CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Meant To Be Yours
DURATION: 20:07

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren:  Well hi Ashley. So happy that you came to talk to us today. Could you just introduce yourself?

Ashley: My name is Ashley. I got married last year in August. My husband's name is Kevin. I am a grad student and also a teacher aide while I finish up my master's degree.  

Lauren:  I would love to just hear a little bit about how you got married and then focus in a little more on the dress. 

Ashley:  We decided to get married within basically a year. I was planning it while being a grad student working full time, but we split up the duties and I did all the design stuff and he did all the harder work I guess you could say. But we kept everything really simple. We kind of just let things happen. 

Lauren:  So you took on a lot of the design elements for the wedding. Could you elaborate a little bit more on those design elements? 

Ashley:  Yeah. I designed our save the date magnets and our invitations, the ceremony card, even the website that we had for RSVPing. We didn't want to send those out and have them be thrown away at the end of the day. I also kind of told the lady who was doing the flowers for the wedding ÒThis is how I want them but you have free range as long as they're these flowers.Ó The tables I told her ÒI want them simple but beautiful.Ó And same thing with the church. We only put one sunflower on each row going down the aisle. 

Lauren:  And then translating that into finding your dress, I assume that you had a designer's mind going into that. 

Ashley:  Yeah. As soon as I got engaged, I kind of started to look at dresses and I knew I wanted it to be flowy and have lace. Because we were getting married in August and August is really hot.  And I started to look online. My mom was there as well with the process of looking online, but we didn't want to get our hopes up for dresses that were going to be too expensive. 

I found one that kind of fit what I liked, where it was flowy and had lace. I had no idea where that dress was; it was just on some random website. And then I booked an appointment at a local bridal boutique and started looking on their website and kind of saw the same dress that I saw before. 

So when I went in December, I was there with my mom, my mother-in-law, my maid of honor, one of my bridesmaids É and as we were watching the lady bring the dresses into the dressing room, my maid of honor and I saw a dress and we're like, ÒOoh, that looks really pretty!Ó And it had lace on it. I tried on eight dresses that day and each one was different than the next. However it all fit within that flowy and lacy-like feel to it. 

The first dress É they put me in a ball gown just because they could. They knew it was not going to be an option for a farm wedding but they said every girl deserves to try on a ball gown. And it's true. I felt beautiful in this big dress that had pockets. I was so excited about pockets in a dress but it just wasn't what I really wanted. And that was that ÒlacyÓ feel to it.  

But each dress had that lace and there was some that were more tight than others. One dress that I did fall in love with showed more skin that I was comfortable with, but it turned out that it came down to two dresses and one was that dress that kind of showed more skin and I felt sexy in it but I didn't feel like myself. And the dress I did end up picking -- it's not an Empire but I believe it's like an A-line dress -- it spread out far, but then you could take it and clip it behind your butt, I guess so it's a shorter dress. 

And it was the lace. The pattern was just beautiful on it. It was my perfect dress É lace from top to bottom and there was even layers of lace so you got that different feel underneath it. And after I tried that dress on a second time, the lady helped me put on a cathedral veil so it was really long; the longest that you can have.

It was very plain on top but the entire bottom had another lace design. And looking at myself in the mirror with the two pieces I just knew that everything that I had on was me.

Lauren:  Jumping back to that dress that you saw online, all of a sudden it was ÒOh my gosh, the
dress from online.Ó That's the one that that was at the shop? 	

Ashley: Oh, yes. So looking back at photos that my maid of honor took, I realized that the dress I saw on the website, and the dress I saw on the bridal website and the dress I liked when the lady walked by happened to be the dress I picked. And it was just a moment where it was like, ÒWait, how did that happen?Ó 

And the dress ended up being at the right place and the right budget and it was just like, a surreal moment. Even my mother was like, ÒIt was meant to be yours.Ó My mother has always taught me that when something is supposed to be yours, itÕll be yours. And the way she looks at it is ÒIf it's you for you, you will have it.Ó 

Every choice I made after that kind of came easy. And she always said ÒItÕs supposed to be for you because it's easy to get and it shouldn't be a struggle if it's meant to be yours.Ó And to this day I still kind of think about that and realize that ... it was just like she knew somehow that that dress that I saw all those times ago was supposed to be for me. And even now, looking at our wedding photos, every choice my husband and I made and every choice my mom and I made on my dress and everything it was meant to be.

Lauren:   It's such a wonderful thing that your mom taught you and that you've sort of garnered 
from this experience. The way you talk about it you glow ... which is so, so lovely.	
 
Ashley: The lady who was altering my dress couldn't get over the lace and how intricate It was. And every time I went back to try it on it felt closer and closer to my wedding and it's just like ÒThis is me. I made the perfect choiceÓ É or the dress made the perfect choice. I don't know how you want to look at it, but it just felt perfect.

As the alterations were happening you could see the lace starting to actually now form to my body because it wasn't just a dress off the hanger. It was my dress. You could see the different pieces pop out more and more. And as I looked at it every time it was just like ÒWow!Ó I found a new piece to the dress each day. 

I still love looking at those photos that they took on my wedding day, and the photographers got up very close to the lace.

I had two people help me get into my dress because it had buttons that went all the way from the top of my back down to the bottom of my back. And I just remember as they were buttoning the buttons, looking in the mirror and just seeing it now kind of mold to me, and it became real that itÕs my wedding day and I get to wear this beautiful dress that I've been dying to wear for months.

Lauren: When you say it hit you and you realized, you know I get to wear this, what kind of word would describe your emotions?

Ashley: It felt surreal. I didn't think the day was going to happen; like it wouldnÕt come quick enough. And it almost felt like it was a dream. Everything seemed to just be like calm, and I felt beautiful in it. I felt like it was me. I felt confident. I'm not a person who likes to be in the spotlight but when I put it on I felt like I was ready to be in the spotlight for the whole day.

Lauren:  ThereÕs something special about the way you describe it and how that sort of led into this very open, calm, and peaceful wedding ceremony. 

Ashley:  When my husband and I were looking for places to have our wedding, we kind of found this farm. It's a beautiful farm and everything you eat there they grow, or another local farm will bring it. And we went to go see it. And they had two dates left in August. And we're like, ÒOkay, weÕll take one of them.Ó 

We get a call saying ÒThat date is takenÓ and we're like, ÒOh, oh no!Ó So we're like ÒAlright, can we have the other date then?Ó And we quickly went and we paid the money so that it was our date. And we got the last date at the very last minute. And again, went back to my mom's ÒIt was meant to be yours. That date that you originally wanted wasn't supposed to be for you.Ó

And as we were going through booking places we had some family kind of say like, ÒI have a family member who told me about a DJ that she uses.Ó So we used the DJ. And my mother's cousin took our engagement photos. So we kind of used all these people around us, who said, ÒWe'll help you out.Ó And it just became easy. 

And we wanted everything to be easy for ourselves and for those in our wedding party because we had people who themselves were getting married the following year as well. I had friends in grad school themselves, working full time. So we didn't want to stress anybody else out with our own plans, and we didn't want to be stressed out.

So as we were picking everything and when certain vendors were too expensive, we're like, ÒIt shouldn't be this expensive.Ó So then it came back to ÒIf they're meant to be your vendors then they'll have the right price.Ó Even picking the flowers and where I was going to have my cake made, everything just kind of again fell into place without really trying and it worked. And it worked really well.

The cake was supposed to be made by one of our local coffee shops where my mom lives. When she thought she couldn't make it, she went out quickly and found someone who could make for us and gave them the exact recipe to make it for us the way that I and my husband wanted. And so the woman made it for us exactly like we wanted. 

And our photographer was fantastic. And every time we're like ÒI have these semi-ideas, but however you want to do it, I'm okay with.Ó Everything just kind of came together. 

Lauren:  I feel like if people who plan on getting married had this mentality weddings would be way less complicated. It would mean weddings were not on the top five stressful events of life. 

Ashley: Yeah. Planning a wedding is definitely stressful because you have people telling you what to do and how to do things. I know my brother would kill me if I said this É but as we were planning our wedding, my brother kept saying you need to have meat on your menu. IÕm a pescatarian and at the time my husband was as well. And after our tasting, we went up to my brother, and we told him the menu is vegan. And we went on with this joke all the way up until the day of the wedding when they brought out pork sliders. And he came running up to us and was like ÒYou guys have meat!Ó And we still laugh about it to this day!

Lauren:  It's almost like you came into the process with one piece of knowledge from your mom, which was ÒThings will come to you.Ó And then you walked out with ÒIf you speak your mind things will also come to youÓ because you're not pretending, you're not putting up a front, youÕre not being bowled over by other people's opinions, but you need to stick up for yourself because a lot of people say, ÒOh, it's all about the bride. It's all about the groom.Ó But in so many weddings, it turns into, it's not about them at all. But it turns into, ÒIt's about the family. It's about everyone else surrounding the couple.Ó And it sounds like you didn't let that happen to you, which is really good. And you walked out of your wedding saying, this is about me and my husband and our future. It's not about anyone else. But you did it with grace and kindness.

Ashley: Yes. It took practice to get there but it it's definitely something that if you can learn to do as you're doing, like going through the process to do it and to always remember that things shouldn't be hard to reach when they're meant for you.

Lauren:  So, I'm curious. Was your husband hand delivered to you like your dress was?

Ashley: We met when I was still in my undergrad. And he was working at the gym I would go to. And we would just say hi to each other. And we talked about track and cross country because I'm a big runner and he is a big runner as well. So we kind of just talked about that. 

And as I went back to school to finish up my last year of college, he kind of disappeared as well from the gym. Turns out, he went back to grad school and was starting his second master's program. And randomly one day I decided to go to the gym on a day and time that I never did, and he was there again. And this time, he wasn't working. He was just working out. 

How he asked for my phone number was, ÒDo you want to join my Spartan team?Ó And we run Spartan races together, and that's kind of how we met, and his pickup line essentially worked. And ever since then we have been inseparable. 

But as we started to date, I kind of kept pushing him off. And it was partly for two reasons. He wasn't the typical guy I probably would have dated, because he has a piercing and he has tattoos. And that's something that I never thought I would like in a person, at least to date. But as I kept talking to him more and more and realizing we have a lot in common, I kind of fell for him more and more as we were talking. 

And I cancelled three dates on him. And that was because my grandmother was actually sick. He will tell you that that's a lie. I didn't want to date him. But I think after kind of saying no to him three times, or canceling a date on him three times made me fall more and more for him. And it kind of went back to ÒIf he's meant to be the person you're supposed to see heÕll wait or he'll keep asking you out until you say yes.Ó And that's kind of what happened. And here we are now married almost a year.

Lauren:  And I'm also curious about your background beyond just your history with your husband and your dress and your wedding. It seems like a lot of the undertones of your thoughts and the way that you think about the process of a wedding and the process of meeting people and all of that sort of have a religious tie. Could you speak to that? Is there a religious tie there? 

Ashley:  There is. I went to private Catholic school my whole life. My mom is very religious. And I learned from her and from the years of schooling that you always have to have your ceremony in a church. It has to be by a priest. And that's the way it kind of has to be. 

So I wanted that. It was something that I expressed right away to my husband when we started to talk about getting married. And I didn't know how the process of getting married in the church was until I had to actually go through the process. And it was a very difficult process. 

I was baptized at one church, I had communion at another church and I belong to another one. So it's like, I had to contact all these different churches to get all the paperwork. And one church didn't have the paperwork. It was lost. And the priest who was supposed to marry us wouldn't marry us unless I had the paperwork. And we went through this eight-hour class that everyone has to do to get married in the Catholic church. 

And I kind of kept pushing and like, ÒAlright, I have this and I have all the other paperwork. Maybe he'll overlook that last one that I don't have. I can't help that I don't have it.Ó And it got to the point where I was stressing out because my mother was stressing out. And I talked to a priest. He told me ÒIf he won't do it because of a paper that was lost all those years ago but we know you have your other sacraments and everything, come back when the priest has left to get married in the church.Ó 

And I was okay with that, because I was tired of trying. But I know my mother was not. And I tried one more time. And it of course worked. They somehow magically found the paperwork and we were allowed to be married in the church. And I remember my mom telling me ÒSee? I told you it would happen.Ó And I was just like ÒYou're right. Of course youÕre right. It's meant to be so it happened.Ó

Lauren:  Your entire wedding and entire process of everything is just ÒIt's gonna come to you. You just have to stick with it and believe that you're going to get it and you will. And if you don't there's something else waiting for you.Ó 

My mom has a saying that she has said my entire life. God has three answers to questions and yearnings. The first is ÒYes.Ó The second is ÒNot now.Ó And the third is ÒI have something better.Ó So that's something I feel like truly shines through what you've told us throughout this entire podcast. And I'm sure your husband would say that he was the something better so É

Ashley: Oh 100 percent!

Lauren:  Well thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And is there anything else you want to share before we sort of wrap up?

Ashley: Um, I guess don't stress out about your wedding. If you're planning your wedding and you're listening to don't stress out. You will be fine. Things will come to you if they're meant to be and just have fun on your wedding day. And take three moments with your husband or your wife or whoever you're getting married to and look at everything around you three times and just take it in because that day really does go by quick.

You will have small memories, but my biggest memories are just seeing specific family members that I took those few seconds to just look around me.