CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Reflecting Our Values
DURATION: 25:29

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Today, we have a very good friend of mine, Allison. I have known her for over 20 years. So quite a while, one of my oldest friends, and I'm so happy to have her. Hi, Allison, could you just introduce yourself for us?

Allison: Sure. Hi, Lauren. My name is Allison Tomlinson. IÕve been married for three years now.  I work in Regulatory Affairs and I'm hoping to pursue a degree in social design soon, and I just love nature.

Lauren: Thank you for being here with us today. When you think about your wedding, any element from start to finish, what's the first thing that pops into your mind when you think about the wedding itself?

Allison: There was this spot at a park in this like obscure location where there were signs all over like the buildings that say, ÒDo not enter, do not trespass.Ó And me and my husband and my photographer went and took photos in the woods by these like dramatic abandoned houses. 

And even though that wasn't the most enjoyable part of the experience, it was just like, so the ÒmagicalnessÓ that I wanted from my wedding. And when I look back at those photos, I just feel like they're so beautiful and I love them. And I love the whimsy of them. And it just was a lot of what I wanted to capture in my wedding. And I felt like all of the other little details that we put into every other part were just like echoes of that central image. 

Lauren: So how did that central image sort of permeate into other elements from decor to, you know, the planning, to your dress?

Allison: So I really wanted something very Òforesty,Ó sort of like whimsical, sort of like, classic and É like magical is the word but it's also not the word because I don't feel like all that, you know, like magic obsessed or something like that. But when I was like planning out like my whole outfit, I really just wanted something that was like timeless and simple and then also just like had like that bit of nature in it. Which is why I had like the flower crowns. And I was so intensely focused on how like my bouquets would look and the bouquets of like my bridesmaids. 

And then also just like flowers, and like greenery were so important. And like all of the little details, like on the table, and in the aisle, and like on this arch around where we were standing. I just wanted all of those little details to just feel very subtly like nature even though we were just like getting married at like my friend's church, you know? I don't like a lot of like glitz or glam or like sparkle or like glitter. That's just very not me. And I also don't really like putting too much money into every single facet of everything. 

And I feel like in terms of like nature, that's always how I've connected to myself, and to my God, and like to like my spirituality. And something that me and my husband have always very much prioritized is like being out in nature. I would just love to just like live in the woods, basically! So I wanted to like include those things without spending an enormous amount of money with like, you know, dragging my grandmother like through like mud to like stand in the woods or something like that.

Lauren: No, absolutely. And leaning even further into that, how did you find a dress that really in embodied nature? 

Allison: The dress was not super nature, I guess. But it was just like very simple. So the process for finding my dress kind of looked like this. I wanted to like pull in my family and like friends to kind of find a good dress and I just like tried on dresses not even to buy, just to see what style I liked and what fit well with me and all of those things. And we found one like pretty quickly that all of us were like ÒYeah, this is the right style.Ó It was both like romantic and like huge, but also like not, you know, gaudy or like too large and just overall liked the shape of it. And then was basically going to look for a dress of that kind wherever I could. 

And a friend of mine who I was living with at the time, her mother was so good at like researching dresses. She just can find anything that you need on the internet. And she found this like amazing dress for $500 but it was originally like a $2,000 dress and it was in my size, my bust size all of those things. 

And in the end it was just me and another one of my bridesmaids, Tory. We drove out to Lancaster and like made a day of like going to this stranger's house, going to this upper room, and trying on this already used dress that was like somewhat dirty at the bottom. And, like there was this moment that the both of us had where we just looked at each other. And we were like, ÒThis is beautiful, this is amazing!Ó 

And it was perfect, because me and this woman had the same exact body, but she was a little taller. So we literally found a dress that was already used, which I really love because I love the idea of recycling and reusing something. And also, you know, a dress is so expensive and so much time and detailing goes into it. I love the idea of being able to use it again and for you know that money to kind of be moved around as well. So that ended up being the dress that I found. And then my mother-in-law is a seamstress. And she just hemmed the bottom for me. And it was just so great. 

And what I loved about it was just that it was a little off white, it had just like a beautiful shape. And there was just like this, like lovely, like lace detailing that was just like so subtle and so beautiful. I felt like it mirrored the lace that I had in the Queen Anne's lace flowers in my bouquet as well. Just the two kind of interacting, I guess that's kind of a part of the nature part of it. 

But yeah, it was a really great experience. And I really liked that I had the moment with all of those people. And then I also had this really small moment with just one person. And we just got to, you know, enjoy this moment of finding the thing and feeling really good about it.

Lauren: I want to know a little bit more about that moment that you did have with your friend What was that moment for you? I mean, what were you thinking, what was going through your head during that moment that you put it on and looked at her and you went ÒThis is it!Ó

Allison: Yeah! Well, we were just like laughing awkwardly at being in a stranger's bedroom and finding it so strange that we like É that I'm just like getting mostly naked! You know, like, you obviously like have to take your bra off at some point because they just don't fit under them! And you like just get into this dress. 

And as she was like zipping it up, I think there was like a mirror in the other side of the room. And it felt so good. Like, it just felt really good the way that it fit around the bodice. I just felt really like powerful in it. And then you know, there was just a moment where both of us kind of looked at each other and looked at the dress and we both just felt like ÒThis is such a beautiful thing!Ó

Lauren: Feeling powerful. It's really awesome to hear you say that that's quite important to feel, you know, happy and proud of what you look like but also be like, ÒWow, I felt powerful in this.Ó That's really interesting.

Allison: Yeah, it was a very cozy dress, like cozy and comfortable and just like empowering. I just felt like I could É like I would definitely like wear it around the house if I felt so inclined.

Lauren: You mentioned that you felt powerful putting it on in a stranger's home, half naked! You know, fast forward, now you're walking down the aisle, you have everything put together. Did you feel like you felt powerful then? Or were other things going through your mind at that point?

Allison: I think I did feel powerful. And I think it's hard to not feel powerful when you know that everyone in that space is looking at you. There's something really palpable about that energy. But I don't think that was the main feeling I felt in that moment. I mostly just felt like all of our relationship before then was like accumulating to like this small moment that we had. 

My husband, Matt is not much of a crier, not really an outward emotional person on many levels. But he, you know, cried in that moment, and that was just sort of like very tender for me. There's this intense intimacy that you're having. You're also having it in this like communal space thatÕs just very intense. 

And I think I just felt like a boss in that moment because I knew that I looked really good! Like, I loved like the whole thing. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel comfortable. And it made me feel just like very elegant and beautiful and very much also myself. I feel like a lot of times on your wedding day you kind of look and feel like a different person. But I felt like this was still very much myself, which I really enjoyed.

Lauren: Do you feel like brides should be powerful for their wedding? And I know, that's sort of a weird question. But I'm going along the lines of do you think generally speaking that brides serve as the leader of this, you know, event? It's typically you know, if we're talking about a marriage between a man and a woman, typically speaking the bride serves as the leader. So do you think that it's important for them to also feel powerful for that day because of that?

Allison: I think that it is, but I think that a lot of brides, I mean, perhaps just like culturally, we've seen that with like shows like Bridezilla and those kinds of things, that maybe the power is not really good for their head, or is maybe not as good of a thing. And I certainly had moments like that on the day before. The day of I really didn't feel that at all, I kind of just was ready to let whatever happened happen. 

But I do think that there is something É I think there's something that there's natural that you feel power as a bride. And I think that if you're able to be in that moment and not kill the people around you, and not really hurt, like harm them, but be able to just like, like, experience that confidence and just like live in that moment, then I think that that's a great thing. 

I ended up like giving an impromptu speech in the middle of my wedding. I don't even know why! I just felt like the power of the moment in those things. We had chairs that just the two of us were sitting in that were, I don't know, just like nice armchairs, wingback chairs, and I just literally felt like a queen. I just felt like a queen and like my husband was the king and like people had to like approach our thrones to like, come to us. 

And then I got to like go É  it sounds so egotistical, but I got to like go and like greet all of my guest. And that was like such a joy for me was just to be able to like go around to all the tables and talk to all of the people. And even just like have small, deeper intimate moments with people sitting down with people and like having conversations. That was really meaningful to me and all of that kind of went by so fast! Like suddenly the wedding was over! Like everyone was going home and I was like, ÒWhat's going on? I thought this was still my kingdom!Ó

Lauren: I mean, for all of the days that you can feel like a queen, that's the day, you know? 

Allison: Yes!

Lauren: Sort of circling back a little bit to Matt, did you have him compliment you? Did he pick something out that he wanted in particular? Because clearly, you were all about nature. I know he loves nature, too. But was his style sort of incorporated into everything as well?

Allison: Yes. The first pieces of our I guess general attire that we figured out really early was that we both got like TOMS for the wedding like TOMS shoes. And Matt got these like really nice leather ones and I got kind of like lacy white ones. I think his were better, and he still wears them like all the time. But those were like the first piece that we both got because we both really enjoyed those shoes. You know, we like to do things that you know care for other people. 

We also just really wanted to be comfortable. And we liked the idea of kind of matching even if you didn't even really see my shoes like the whole day. So like that was the first piece that we figured out. 

And then we coordinated his tie. I was scouring the internet, probably aggressively, looking for like a nice green floral tie for him to wear and we found this like really nice one. And that was like the next piece that really complimented with É I really just wanted the greenery of the bouquets to really like shine. 

I had thought about even like for my bridesmaids having them wear green dresses. But it just kind of didn't fit with the summer. So I had them wear like a light blush color so that their bouquets really stood out. So that the enormity of them and the greenery of them, because they were really just mostly greenery with like other flowers intertwined. So I wanted that to mimic in terms of his tie as well. And then also all the groomsmen had like a similar tie but they were just straight green. 

And then his like general outfit I wasn't as included in. And perhaps this was not the best moment of my relationship with my family at the time or my mother-in-law, perhaps. But there was one time when I was getting my hair practice done. He was off going to figure out his sport coat. And he sent me various options and I didn't really like the one that he had like chosen. And I felt like his mother was kind of pressuring him into that one and I didn't really like that. And the person who was like practice doing my hair was just like, ÒOkay, you seem very stressed at this point!Ó It was an accumulation of a lot of stress! 

But É but in the end, I actually really like the É like it was like a light gray color. And it really worked with our whole outfit. So I really should have just cooled down at that point and let the general stress and perhaps the control feeling that I had pass a little bit more. And in the end I really liked his outfit as well and I felt like we looked like pretty iconic together.

Lauren: I definitely know that feeling of wanting to let go and that's really tough. Why do you think women or people in general spend so much time trying to find their perfect dress? Their perfect outfit, their perfect, you know, whatever they're going to wear for that day? Why do you think it's such a cause of stress and anxiety, and also just the most important thing a lot of the time for some people.

Allison: I think that it's very much a cultural thing, but it kind of transcends cultures. Like I feel like most cultures have some sort of wedding ceremony and the outfit of those things is like very highly valued. 

I've always thought about life as like leading up to some sort of like climax. Leading up to some sort of like important moment where all of the people in your life are really surrounded around you. If that moment is really about you, then you kind of want to look your best. And there's this expectation too that you're presenting the best version of yourself at like the prime of your youth or whatever, depending on when you get married. But even so it's kind of the assumption, right, that this is you in your prime looking the best that you are at the time that you are. 

And I think that there's something that feels vain about that. And I think that there's something that doesn't feel vain, that kind of feels like you are putting your best self forward and you're kind of announcing to the world that you want to be your best self and that you're offering that to the world as well and to the people in your life saying that this is an important thing that you know, we don't dress in these dresses all the time because it's a bit too formal, it's a bit too much. 

And I feel like our culture has lost a lot of formality, a lot of you know, wearing hats, and like suit coats and all of those things in a way that we used to. I mean, even just in corporate culture, everything's a lot more casual. Certainly, like the way that we use language has turned a lot more casual. 

And I think that there's such a greatness about that as well, and what it adds to our culture. But I think there's something so enjoyable about having something formal. Having something that even if you're you know, feigning a lot of tradition there is some of that tradition that's within there. 

And I feel like I would have been really disappointed if I wore just like a sun dress or something like really chill or something like you know, nonchalant or whatever. It would just feel like ruining the moment that you know, you've been thinking about for a long time and it's really nice to just kind of relish in and enjoy in that time that it exists for you.

Lauren: Do you think that you would have É I mean, clearly the dress was important to you but more specifically the complete ensemble of the flowers and the head pieces and everything sort of like coming in and interlocking and becoming something beautiful. If you didn't have all of those pieces together, you know, if you had to walk down the aisle in something else do you think that would have changed your wedding?

Allison: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely I do, I think it would have. Not that the moment would have meant something different, but just that there's something about like donning those things that really puts you into that moment, really puts you into the element of the importance of this thing. That really makes you feel like that the moment is, you know, at this level, and that you're coming up to that level, and you're meeting that level.

I think that even you know, just in our regular lives as we're wearing clothes, you know, especially in our times of working at home, when we're like sitting in our like, nonsense PJ pants, and like, whatever our house bras are, you know, if we're wearing a house bra, there's something that doesn't feel as formal when you're like writing emails, and you're like signing it with like best regards, you feel a little fake about it. 

And something changes when you go into work. And then you know, maybe you have heels on and you kind of sound really commanding as you're walking through the hallways. And you've got like that really nice fitted pants on and you just feel really good. And you feel like a, like a boss even if you're not the boss. There's something really powerful about that experience. And even though it's so lovely to not have to, you know, wear real pants when I'm doing work, it does, I think affect how you feel about that experience, how you approach that experience. 

And I feel that, you know, it's so nice when you find clothes that you just feel really good about and that they make you feel a certain way. There's something just so enjoyable about that. Even if it's just for a certain thing, like what you're wearing to like go to a bonfire, you feel really good about the beanie that you're wearing. Like, whatever that moment is like meeting that moment. It just feels É it feels like you're like in a movie and in a really good way.

Lauren: We had a wonderful guest, a psychologist come on and exactly everything that you just said, thereÕs a name for it, and It's called enclothed cognition. And dressing is power. Getting dressed is powerful in both ways. You know, I'm in a big giant t-shirt right now and shorts. And that's powerful because I feel like I should be in bed right now! That's so powerful I should be in bed! But if I were in a suit jacket, and all of that, you know, it's É that's a different kind of power.

Allison: Right? I mean, I put on a sweater for this, even though I know no one listening to this will know what I've been looking like. I put my hair in like a little like head wrap just so that it looks a little like more presentable for the world. But I still have the leggings on underneath, like that I've been wearing all day long! All day long, so É

Lauren: Well it's that same concept of, if you leave a voicemail, if you smile it just sounds more pleasant. It's just, yeah, it's the way that you present yourself even if they can't see you. It changes the way your brain really processes it. So it's É yeah, it's a fascinating experience to think about. And I have one more question. Do you think in your opinion that a wedding should be considered the most important day or one of the most important days of your life?

Allison: That is a really good question. I feel like the answer to that is yes and no. And I think that there's a level where that day is really hyped up. And I think that sometimes that, you know, goes back to how we feel about women and the fact that you know, historically in certain languages like the word for woman was actually like wife for a really long time and not really even woman as its own entity -- always just like associated with men. 

And I don't really like that if I'm É if I'm honest, my, you know, go feminism! I would say that it's, I don't necessarily like that the pressure is there in that kind of a way that, like, you're only really becoming a person if you're getting married or all of those things. So in that way, you know, as a woman, I don't necessarily like how it is so important in that, you know, way of looking at it. 

But on the other side, I think that it is really good to have like a moment that is important and symbolizes what you really want to be accomplishing within your marriage. That that is like a demarcation. That it's not just, you know, you have two people, but now you're becoming one person. And that requires, I think, some pomp and circumstance. 

But I also think that that should be reflective of your own values. And I have no like judgment for people who go and like do elopements or, or even people who like go to a courthouse and do that. If that's what's important to you, if that reflects what your values are, then I think that that's a good way to start the marriage.

I do think that sometimes the pressure to spend so much money, like so, so, so much money on a wedding is like the worst É the worst possible way to start a wedding on another level, because you're starting with so much debt and starting with so much, you know, or just really in the red, in just not a great way. Like you're, you know, taking out all of your savings, or you're, you know, relying on your parents and another way that maybe you don't really want to do. Or maybe then there's this pressure and all of this family dysfunction comes out of all of this money being exchanged and all of those things. I think that that pressure is, is really stressful. 

Which is why for our own values, I felt like our wedding really fit our values where we had a very low budget. We did a lot of like DIY things. We just like have a lot of crafty people in our lives, who É you know, like my friend made our flower crowns, my sister-in-law made our bouquets, like, obviously, my É my friend's mom helped find my wedding dress. Like it was just great to have so many people who were able to pitch in and not everyone has that. But that was important to me that it wasn't so expensive and that we weren't, you know, starting on the wrong foot. 

And I think that a lot of the pressure, a lot of just the bridal culture, the bridal economy. Oh man! The bridal economy, and just all what Pinterest is, that really can devastate the start of a wedding. And I think that when you're getting married, it's a covenant and it's a contract with that other person. And I think that that needs to be a lot more focused on but, you know, as with everything in our culture, it ebbs and flows and is often fueled by capitalism. 

I think that as you're looking to, you know, develop your own wedding outfit that thinking about what aligns with your own values, as IÕve said. Because for me, like, when I look back at what I wore, and what my husband wore, I was like, ÒDang, we did good.Ó Like, we did so good and, and people remember, like what I wore for my wedding.

One time a stranger who was just like friends of friends of mine was just like, ÒI love what you wore on your wedding day!Ó And I was like, ÒThat's, that's crazy that you know!Ó But that's because, like it was it was notable, and it was beautiful and it was iconic. And that was all things that I cared about. So I think that at the end of the day, I'm thankful that I have no, no regurts or regrets as it were, about how it, how it all went down.