Scott Edgar (00:02)
Welcome back to the poet delayed. My name is Scott and I'm the host. the last episode, ⁓ I talked, explored an idea expressed by the 16th century philosopher, ⁓ Montaigne that you don't die because something went wrong. You die because you are alive. And with that, the kind of difficult part about that is just an understanding and accepting the fact that life includes.

uncertainty, includes loss, it includes things you don't control. And that most of our suffering comes from resisting that, from wanting reality to be different than it is. But there's another layer to that that I discussed, because when life presses in, when it becomes heavy or painful, when things are uncertain, when fear shows up, then in those moments, if we panic, if we freeze, if we act out of fear, then while we don't die physically,

Something in us dies and we, there's a risk of abandoning ourselves and that in a very real way is another way we die of being alive. So the question isn't just what happens to you. It's also how do you move through what happens to you? And that's what I wanted to discuss in this episode. ⁓ I remember when I was a kid, I lived in Ramstein, Germany on the air force base there, and we lived in this apartment complex in the basement. was a long.

hallway that ran the length of the building and the people who lived in the building had storage units down there. And then either end of the hall, ⁓ it was dark. The lights weren't down there. And one day we were playing hide and seek in the basement of that building. And I ran into the basement and while we're playing hide and go seek through the bill throughout the building, but I ran into the basement and I ran to the end of the hall in the darkness and

hid in the doorway. I pressed myself back against the door and flattened myself into it so that if someone came down the stairs and looked down the hallway, they wouldn't see me. And so I just stood there in the silence. And then I heard it. The person who was there, I could hear them coming down the stairs and then I could hear their footsteps hit the ground and pause. I remember this like it was yesterday and I could hear them turn.

And could hear their footsteps start coming toward me. Now I was terrified. I remember exactly what it felt like, the tension, the fear, the certainty that I was about to be found, that I was going to be it. And I couldn't hold it anymore. So as I sat there, the tension just built and built and built until finally out of pure fear and anxiety, I jumped out of the doorway. I jumped out. wanted to scare them. wanted to get ahead of it. I wanted to end the tension that I was sitting in.

But in that moment and doing that, I obviously gave up myself. I gave myself up to the person. But here's the thing, when I jumped out, the person who was it had already turned around and I didn't know this and they were about to walk back up the stairs.

And so had I just stayed in the doorway, just a few more seconds, I would have been fine, but I couldn't endure the anxiety. was just too much for me. I thought about it a lot because I thought about that. You know, that's one of those moments that just stays in my mind. It's frozen there. It comes up every now and then. And as I've been, as I've been kind of working through this, you know, sitting through anxiety, sitting through the difficult times in my life rather than

being anxious, jumping out this memory, which is always, I've always remembered it's, it's coming back now and teaching me, which I'm grateful for. But I thought, think about that a lot because in the reality was nothing forced me out of that doorway. I wasn't discovered. I wasn't caught. I left because I couldn't tolerate the feeling. I didn't act in that moment. I reacted out of fear and in reacting, I gave up the very thing I was trying to protect, which was myself.

And that doesn't just happen in childhood games happens in life all the time. We feel something, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, longing. And instead, and instead of just letting it be, instead of just sitting in it, there's the risk that we act in an effort to relieve the pressure, to escape the discomfort, to resolve that moment. But here's the thing that I'm learning. Not every feeling is a command. And when we treat it like one.

If we move too soon, we act out of fear, if we step out of that doorway, we don't just make a mistake. We.

likely will end up abandoning ourselves. In fact, I think that's what happens as we do abandon ourselves in that moment. And when we abandon ourselves, then something collapses.

So this is what I've been learning, that peace comes from two movements at once, letting go of what you cannot control and acting on what you can at the same time.

There's a line from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus. He says something along the lines of, don't wish for things to happen as you want them to, wish for them to happen as they do, and your life will go more smoothly. That's a paraphrase. But note that he isn't saying to live a passive life. Rather, he's saying, don't try to control what is not in your control. Don't try to control what is out of your control.

The hallway was dark, the footsteps were coming, and the feeling was there, that anxiety. But that's not the problem. That's the reality of the situation. Those are the circumstances.

That's the things as they are.

just what is.

And once you see that clearly, once you stop arguing with it, then the question becomes, how do you meet it? And that brings me to this, this quote from Marcus really is I'm going to paraphrase it actually. talks about going to a bath house and he says, when I go to a bath house, I expect to be jostled. I expect inconvenience. expect disturbances. And, but he says, when I go to the bath house, my goal is in just to go to the bath house. My goal is to go to the bath house.

and maintain my integrity.

While he's there, he knows he's going to be jostled. So when it happens, he just rolls with it. He knows it'll be inconvenient. So when it happens, he just rolls with it. He knows there'll be disturbance. So when it happens, he just rolls with it rather than trying to fight against it, rather trying to expect reality to bend to him.

Because the moment that you lose that, the moment that you lose that ability to sit and to accept reality, then we lose our integrity because it's easy to act out of fear. It's easy to act out of anxiety. It's easy to act in a way that we try to ⁓ alleviate the discomfort and pain. And in doing so, we abandon ourselves and we often leave ourselves behind.

So this is the line that I keep coming back to kind of going off of my experience of playing hide and go seek, stay in the doorway long enough, then move with integrity, stay pause, don't run, don't panic, don't react out of fear, let the feeling rise and fall without abandoning your position and then move with clarity, with intention, with integrity.

Life is not going to become simple. That's a reality. And the goal isn't to escape it. The goal is to live inside of it, to face it, and to move anyway. And I know that's easier said than done.

that is.

the only way to move. There is a great poem. Let me grab this book here. This is a poem by Rilke. I was going to just paraphrase it, but this poem needs to be read. And I've read it before, and I've referenced it before. And now I don't have it marked, so.

All right, it's titled Ignorant Before the Heavens of My Life. writes, Ignorant before the heavens of my life, I stand and gaze in wonder. the vastness of the stars, they're rising in descent. How still, as if I didn't exist. Do I have any share in this? Have I somehow dispensed with their pure effect? Does my blood's ebb and flow change with their changes? Let me put aside every desire, every relationship.

except this one so that my heart grows used to its farthest spaces. And here's the line, better that it live fully aware and the terror of its stars than as if protected, soothed by what is near. It was poem. read this poem and I see it as a man confronting his life and realizing, Whoa, this is my life and it's passing me by. Do I still have any share in this? And then he comes to the conclusion that

It's better that his heart live fully aware and the terror of its stars and as if protected, soothed by what is near. I like that line as if protected, soothed by what is near. When we run, when we act in anxiety, when we act out of fear, a lot of times those actions are because we are trying to move to something that we.

something near as trying to be protected as if protected, soothed by what is near, which indicates not a real protection, but that is the work to be aware, to see things clearly because you can't move well in something that you refuse to see. And I, another poem that I've written that I keep coming back to the title, terrible potential, it's about fear. And in that poem, I write,

⁓

I write about my fear as a child.

I'm gonna read that here too.

in my book, My Mother Sleeps. I've referenced it a number of times on the podcast, but here's how the poem reads. reads, I see it now. For years, I only sensed it or saw the dissipating dust tells of its approach, but it filled me with terror and there was no cover or protection. So I ran as fast as my child's stride could take me, not even knowing what it was.

Only that it was coming, but that made the fear so much more in my little mind. So I ran harder until I forgot why I was running, only knowing that I couldn't stop. But I see it now. Its shape is fluid and undefined, and its terrible potential fills my mind. I want to keep running, retreating, but it won't stop, and it's closing the gap, and it's more terrible than I ever thought. But it's real. I see it now. And I know there's no escape. There never was.

But I want to keep running anyway until it overtakes me. I won't see it coming. It will just happen and be done. But my insufficient legs refuse to carry me anymore. So I prostrate myself as an offering. I know you're coming, I whisper. And I offer myself willingly. This is not defeat, I reassure myself. Then lower my eyes and brace for its fury. But my mind keeps moving.

Defiantly it knows truth that my body forgot and reminds me You were born with claws and they're with you still and I remember and feel them They are deep But I feel them and they are there so I raised my body from the dirt and my eyes to the distance It is closer now the gap disappearing But not my fear my fear is growing broadcast loudly by my beating heart

but I no longer want to run, nor offer myself willingly. Instead, I watch it come and I wait, in fear, true, but I wait to receive it and I steady myself. I have claws and I feel them, and I will meet it face to face. I have terrible potential too. I feel it now.

So I ran literally and vigorously through my life. But then something shifted as I wrote the poem. I started to realize that I don't need to run.

And I studied myself and I realized something that I have claws. get that line from Nietzsche. I have claws and I'm not helpless. And neither are you because when you realize that you don't have to react out of fear, that you can remain, that you can force, that you can face what's coming without abandoning yourself.

When we come to that kind of like Rilke, when we come to that conclusion that it's better to live fully aware in the terror of its stars than as if protected, soothed by what is near. we come to that, then we can, I think, sit through the fear and the anxiety and learn from it. Now there are some practical things that I'm learning as well.

And one thing that's helped me do this, and again, I'm, this is not a class on how to do this stuff because I don't know and I'm still learning how to do it. But there are things that I am learning. So in practical things, one of them is, ⁓ understanding containers because part of what overwhelms us is not just what's happening is that everything feels like an immediate threat. Everything feels like it's happening right now, pressing on us all at once. And when everything feels immediate,

your nervous system stays activated. But when you begin to understand the limits of things, their timing, their scope, their boundaries, you start to see that not everything is pressing on you right now. And when that happens, my experience is the pressure begins to settle and you can see more clearly and you can respond more calmly because that sense of immediacy, at least for me, that's what drives the fear. And when that softens, you're no longer reacting. You're able to respond.

not react. It's like the difference, the metaphor I think of it's like the difference between being out in the forest at night with no boundaries and being inside a cabin. When there are walls, your nervous system settles, not because the world has changed, but because what's around you has become defined, has become put into its container. The unknowns are reduced and that's the shift because in life those walls don't just appear.

We need to create them by seeing clearly what's actually there, being fully aware, by understanding what something is and what it isn't. And that clarity is what allows you to move through things without feeling overwhelmed by all of them at once. And for me, when it does, when it feels like it's too much, I come back to this line. This is kind of my mantra. I can't solve my life today, but I can act with integrity in this hour. Not everything.

not forever, just this hour. I say that to myself every day, multiple times, and it's, it's helpful. So life will bring uncertainty. You don't control that. You will feel things you don't want to feel. You don't control that either, but you do control how you move in those moments. And when fear drives your movement, you lose yourself. But when you stay and then move with integrity,

then you remain and you remain you and you don't abandon yourself and you don't lose yourself

you don't die because something goes wrong. You die because you are alive. Sickness, hardship, uncertainty, those are conditions of life.

You don't die because something goes wrong. You die because you are alive. Sickness, hardship, uncertainty, those are conditions of life. They are not the cause of death. Life is, as we discussed in the first part.

But there is a more devastating kind of death, the one we talked about in the first episode, the one that happens when we panic, when we freeze, when we react out of fear, when we abandon ourselves. So when life presses in, stay, pause. Don't run, don't panic, don't react out of fear. And then when you are settled in yourself, move with clarity, with intention, with integrity.

So as you make your way through life, as the waves rise, as the storms come, don't abandon yourself. See things for what they are, accept reality for what it is and move with integrity. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. I appreciate the support. And if you got something out of this, if this was helpful, I'd appreciate if you'd share it with somebody who you might think, who you think might benefit from it. And as always,

May I be I is the only prayer. Thanks.