Scott Jones 0:02 Welcome to dream big, with big dreamers. Conversations for career growth, inspiration and insight, hosted by Donna Serdula and yours truly, Scott Jones. Here are the inspiring stories that shaped the careers of top executives, entrepreneurs and professionals. These empowering discussions offer guidance and advice. As you advance in your career. It's time to dream big. Donna Serdula 0:28 Welcome to dream big dreamers. My name is Donna Serdula and I have with me today a guest co host. Her name is Audra hammer Ross. She's one of our writers at divisional boards media. We are going to be interviewing a big dreamer today guys, her name is Derek Connolly. She is the author of the new book flip your fear and She's the founder of PTC and award winning confidence program for women. Dara helps women who are tired of getting talked over or they're feeling ignored. She helps them speak up so they can get heard. They can kick their fear to the curb and they can be TEDx confident. She's a nationally recognized expert in the field of confidence. Tara has coached over 10,000 women. She's a TEDx speaker herself. And she's been featured on Fox cw, the Connect show the list show Dr. Laura, and many other media outlets, their economy. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Happy to be here. Happy to have you here. Happy to have you. So you're confident. Dara Connolly 1:33 I am now I wasn't always but now I'm feeling confident? Yes. Donna Serdula 1:38 Is it a switch? I mean, I think you have to build up who is born with confidence? I mean, are people born with confident? Dara Connolly 1:46 Well, I think we actually are and then somewhere along the way it gets stripped away right around those adolescent years where life gets a little tricky. And what actually happens is our parents start comparing us to others, right? When you keep your room as clean as your sister, why don't you get AIDS like your brother? And you start going, huh? I'm not good enough. Or then the teachers, right? We go to school and a teacher says, Why is your paper so messy? Or why don't you, you know, sit up straight or listen a little better and not talk so much in class and we start to realize, Oh, I'm not good enough the way I am. So we are boring, but then it gets chipped away. And we have to come back to it and find it again. Donna Serdula 2:23 You know, I feel like there's some people like, you know, you go about your life. And there's these people who seem like, they just seem so confident. And I just sometimes wonder, are they really confident? Or are they really just putting on a good show? Dara Connolly 2:40 That's a good question. You don't know right? Until you talk to them. Because I think I was doing that for a little while I could fool people, especially back when I was doing martial arts because people you can hold yourself a certain way you can stand a certain way. And but in the inside, I was still like, Oh, I felt quiet. I felt timid. I didn't have that. The inner didn't meet the outer so it was this the dichotomy that was happening? Did you feel like did you feel like you weren't living your truth? Because like you were pretending to be something? Kinda certainly but internally. I mean, honestly, when I got my black belt, I didn't even tell anybody I was so like, this is gonna go on the download, because I don't want people to think oh, wow, you're this, you know, something that I'm not. And my parents knew, but that was good. It. Yeah. Did you get into martial arts because of the confidence because I guess I remember I got into karate when I was younger. And that was like, it was totally my father was like, we need to build your confidence. I think it was because my mom is tired of me not finding my thing. I was a teen, I would drop every sport. I never could fit with anything. And that's how I ended up in karate. But it was her way of trying to get me out of my shell. Donna Serdula 3:51 Yeah, I was doing so what happened was actually I was working in corporate. And Dara Connolly 3:54 And, and I didn't expect to like it. But when mom says you can't quit, then you stay and there you go. Donna Serdula 4:01 I know that you owned a karate studio for years. And and you were working in that regard. And then you know, things happened and you started to realize that you had this this different path for yourself. You Can you talk to us a little bit about that. Yeah, I was doing so what happened was actually I was working in corporate. And Dara Connolly 4:17 Yeah, I was doing so what happened was actually I was working in corporate. And, and I didn't expect to like it. But when mom says you can't quit, then you stay and there you go. I was frustrated because I got laid off. Oh, it was like this totally unfair, unjust layoff. I was sick with pneumonia for 10 days, I came back to replace me. And I knew it wasn't right. I was one of their top sales persons and that they laid me off. And I was just tired of this. I was in a position where I would get talked over at meetings I was getting, you know, mansplain ignored, and I was like, I can't go back to corporate again. I need to do something else. And that's when I started the karate school. And at the same time, I was like, Well, what if I do something different for women, and I'm literally at my garage, just holding classes to help women speak up, what are we doing? We're bullied, what do we do when somebody says something that's sexist. And it was just off the cuff. I just thought for fun, let me like kind of rally the women up, I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what I was doing. And it was about, I don't know, maybe three months in that I get a phone call. And this is crazy. You guys go. So I'm excited because I like what I'm doing. But it's just like a, it's just a thing between jobs right until I find my next, my next position, I get a phone call from the chief of police. And he's calling me. And I'm thinking, Oh, my God, he's heard about the cars coming up to my garage, I'm gonna get shut down, I finally found something I'm excited to do. But this is it. He's like, you know, you can't do this. This is breaking those zoning laws or whatever. He says, You know what we heard about the work you're doing in the neighborhood. And we want to partner with you. I almost fell off the chair. I'm like, What? So that gave me an hour. Yeah, that gave me an out. And that allowed me to start partnering with him. And we did community classes. Donna Serdula 6:00 I guess in your own head, it probably legitimized what you were doing. Right? Dara Connolly 6:04 Yeah. Because I was already thinking this isn't? How do I do anything with this? I wasn't a psychologist. I didn't really I mean, I had a degree with a minor in women's science. So that was always like a passion of mine. But I didn't really know, how do I turn this into something. And then that, like, started this whole Partnership, which was really cool. I kept the karate business because I was making money with that. And then all of a sudden, this, at the time was called kukula was taking off and I was like, Alright, clearly the universe is like, go this way, which which saves me because corporate wasn't working out. I'm like a born entrepreneur, I just did not fit into that. That environment at all. Audra Ross 6:41 There. I was really interested. When I found out that you had this karate background, I was telling Donna, my husband's actually a karate instructor. And he was involved with karate from when he was a young kid. Now he happens to be a man I know we're talking about coaching women right now. But I think what I'm about to say is pertains to both genders. It really helped him with his self esteem when he was a child. And he happened to have a very influential karate teacher that was a female karate teacher growing up. And right now and doing karate, I can just see the transformation in him when he leads his class. He's so confident in that element. When he's teaching children and adults, he teaches adults too. And I'm wondering, what is it that transfers from that world of karate, and the confidence and self esteem you gain there into the real world? Dara Connolly 7:35 Okay, so I'm probably the anomaly. Because I don't know if karate necessarily gave me confidence. It Like It gave me false confidence. It gave me body language confidence, which is part of confidence. That's true. But for me, I struggled where I didn't have a voice. I was not someone who was heard, especially in that corporate environment, I would get talked over all the time ideas were stolen, I was so timid, vote, like vert, vocally, I couldn't and you don't learn that in a karate class, right? So for me, it wasn't enough. I needed a little bit more. And when I started teaching women how to say like, how can we stop this massage? And how do we stop sexism and bullying? And how do we speak up in a meeting? I'm in me teaching them all of a sudden that became cathartic. And then I'm like learning it. with them. It was weird. And so I love martial arts I always have it's, it's a me I just don't know what it is. I'm fascinated by it. I still think like old kung fu Bruce Lee movies are super cool. I'm fascinated by it. But for me, it wasn't enough. I needed more. And if you have like a young kid, and like I say this to a lot of parents when I was teaching, if you have a young kid, and you want them to be goal oriented, and want them to learn some physical assertiveness, physical confidence, it's great. You want them to get the black belt, get in the college, it's great. But there's other things that it lacks. And so for me, I was like, like I said, I'm think I'm one of the anomalies where I needed a little bit more. And so that's just how I look at it. Audra Ross 9:03 I have two daughters, I and they're both ones in adolescence, she just turned 13 and the other ones 11. And as Donna knows, because she's met them, they couldn't be more different in personality. One does just have that I feel like she was just born with that confidence and resilience. The younger one, and my older one, she is very reticent. She's very quiet and she's very nervous in social situations. What do you think I know that you you know, coaching women, you know, what do you think that you can impart to to adolescents or children that would really help them develop that confidence? Dara Connolly 9:40 Well, you have to kind of encourage them to find what it is they like, right? I mean, I knew I didn't want to go to that dance school. God helped me in no way and my mom that actually the way she convinced me was to say you'll learn how to kick and punch and beat up your brother and I said, sign me up. Like actually the conversation. So you have to find something that she's interested in. We all have something, whether it's art, or writing or cooking, and let her explore. And even if it's not mom approved, or it's not anything we can relate to, we may think it's a little wacky kids have totally different interests these days. But we have to let them explore their path. And confidence comes from knowing you're good at something, whatever it is, let her do what she does, and let her be good at it. And over time, she'll build that confidence. Audra Ross 10:24 I love that point that it comes from, you know, having that feedback that you are good at something and then kind of internalizing that, and I, as a mom, of course, I want to give that to my child, but say, for me, or for an adult woman, when you don't have someone in your life that's feeding that into you, that's giving you that feedback to make you feel good about yourself. How do you kind of find it within yourself? Well, you, Dara Connolly 10:50 you know, we all know what our natural inclinations are, right? Do we like to be alone? Do we like groups of people? Do we like music? or drawing or reading? So what is it that she enjoys? Right? If she has a Saturday with no homework, and lots of time? What does she naturally tend to do. And so a lot of times, people know more what they don't like to do than what they do like to do so we weed out what we don't like to do. And if you spend enough time alone, you won't be comparing yourself to other people, you won't worry about what other women or girls do, because that's what happens to adolescence, right? They start to say, oh, All my friends are doing this, I'm going to do that. I mean, there's been studies on this, right? They'll ask a group of girls, you know, moms will come in the room and be like, does anybody want something to eat? And each girl will look at the other girl and be like, are you hungry? I'm hungry. But I'm like I say I'm hungry unless you're hungry. Like we're all looking for this validation. But if we spend time alone, we have time to really listen to ourselves, and what is it that I like? What is it that I want? What do I dream of? And then we can explore those things. So I would encourage you to spend some time alone and just journal and see what comes up. Audra Ross 12:05 That's great advice. That's great advice. And I'm so interested in I said that she's an adolescent, but in the women that you coach, I mean, are professional women, I assume right on people that are somewhat advanced in their career. And, and they might be like you are they're still still even struggling with being talked over. And maybe they're just worried about how am I coming across to everyone else? And I think is that something that you would also coach adult women on just spending some alone time and really, like, let me just clear my mind of what everyone else expects of me and get to know myself? You know, what do I want to advocate for that? Dara Connolly 12:45 That is part of it. A lot of times what happens to adult women like if especially if you're in a corporate environment, they're afraid to speak up because a fear of retaliation judgment what's going to happen and but we have to come back to do you feel worthy and when I do the coaching it's actually a three part system and the first part is going back to your your beliefs. What do you believe about yourself? Do you believe your ideas are worthy? Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe you have something to contribute? And then the second part moves into the assertiveness how to express it how to find that voice. And then the third part is taking it to the next level. So is it's a little bit more in depth but it's all part of it. We have to know ourselves trust ourselves and believe in ourselves. Donna Serdula 13:28 Who inspires you right now Dara? To insane Dara Connolly 13:34 Well, you know, it's not one person. I whenever I see a really strong woman, I'm like, Oh my gosh, she's my idol and mean it whether it's Oprah. I remember watching Oprah when I was a little girl with my mom. Like, this is mind blowing to me. When Mel Robbins first started speaking getting on the stage, I resonated with her when I listened to Michelle Obama, like if I could just morph them all into like, one perfect woman because they all bring something and I just get so inspired when I see women really living their truth and not worried about what other people say because, to me, that's what confidence is, right? We're leading the path. We're, we're not worried about what other people think. And that's, that's a big aha to realize, Donna Serdula 14:19 how have you felt about the me to movement? You know, I think that's me. It's been, it's nice to finally see some, you know, people saying, anyway, this isn't right, we're gonna we're gonna say no, no, Dara Connolly 14:32 thank you. That was a big moment for me when all that was going on. And that actually sparked me to write my first book, which was about how to prevent bullies, sexual assault and bad relationships because I was tired of watching everything going on in the world. And, you know, you have to remember I come from a martial arts background. And again, I may be the anomaly but for many years, I was in that world of that Okay, so I know this is hard because everyone has this idea of like Bruce Lee right can fight off an attacker, but the way women are attacked, that wasn't happening in a karate class, right? We fight like this. It's not robes going on. And I was so tired people not understanding how sexual assault or abuse or discrimination among women how it happens. And so I was, I was going out and really advocating strongly about how women are more likely to be hurt by someone they know. And then ended up being the title of my book, because I was like, we have to understand this. And so the me to movement like really was what pushed me to that next level in my career, I was small, I was doing my thing with the police, I was happy. But that was like when I really decided I have a voice and I'm going to use it and take it to the next level, because there's other women who need to hear this, Audra Ross 15:49 if you could go back to that time now. But knowing what you know now about confidence, you know, what, how would you? What could you have done differently in that situation when that situation occurred? Dara Connolly 16:02 Well, that's a good question. Um, I wouldn't have tolerated things I wouldn't have remained quiet, I wouldn't have got talked over, I would have stood up and said, Excuse me, I'm speaking or allowed all the there was a lot of misogyny, especially when I was younger, in my 20s, there was a lot of sexism that occurred, I wouldn't have tolerated because I was too afraid at the time, I didn't know that I had a voice. But I definitely wouldn't, wouldn't allow that to happen and would have spoke up and rallied with other women, because that's a big piece too, is know who your allies are. So we can help each other. I'm all about women collaborating together, not competing, collaborate together. And that's how we build the community of really getting to the next level of being heard of I always say is be seen, be heard, respected and remembered. That's how we get those together. Audra Ross 16:52 I think that so many women resonate with that. And it makes me think of back when, in the election when we had that vice presidential debate. That moment, Kamala Harris, like I'm speaking, when the pen started to speak over her. And it was just a small moment, but I think it was celebrated by so many women because everyone felt that. Exactly. Yeah, I Dara Connolly 17:14 was like cheering at the TV. And I mean, that's exactly that's what happens everywhere, from kitchen tables to boardrooms. I mean, it doesn't matter who you are, we all can pretty much resonate with that. But it's time that it changes because there's, there's this old paradigm that's happening, and it's shifting of, you know, women are getting into the workplace, but they're still getting, they're getting stuck, right, they hit a glass ceiling, but there's so much more we can go. So if anyone's feeling trapped, just reach out. And I'm happy to empower you. Because I feel like this is the work that I meant to do. And I want to help everyone. Donna Serdula 17:50 If a person was stuck, Dara, just they just felt stuck. And they knew that there was more for them? Or do you have any tips or tricks that you would say, to kind of get them to that point where they can start taking steps forward again, and to maybe pivot in their life? Dara Connolly 18:08 Yeah, I mean, it depends where they're stuck. If it's beliefs, self limiting beliefs of something someone said to them, or what they believe about themselves, we have to do that in our work, we have to take time to go back and strip it all down. And really, it comes down to three words, and I do this in my coaching, it's you are worthy. And you have to really let that sink in. It doesn't matter what's happened to us externally. We all have our baggage, we all have our stories. But deep down we are so we're so valuable to the core. You know, when I was writing that book, fear for pure fear. I spoke to one of the head research scientists at Cambridge University. His name is Dr. Ali Benazir and he's a statistician guide math guy, he does the numbers. And they said, Can you help me calculate the chance of being born, because I want people to understand how mind blowing it is that you're even here and he ran all the numbers and he said, you know, the chances of your parents meeting and then being together at that particular moment in time and being born with your hair, your genetics, your body type, it just comes down to a number that's unfathomable. It's not even, it's not even probable. It doesn't even make sense mathematically. But the number is one in 400 trillion. And when we think of a number like that, that is a chance of us being alive. So what I say to people is, wherever you're stuck if you're having a hard time finding your voice or overcoming fear or believing in yourself, think of that you were one in 400 trillion. You are here for a reason. You have to own that power and know that you are worthy. And take that as inspiration to step out and go for whatever it is you believe in you that you could do. Donna Serdula 20:01 Oh, I love that. And, and I think, you know, in terms of our podcast, and what we're trying to get across to people is not only that, but you're here, you know, why keep it small, you know, dream big, you know, Live a Little outside of your bounds. What Darrow? How are how are you dreaming big right now? What is your next big dream that you have for yourself? Dara Connolly 20:27 It's kind of funny, I don't, I don't know. I mean, I'm very open to whatever happens, I mean, the best thing that can happen is that I keep getting out there and empowering more women, I want every woman no matter where she is, wherever in the world to know that she is worthy. So going on to whether it's getting into the media or more podcasts like this, I just want to reach every woman to know that this is the time step up right now go into your power, because I needed to hear that right, I would have not stepped into it at all, I was living way. Within my comfort zone. I was very hidden and small, I felt invisible. And so if every woman can really get that message, just imagine the power every man gets that message and understands that you are valuable. The world will change, right? Well, we'll find and discover all the gifts that we have in side of us and we will use them. So I just keep I keep it open because honestly, I never thought it'd be doing some of the stuff I'm doing right now. And so I don't put limits on it. And I just see where it goes and enjoy the ride and hope and expect it'll be even bigger than I can imagine. Donna Serdula 21:38 How How can a person get ahold of you? If someone is thinking well, I need I need some help. I'm not confident. What what how would they how would you work with them? And where should they go to find out more about you? Dara Connolly 21:53 Yeah, I'm happy to jump on a inquiry call. I do free inquiry calls. If someone is interested go to Derek homily.com. Anyone can grab my free competence tips. I send those out. Those are really popular. Everybody loves those short little quick tips that'll keep you ahead of the game. So again, all of is available at Derek conley.com. Just don't be shy. Reach out to me and I'm happy to assist. You're making a difference. Thank you so much, Dara. Thank you. I love talking to you guys. Scott Jones 22:21 Like thanks for listening to dream big. With big dreamers. If you like the show, please do us a favor. Go into iTunes and write a review and give us a rating or share it with a friend via social media and email if you think they'd benefit from these conversations. Thanks again for listening. And we'll catch you next time. Until then, keep dreaming big Transcribed by https://otter.ai