CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Wedding Shakti: The Wedding Coach
DURATION: 28:09

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection, a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Today we are happy to welcome Shradha WTB. Shradha is anÊaccomplished speaker, author, and wedding coach who helps engaged couples through the stress and anxieties of wedding planning.ÊShradhaÕs book Witness the Breakthrough documents her personal journey of growth and authenticity, which is the cornerstone of her work as a wedding coach. Stay tuned at the end of the podcast for a special offer for our Choosing Your Reflection listeners. We are so happy to have you with us today Shradha!

Shradha: Thank you very much Lauren, and first of all, I would like to thank you for putting up such a brilliant show that is so very much needed in these times, especially what COVID has brought in for us. 

Twenty-six years ago, I remember being engaged, being very happy, at times confused, at times accepting the pressure that was put on me to say Òyes.Ó And today, when I look at couples, when I engage with them, when I listen to them, when I coach them, I can totally relate to all the facets of confusion and the excitement, which is not actually self-aware excitement. It's just because of the attention that they are getting because they are engaged. 

And that's why many of the couples that come to me have said ÒyesÓ out of sheer boredom. They have said ÒyesÒ  just to add some thrill in their lives. So it's a huge disparity from where I was then and what is now.  At the same time it's also a lot of similarity when I see couples yet lost, when I see couples yet not knowing why they're marrying and who they're marrying.

Lauren: I feel like a lot of people across the world can really identify with both sides of what you've just mentioned, which is someone who's really excited to be engaged, and then the other people who really don't even know what they're getting themselves into. So you really hit the nail on the head there. 

I guess I want to jump into the fact that our podcast really focuses on brides- and grooms-to-be learning about how they can choose to reflect themselves to the people around them. And with what you just said in mind, I wonder how that sort of gets caught up in that process as well.

Shradha: Great question. I would say that when you talk of reflection the first thing that comes for the viewer, for your partner, for the new family that you're welcoming as a bride or as a groom, is your attire. And most people will engage or will settle for someone else's opinion. And like my mentor Les Brown said, ÒSomeone else's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.Ó

So that girl who came to me crying that I do not want to wear a red lehenga. For the International listeners the lehenga is the Indian outfit that a bride wears. And she did not want to wear a red one, though her culture or her family was encouraging her to do that when she wanted to wear baby pink. And so if that is reflecting her happiness and her inner joy, then I would always encourage you to go by that because your wedding comes once in a lifetime, and you do want to be just yourself and reflect who you are with what you're wearing.

Lauren: In your opinion, how important is that decision for a person to make, like that autonomy for these people who are, you know, brides-to-be, grooms-to-be, for them to make these decisions? I have a very good Pakistani friend, she picked every outfit that she wore at her wedding, which was so not traditional. And then I have Western friends who didn't get to pick their wedding outfit because their parents were more overbearing. So I've seen the opposite of both sides in both cultures. And I wonder in your expert opinion, how important is choosing an outfit for your wedding day? Because a lot of people put a lot of emphasis on the bride's got to be beautiful, and the groom's got to look perfect. But is that really that important?

Shradha: I just love your questions because that reminds me of all the confusion and chaos that comes before me in the coaching sessions when I speak to the brides and grooms. And I think, Lauren, that self-awareness is key. So if you are aware that you want to go with your parentsÕ choice of your attire, then go for it. If you are aware that you want to wear the baby pink lehenga that that girl was crying about, go for it. If you want to actually wear something that your partner would like you to wear, go for it. But be self-aware, and hold yourself accountable for that decision that you make. Then let's not get into the blame game. 

So I think everything is all about self-awareness. If you have taken that decision, knowingly, then why crib about it. And if you haven't taken that decision knowingly, then why do it? So I would not have anything to say on the fact that it's important to decide your own attire for your wedding. But I definitely would encourage one to be coming from a place of self-awareness. That's important. That makes you accept more easily, more smoothly and more comfortably.

Lauren:  And it also almost is a type of freedom of expression, mixed with this sort of accountability that, you know, you're the person who is accountable for those decisions instead of, as you just very aptly said, it's not a blame game. It's up to you. It's your accountability in that situation.

Shradha:  There are lots of girls who come to me, you know, cribbing about wedding photographs -- not getting the right shot, not getting the right smile. Well, if you were quarreling while the photoshoot, what do you expect to show on the pictures? 

So it's the same thing. You are talking about choosing your reflection, and I just love this title that you have given your podcast, Choosing Your Reflection, it's all about you -- whether you are accepting willingly with self-awareness to carry yourself the way you are. And that does not only mean your attire in fabric, but it also means in attire of totality. Your aura, your smile, your grace, your dignity. All of that comes along with who you are as a bride, that beautiful woman standing there on the stage who is about to enter a new life. What is she really carrying with her for the world to see as her reflection?

Lauren:  Going out into the world with that reflection there is a sort of balance that needs to be taken. And I'm sure you get this question a lot from the couples that come to you. But I wonder what advice you typically give when balancing sort of that freedom of expression -- that woman who wants to wear pink -- mixed with the accountability of having to face her family that maybe doesn't want her to wear pink. So how do you teach couples to really balance that freedom of expression with the accountability that is the reality of life sometimes with others who are around you?

Shradha: Surprisingly, when these couples come to me, they are not coming from a place of seeking balance. They are coming from a place of facing decision fatigue, finding it difficult to talk to their parents, to their soon to be in-laws. Things like talking to the wedding vendors, which should be last on their mind. ItÕs actually the reason for their strain in that relationship during the wedding planning process. 

And then I introduce them to the balance that you're talking about, through a system that I have come up with that is called the F.A.I.T.H. system. And I have acronymÕd it for:

F for Focus
A for Accountability
I for Invest
T for Thoughts
H for Hunger

So when you actually focus on yourself, Lauren, and hold yourself accountable for your decision, take the time to invest in all your activities, your actions and your mindfulness, change your thoughts from negativity to a more positive, welcoming attitude, and have the hunger to remain honest to your core to the reasons why you said ÒyesÓ to each other for this marriage. 

I have a togetherness challenge actually for the brides and grooms that I make them go through with a lot of coaching questions. And that creates the balance, that creates the self-awareness, and that creates acceptance to self-expression because every relationship begins with self-relationship.

Lauren: Absolutely! Thank you for sharing that so wonderfully. I mean, it's so concise and I think that's so easy for someone who is overly fatigued already to really grasp and understand. It's not overly complicated to catch on to very quickly. So I really appreciate you walking us through that. 

Sort of relating back to my own experience, I went shopping and I probably tried on, oh gosh, like hundreds of dresses, like ridiculous amounts of clothes. I was fatigued. As another guest we've had labels it, it's maximizing. You're trying everything instead of really focusing in on who you are. And I was not taking anyone's advice, like just trying to focus in but I couldn't because I had so many choices, and I had so many things in front of me. 

But I guess what I'm trying to say is the fatigue that you hit with making these decisions is so true to the wider scope of a marriage. You're on this very fatiguing experience with a partner. But then sometimes your partner isn't involved in choosing that outfit with you. They can be, but a lot of the times they aren't. And I wonder if it's harder, in your opinion, to make those decisions for an outfit versus making wider wedding decisions.

Shradha: I'm happy that you asked this question, Lauren, because when couples come to me, my conversations with them do not include the decision fatigue that you're talking about. Yes, I do listen to them. But then I introduce them to actually knowing each other. So now why not have these conversations before? 

The tagline of what I do, Òwedding shakti,Ó is take time to say Òyes.Ó Most people will engage in that hasty decision. So it's not about saying ÒnoÓ but it's taking the time to say Òyes.Ó And why not have these conversations before you get to that stage wherein you're, you know, complaining that your partner is not helping you decide? Or who should decide or I am facing this fatigue or do I have to do it all alone? All of these conversations should be happening before that. But most couples will say ÒyesÓ and then fall in that trap. 

Do you know, every nine seconds a divorce is happening in America? Do you know that? So that means when you're taking a wedding vow in two minutes more than 10 divorces are taking place. Why? Because they didn't take the time to have these conversations before. 

So yes, you are asking me things pertaining to the wedding planning experience. And I happen to transform that experience with the F.A.I.T.H. system coaching sessions, with the togetherness challenge that I put forward for the brides and grooms. Because now it's not about all the hullabaloo around the wedding but it's about them, so that they have an intense, romantic, intimate, beautiful relationship in the years together to follow. That's more important.

Lauren:  I one hundred percent agree. And I wonder É you talk a lot about people who are coming to you once they've already sort of hit a roadblock in the planning process. Do you ever get people, I'm sure you do, couples coming to you or individuals coming to you before they start planning? They're sort of preemptively thinking, you know, I want to work on this and É and what do you tell them? Do you tell them the same F.A.I.T.H. and togetherness challenges? Or do you give them a different sort of plan?

Shradha: So yes, absolutely the F.A.I.T.H. system I have, you know, been using this for even my leadership trainings in corporate, because then I teach audiences to focus on themselves to hold themselves accountable for their decisions. 

When single individuals come to me, most of them are coming to me when they are going through heartbreak, because they have heard about me or they have crossed the danger zone of 30. So now the pressure is building up, okay, I'm not married, am I going to find a virgin? What's going to happen? Such É such peculiar questions that come up. 

All of these insecurities are not about getting married, but it's about knowing who you are. That's where all the answers lie. So I prepare them. I prepare them to be confident and to look within, for who they are to reflect their desire. To reflect their choice. Because who you become is what you get. You don't get what you want.

Lauren:  Do you hear from couples after they've been together for a little bit?

Shradha: Yes. After the wedding newlyweds within the two-year range, they are the people where reality hits them. Post wedding blues. When all the tension has gone, all the guests have left, all the you know prep and all the choosing of the attire and everything is over. The flowers, the decoration, the venue, now what? 

So those conversations that should have happened earlier are happening now because the biggest problem today in the world is expressing yourself. And that's the place where people need most assistance, but they refrain from asking for help. 

Like this one girl who came to me. Now she came to me two years after her marriage. She was given an ultimatum by her father-in-law and her father that if she does not decide in one more month then they are going to proceed with her divorce. And she reached out to me through social media, she found out about me. And she came. She was sobbing, and she said, ÒI have been to an astrologer, I've been to a gynecologist, I've been to a tarot reader, I have been to anything and everything that I could think of, or that people suggest to me. But I haven't yet been able to connect with my partner, with my husband.Ó 

And so before I begin the sessions, I always ask them, ÒWhere would you like to be?Ó She signed up for three months, which is É I asked her before I start the sessions, in the exploratory call that ÒWhere would you like to be at the end of the session?Ó So she said, I haven't been on my honeymoon yet. I would like to be in Goa -- that's a beach destination in India -- with my husband. And I said, ÒAll right, if you're willing to work on yourself, let's do this.Ó And she said ÒYes, I do not have any other option. Let's go ahead.Ó 

Lauren, on the fifth session, she owned up to me that she's still a virgin. Now listen to this, she's married for two years, and this girl is a virgin. And then we went ahead with the sessions. And on the seventh session, she sent me pictures of her and her husband in Goa. That's just less than two months. And for two years, she was struggling. 

And then we went on to complete the sessions. And she revealed that before her wedding one of her friends shared with her that it's very painful. So she was living in that myth. And I happened to see her and her photographs and she's a very petite small framed girl so it was very natural for her. But she did not take the time to express herself. 

And most people are facing this problem. And that's why wedding coaching. That's why wedding shakti because people are not sharing with friends, for the fear of being judged. People are not sharing with parents, for the fear of you know that difference. 

And also, the hypocrisy that parents are putting on the children. They have not shown them real love. And today, couples are done. They want authenticity in their relationships, they are just done. So now they are only, only looking for the real deal. Whereas what they have seen in their parents. Even if they are staying together, they have grown up to see the hypocrisy in the relationships. That's why people are not sharing with their parents, not with their friends, and not with each other, even the partner, because there is so much of trust issue.

So now where do they go?

Lauren: They go to you!

Shradha: I feel very, very grateful and fulfilled when I'm able to save a marriage because now that girl is actually expecting a baby Lauren! Imagine how I feel!

Lauren: Absolutely, that's fantastic! And, so wonderful that you've had that experience and that you're able to help people. You're talking about, you know, individuals who really need someone to guide them through this. But they also É you've mentioned that they need each other, you know, your togetherness, that's very important. 

So I'm wondering, you know, you mentioned that you get couples, but you also mentioned that you get individuals. Do you get individuals who have a partner who's not always as willing to hear what's going on? And what kind of difficulties do you face and in that respect, because not every couple is necessarily both fully into working on things.

Shradha: So many examples, how many would you like to listen? Let me start with É let me start with this one girl who reached out to me from Europe. And she was dating her boyfriend for 11 years. And she could not commit to him. She was facing commitment phobia. And her friend introduced her to me. So she reached out to me on her own. And she was literally sobbing Lauren. I can never forget her initial sessions!

For a year her boyfriend was giving her hints that they break up and it was really you know, making her feeling very low and depressed. She is not in Europe at the moment. She is out of the country cycling in the forests. So she said I want to go back only with self-confidence whether my boyfriend accepts me or not, but I want to not be labeled again. That was her desire for the sessions. 

So we went ahead with the sessions and would you believe Lauren that she hasn't even come for her eighth session and she is already getting hints from her boyfriend to come back? And she's going to finish cycling in the next two weeks, and then she flies back to her home country.
Now the boyfriend was nowhere involved. 

So I work on that person. Because like I said, even in the beginning of the podcast, it's all about your self-relationship. Once you are good, everything around you becomes good. So she É she could identify with where she had actually pushed away people unknowingly. That self-awareness creeps in and now her boyfriend wanted her back. 

And another example, which I have just É it's a very gory one but I would take the opportunity to share here because I can understand that you never know who would be listening to your podcast and probably this message is for her and him. 

This one girl who was dating and was not ready for marriage but she became pregnant. And now she reached out to me, and of course, they decided to get É to go, you know, I feel bad to even say that, but they decided not to go ahead with the baby. But the girl was going through a lot of trauma, a lot of trauma. And it's not easy. And I wasn't talking to the boy, I was only talking to the girl, but to give her that strength to make her find her life back again, and give it more meaning and reason.

It's so fulfilling to watch her courage to revive and to come back and strike with more, you know, conviction because this is not the end of the world. 

So many examples like this. It's not just about the couple, it's wedding coaching. So it's about all the stress and the pressure that you feel because of a wedding. The wedding should be this, the wedding É you should be sitting like this, you should be eating like this, you should be wearing this, you should be doing this, you should be talking like this. This should be your photograph, this should be your snapshot. All of that is wedding coaching.

Lauren:  Do you think that the structure of a wedding is helpful a lot of the time for couples or do you think that it's more hurtful? 

Shradha:  The pandemic has really put a hold on all weddings of all types of all structures. So now there's going to be something new that's going to come up. And I can assure you that whatever comes up is going to be the real deal because now couples are not willing to accept anything else but authenticity, but genuineness. So now the structure that is going to come up is going to be definitely something with love. And there isn't anything more powerful than love.

Lauren: It's the one structure that should be still in place!

Shradha:  Absolutely! Absolutely, yes!

Lauren: Could you share just a little bit more about the phrase Òwedding shakti?Ó

Shradha:  Thank you very much for asking that. When I started wedding coaching, I searched on Google for every other letter or word that I could add to wedding and I couldn't find anything. Shakti means power. It's also the name of one of our goddesses that we pray to. So, when I wrote Òwedding shaktiÓ I thought to my mind, why not bring back power to weddings? That's why Òwedding shakti.Ó So power in weddings, which is lost somewhere in that attire, somewhere in those decorations, somewhere in all those you know, Òperfect wantsÓ of the big day.

Lauren:  To put power back into it not only gives power to it for the day for everyone involved but gives confidence as well.

Shradha:  As a couple, as a couple and for all the years together to follow because nobody wants their wedding to fail. It's sad that the divorce rates are so high but when it comes to dating, okay. Live-in relationships, also okay. But when it comes to weddings, no one wants their wedding to fail. So that's why wedding shakti, bring it with power and become a Òwedding shaktiÓ bride or a Òwedding shaktiÓ groom. Ask yourself this question. Are you a Òwedding shaktiÓ bride? Are you a Òwedding shaktiÓ groom?

Lauren: And in essence, you know, your Òwedding shakti Òwould be wearing that pink lehenga. Wearing you know, wearing that outfit that you really, really felt was important to you. That's the Òwedding shaktiÓ for it when it comes to what you're, you know what your power is for your outfit.

Shradha:  With the pandemic now making it also relevant that life is so short and live it full and die empty in my mentors words. So why not wear that baby pink lengha? What, why to put it away? And why to crib about it later? And if you want to go with your parentsÕ choice, why not do it wholeheartedly? Why do it out of compulsion and pressure?

Lauren:  Take accountability for your decision but make the decision. Have that power to make that call.

Shradha: And IÕm giving you a tool to assist you for that! I'm giving you the F.A.I.T.H. system! And for all your viewers who are listening I have a free download F.A.I.T.H. system guide on my website that they can go there and download and you know, start their journey just going within. That's why I said when I started out I said relationship coaching would come when someone is facing a discrepancy in their lives, whereas wedding coaching is laying the foundation right at the very start. Because I also tell my couples that once a bride, forever a bride. Once a groom, forever a groom. Why change that?

Lauren:  I absolutely love that! I absolutely love that because you're partners for the rest of the foreseeable future! For life hopefully É that's the goal. That's what you're there for. So I think that's absolutely beautiful. I'm just so happy that we got to talk!

Shradha:  So am I and you are doing really lovely service, especially during these times, Lauren. So I really, really congratulate all the Choosing Your Reflection listeners for taking the time to listen and to understand the way of the future. Because the future of relationships in the virtual world lies in self-awareness, lies in knowing who you really are. 

So I really welcome you. In fact, I want to offer all your listeners a complimentary 20-minute consultation. And they can reach out to me through my website weddingshakti.com. They can also reach out to me on my social media handles by the name Shradha WTB.

Lauren:  Wow, thank you so much! That's such a lovely offer and I'm so appreciative that you were here today with us. So thank you so much!

Shradha has generously offered a complimentary mini session to any of our listeners, as well as a full session for any new Choosing Your Reflection guests. New guests can reach out to us at tellyourstory@choosingyourreflection.com.