get in camera I guess we get a little shy and we're like overthinking it um but I was talking with another friend and I said you know making intentional time is going to have to require some creativity and I do believe that that 1H hour drive like regardless of where you are like you're in a 1 hour of traffic or uh the subway whether you're on the 427 the 400 you know going

          
          31:07
          on the TTC you might as well make use of that time and do something useful and don't get me wrong there's moments where like you know you kick back the seat and you rest but I find that some of yeah some of the most profound and some of the deepest talks about life and our own marriage and processing things is during our commute so you I've really enjoyed that that aspect of of driving cuz I know every time we get in a car it's about to be a good conversation so I think the piece about creativity when

          
          31:35
          thinking about the love language is really important because like over the course of your marriage I think things can get stale or get boring and if you're not actively trying to keep it fresh then it's only normal and natural that you might get you know like jaded or bored or whatever the case is so I think even with things like Words of Affirmation like challenge yourself to find creative ways to do that whether that be like sending a lengthy text message as opposed to like one words when you're like throughout the day or

          
          32:11
          like leaving sticky notes in the person's lunch bag or like like what I do for you or you know like find things like do you like that oh I love that 100% I have like a whole stack on my desk and I'm going to create like a collage and so so like finding creative ways to do things like that or for example if your thing is quality time like plan a surprise date night at home doesn't need to be expensive or like all the way out there you can do things within your means that are meaningful I think okay so what was the like the the

          
          32:45
          top acts of service that you've experienced so far since you've been married well just the other day I was sick and I was in bed because I literally for the life of me like I couldn't bring myself to get up um because I I was so under the weather and you clean the entire house like from top to bottom and I remember when I got up out of bed and finally made my way okay not to mention the fact that you also brought me lemon water for me to drink because my throat was sore you brought me hot water with salt for me to gargle

          
          33:21
          for my throat you brought me Advil you brought me some snacks to keep upstairs while I was there while you were cleaning downstairs then you clean the whole downstairs then when I came downstairs like everything was neat and organized and ready for the week to start it was so meaningful to know that I didn't have to worry about those kinds of things and that you took all of the not that I would be doing all of those things by myself anyways but the fact that you went the extra mile to like give me space to heal

          
          33:58
          physically also did wonders for my mental health as well I really love you I love you too but like it really did a lot for my mental health to know that you know you were so willing to after a long day of work where you came home late you were still willing to like put yourself on the back burner in that moment cuz I'm sure you could have easily sat on the couch put on the TV I'd be upstairs napping so it wouldn't be like I'd be bothering you watch whatever shows you finally want to watch and that would be that like that would

          
          34:35
          have been the easier thing for you to opt to do but in the moment you chose to choose me and to love me and to do things that would serve me in a in a way that would alleviate stress and I think that's why acts of service is my really big thing because I feel like as a person who wears like lots of different hats and as a person who has lots of different responsibilities and lots of things on my plate at any given time when you help share the load in ways that are not necessarily your responsibility but you help me to

          
          35:11
          lighten the burden um it really does show me that I'm loved cuz you're also doing things that you don't necessarily have to do and also things that you don't necessarily enjoy and that in itself is a really big love language like choosing to do something that you actually hate doing yeah for the sake of the other I I said this I believe both in my vows and in um my speech when we were getting engaged um that my life's greatest purpose is going to be to serve you and I know this whole love language

          
          35:45
          discussion to some people might seem like a chore and like an added burden and like we said a quota to meet but I love getting to like help and support you to see you like feel appreciation to see you um get all the things that you need to continue to do all the things that you have to do and the smile on your face like it it has intrinsic value there's such a joy to love on you and to treat you well and to meet your needs that like I feel love back like it's a reciprocal space well I think that's the

          
          36:21
          thing right if it's not bringing you Joy to love your person and see them be happy see like I think it should bring joy to your heart seeing your person be loved well right and if it's not doing that I think then that's a bigger problem that maybe we have to explore in like another time I get excited when like I solve a problem for you yeah cuz like not because I need like praise or whatever but like it's like it's like a mini mission for me but like I I just really enjoy what you thought was impossible becoming possible mhm um and

          
          36:55
          and also like side note to the ladies just you can sometimes just pretend you can't open the you can sometimes pretend that you don't know how to open not that you don't know how to open but that you can't open like pickle jars tomato sauce whatever the case is I think that makes them feel really useful okay so now we're just going to ask each other two questions that we have not planned okay like these are just things that we thought about and we're going to answer them okay so Matt my my question to you is let me see I

          
          37:31
          have it written here um what is one to do when their love language does not align with their partners and let me just flush that out like for all intents and purposes okay so let's pretend My love language is physical touch that's like my number one go-to thing where I feel I said let's say it's not that it's actually wait we actually have a conversation about that after but continue okay so let's just say like that's my first thing and yours is not that at all like you don't necessarily find yourself gravitating

          
          38:10
          towards that how do you go about that like when they're not aligned I think generally speaking ours are kind of similar like we both have gifts and um physical touch like they're reversed but there are bottom two and then our top three are kind of like similar so how would you navigate having them completely different so I think there's two important things when it comes to love language is our lining point one marriage is about negotiating and brokering and having conversations about how you're going to act and do things um

          
          38:43
          so I think for instance if my love language is physical touch and you don't really enjoy that as much as I do um not getting offended because that person doesn't like that but listening to understand like asking questions and it's also also up to the person who doesn't like that to be open about why they don't like that maybe there's underlying abuse that happened in their past or they're just not like a Huggy person you know so I think that's really true and an extension of that is also not thinking that each love language can

          
          39:15
          only be one thing like physical touch doesn't necessarily only mean doing the deed right like it means like in the small ways throughout the day touching your back when you're washing the dishes or like holding hands on the couch while you're watching TV or like a kiss on the cheek before you leave for work like all of those things are physical touch it it it's not just the one thing well I I thought that when we got engaged the handholding floodgates would open up and yes she is by pigmentation a brown girl

          
          39:46
          but she has like that brown girl mentality and even now through and through now that we're married sometimes you feel shy to hold my hand in public 100% um I don't I don't think after the wedding like I've held your hand in front of my family ever what I have noticed during maybe maybe the Lord will deliver me from that one day but may what I have noticed during the married season of life is that you have um compromised at times and I think that goes uh into my next point is that loving your person and this whole Space

          
          40:17
          of love language does require service and it does require servanthood behavior and and what that means is you're not always going to like to do things for others and that canly many aspects of our life like for example me coming to watch every single one of your softball games like on the team you play with with my brother like no offense kind of like nabati a superan no offense like I'm not so interested in softball and again I think this goes to show like this applies to all relationships not

          
          40:47
          just romantic ones because for both you and my brother like I could care less about softball but I like position myself free up my schedule so I can be there every single Tuesday because I know it means a lot to you guys that I'm there supporting you and like making an effort to understand the game yeah um and so I think that's like a small kind of like a small example of how even if it's something you don't necessarily enjoy that much like putting yourself out there to acquaint yourself with the

          
          41:19
          things that bring your person Joy is really important yeah I think that's that's a good point and speaking of brown girl mentality like tell them how long it took for me to actually get to sleep in your childhood room whenever we slept over at your parents house for the longest time he was sleeping elsewhere in my parents' house because I like even though we were married legally under the eyes of God in Covenant relationship I couldn't bring myself to like cuz like to me it was like what are they going to

          
          41:51
          think when you emerg from my bedroom they know married though the first time after we slept over there like it was just weird to me and like finally I've acclimated and now it's okay but I it's like a goldfish when you get them in their bag and you have to use some of their water to put she needed some time it's okay it's okay I love but but I think like as funny as that is I think it really does speak to what you said first and like digging deeper to like know what the reasons are like for example if your

          
          42:21
          person like they have such a big need to be validated and reassured all the time like it could ALS be related to things of their childhood or like their upbringing like and their inner child needing that kind of thing as well so sometimes and I think this ties back to the first part of the conversation where therapy and self-awareness is really really key all right so if you were Gary Chapman and there was one love language that you could add to the five right now what do you think is one that is just a

          
          42:52
          must and has to be there that's missing buying snacks that's what we said before no but like all jokes aside I don't know that I would necessarily add a love language because I think when you view them through a creative like perspective there's so many things that fall in that right so like even though it's five it's probably like 50,000 when you think of all the things that you can do Under the Umbrella of the five love languages but what I would say is before you think about The Love Languages maybe there are

          
          43:23
          three other things that you think about like before so if this is the Love Languages like maybe these are the phonics before you learn the language and so like that might be like appreciation affection and like acknowledgement like those are the three that I thought about like earlier this week I was thinking about like the desire to do the Love Languages is motivated by I want to be appreciated I want to feel seen or acknowledged where I want to feel affection and those are kinds of the driving factors that get us

          
          43:57
          to the place of like acting on The Love Languages right so for example I want acts of service right like that's how I best feel loved but the reason like the root of that is because I want to be seen like I want to be loved in a way where I feel like the details of my everyday life are like important to someone and so being acknowledged is at the root of why acts of service mean so much to me and like for you yours are like words of affirmation and the root of that might be because you really like

          
          44:30
          to feel appreciated you like to feel like what you're what you're doing and who you are is truly being valued so I think I wouldn't add another love language what I would do is say that we kind of have to think about like the values that Inspire the way that we want to be loved CU if we can figure that and pinpoint that first it also changes the way that we act on The Love Languages so we'd actually like you guys to comment below whether you're on YouTube or Spotify or on Instagram what are Your

          
          45:02
          Love Languages and maybe take your partner and start a conversation there we're going to leave the link to the Love Languages quiz in the description box below so check it out guys