CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: White Gown, Blue Suit
DURATION: 23:04

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: We are so happy to have April Stephens with us today. In her blog Stories of Our Boys April shares parenting stories crafted to help make you laugh and encourage others in their walk with God. She has a degree in psychology from the University of Alabama, and recently published Tour Israel in Pictures and Stories, a book filled with over 275 photos chronicling her visit to Israel. Welcome, April! We're so happy to have you! Thank you for being here.

April: Hi, thank you for having me!

Lauren: To start us off, I know that you write your blog, and you have a blog post specifically about your fascination with wedding dresses. And I would love to know a little bit about that. 

April: Well, they're beautiful. And they make you feel beautiful when you wear them. And I love them. And even to this day, if I'm driving by a bridal shop, I want to go in there and try on all the dresses!

Lauren: Could you tell me a little bit about the process of finding your own?

April: Finding my own? Yes! I went several different times and I had a very short window to pick a dress because we got engaged in March. And then I met with my guidance counselor and found out that I could actually graduate in December. Yeah, I guess originally, we were going to do it in May of the next year. Anyway, I found that I could graduate early and we just we moved it to December. 

And then he was like, ÒWait, I have this training and this trainingÓ and when you're in the Army you plan it around. So long story short, we had a five-month engagement. So by the time I'm shopping for dresses it had to be one that I could find in the store and then alter to fit. 

So anyway, I went a few times with my friends. Well, I went one time with my friends, just my friends. And that was so fun, we tried on so many dresses! But I really knew I couldn't pick one that day because my mom wasn't there. So I went again with my mom and my maid of honor. That was a really special fun day. 

Lauren: Can you tell me a little bit about when you found the one? What was running through your brain? What É obviously it was important for your mom to be there; you couldn't choose without her. Could you tell me about that moment?

April: Well my mom is great! So we have a good relationship. So that was why I really, you know, wanted her to be there. Plus, she was paying for the dress. And um, we were being very practical about the whole thing. I had a budget and I had to stay under it. 

But when we found the one it was É it was just É it was perfect! It was so perfect! It didn't even need that much altering. But it was everything I wanted it to be! It had a chiffon overlay, you know, it was a princess-like dress that made me feel just beautiful, and it was flattering to my figure. And it was É it was just so perfect! And plus my mom and Katie were both there so that was really neat.

Lauren: Can you tell me what feeling like a bride means to you personally?

April: So it's one of the biggest days of your life! You're committing yourself to this other person and I took that very seriously. We've seen plenty of people in the family get divorces and it's a painful thing, so I did not want this to happen to me. I was very careful about who I chose. And I just, you know, so I viewed it so seriously.

Being a bride É it's just such an important moment. You're committing yourself and everyone's looking at you. All eyes are on you. ItÕs your big day. So yes. You know, for me, it was about making this commitment, but also feeling like the best version of myself É a beautiful version of myself.

Lauren: Absolutely! And I think this is such a transitional moment in everyone's life when they get married. And you want to be the best version of yourself for that transition. 

April: Yeah. 

Lauren: And I know, based on your blog that you are in a military family. So could you tell me a little bit about that, and how that aspect sort of played maybe into what your husband wore that day?

April: Yes. And I had no idea what I was getting into! I mean, [I was] 20, 21, which I mean É when I É I knew I É I had known that he was in É this was 2002. 911 had just happened. It was very fresh in everyone's minds. And we had left years of peace, like years! A decade where the military was mostly just training at home. 

And all of a sudden the troops are going to Afghanistan, you know that É there É this was a big deal. But I still didn't really  É like never like I didn't realize, well, I'm signing up to live by myself for years in places I've never been before! But um, yeah!

So Alan wore his Army officers uniform, which was perfect. And he was a brand new Second Lieutenant. I mean, there was hardly anything on that uniform. He had just been commissioned. He had not left yet. He had been to some training É he had done a little job in the state of Washington and that was it. And then he was headed off to more training as soon as we got married. 

We got married, we had our honeymoon, and then he was off to more training. And I finished college for a semester. It's kind of crazy!

Lauren: Emotionally how was that for you? That sounds like a really difficult thing to do. My cousin who was also in the Army, he left while my, his wife to be was pregnant. So I know that those things are really difficult. So I wonder after getting married him leaving, emotionally how was that for you?

April: That was rough. If I had been pregnant, that would have been rougher! But that does happen to military couples a lot. That was hard. I was É and I was taking 21 hours of classes. I had pretty much finished most of them so it was really 18 hours, I was taking 18 hours.

And I was the married RA. You know, it made me not fit in at all at college anymore. So I was in a freshman dorm but I was the Residence Assistant, which is what I've always done to pay for my dorm. But yeah. Then what's funny is that right after the training they sent him to Iraq. So it got way harder! 

But that was so like a real kickoff into the army life that I was going to be experiencing for the first ten years. Once the war on terrorism winded down, it calmed down a lot. 

Lauren: When you É when you wear clothing, you sometimes it makes you step into a role or helps you step into a role. And I wonder if what you wore for your wedding day in any way emotionally empowered you or helped you make that transition, albeit maybe you didn't know what kind of life you were heading into because no one knows. 

April: Yeah. 

Lauren: Did that assist you in any way? Or did it help you feel empowered moving forward?

April: I know that it was a happy day and that I was really proud of my dress. I really was. It was É it had pretty beading, you know, I loved it! But after the wedding, you know how you change into like you're leaving clothes that you wear to leave to go to the honeymoon? I changed into a little blue business suit. And I think that that was more suited to where I was headed! 

And I'm looking back É I saw the pictures the day before this podcast. And I was like, ÒWhat a perfect little outfit for the life that I was heading into!Ó So I think that that definitely echoed the era!

Lauren: Do you think then if the suit was your sort of transition, even if you didn't know it É 

April: Yeah.

Lauren: É what do you think your wedding gown told about you story-wise, or transition-wise?

April: I think that I was very feminine. I was very girly. I was very feminine. I still am. But it's funny, because I have four boys. I don't have any girls. I only had girl names picked out. And I have four boys, which I love. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's fantastic! You know, it's great. But it's humorous. But I was! I was very girly. And this was just, you know, I don't think anyone expected to see me and anything else besides this big princess dress!

Lauren: I know that you studied psychology. So I want to know, what do you think É obviously, everyone has a different opinion about themselves, but what do you think is the psychology behind the choices that you make when you put on, whether it's a wedding outfit, a blue suit, your everyday clothing? Do you have an idea of the psychology behind why we choose what we choose? when we when we will step out of the house?

April: We seem to some of us have to have different reasons for choosing what we choose. But I know I É well for one thing, it is a statement of what we're telling other people about ourselves. And sometimes we forget that and we get lazy. And then we're sending the wrong statement. Not what we meant to tell everybody! Or we're running late and trying to get the kids in the car and it's just a mess!

But um, I think for one thing, it's a statement about ourselves to the outside world. For another thing, it's an outlet for creativity and expression. I know so many of my Facebook Live videos I've done for my blog have been Stitch Fix unboxing because I love clothes and I love pretty clothes. And the most horrified I ever was with a box that I got was when they sent me three gray sweaters in one box. And I was like ÒWho would wear this much gray?Ó 

But I think that it is it is an expression of our personality and what we then how we feel, although sometimes you know I use bright colors to make myself feel better.

Lauren: We had a psychologist Emily vanSonnenberg who talked about the concept of enclothed cognition. And I think it really goes well with what you just said which is when you put on a piece of clothing, it can help you feel a certain way or feel empowered. 

April: Yes!

Lauren: And I think there's also a whole psychology behind color as well. Bright colors can change your mood, whether it's green or yellow or red. You know, what you want to share with the world but also how you want to share yourself, how you're feeling, with the world.

April: Yes.

Lauren: Clearly you're someone who enjoys clothes, and you're talking about that. What kind of help would you give or advice do you give to people who are making those decisions so that they reflect themselves the most?

April: You know, when I went with friends to pick out wedding dresses, which was only a couple of times, only a couple of friends because I moved to Texas as soon as I got married. In the years when my friends were getting married I was in Texas É I was far away. My they were all in Alabama, I was in Texas. 

But I did get to go with a couple. And I was just É it was É for me, it was always like, ÒHow does this dress make you feel? Is this your favorite? Do you love it? Do you see yourself wearing this on your wedding day?Ó Cuz I think that was the most important part, the mental aspect of it. And no one else can know that except for the person wearing the dress.

Lauren: Did you ever have anyone telling you throughout your process, or have you ever witnessed someone trying to influence someone picking their wedding outfit in a way that maybe contradicted what they wanted? What the bride wanted?

April: I'm really glad that I didn't go with anyone like that! I know that that is very common. I used to watch Say Yes to the Dress pretty frequently and I've seen that on there for sure. But yeah, you got to tune those noises out because at the end of the day, you're the one wearing the dress. And so it's got to be something you love, or you'll just be disappointed. Then that's what you're wearing. Such a big day, you know? 

Lauren: Absolutely. It's hard. It's hard to imagine not having the thing that you feel the most confident in for that day. 

April: Right!

Lauren: I also want to know a little bit about, you know É you talked about asking the questions of ÒHow do you feel? Does this feel right? Does it feel like a thing you want?Ó Do you think that there were any out outward emotions that typically É like or that ÒAhaÓ moment? Or that say Yes to the Dress moment where you realize É and have you have witnessed other people have that or have you personally ever when you had your wedding dress? Was it an ÒAhaÓ moment or did you really need to think about it first?

April: It was an ÒAhaÓ moment. There was one other dress that would have been perfect. It was in Birmingham. But like I said my before my mom wasn't there that day. But that was a beautiful dress also. 

But um É yeah, it was it was an ÒAhaÓ moment. Because there was nothing like and as far as, like outside factors. I can't really think of any except that the people that I wanted to be there when I picked the dress were there and that helped a lot.

Lauren: When I found my dress, I had gone same as you, you know, tried on every dress in the store kind of situation. And when I finally did find my dress, it was just me and my mom. No one else. I had gone probably about 7, 8, 9, 10 times!

April:  Yeah!

Lauren: And at the end of the day, you know, it was just me and my mom in a shop. And we had an emotional moment where É

April: Yeah, it is hard for me to remember because it was 20 É was it 20 years ago? It was close. It was like 19 years ago!

Lauren: Did you did you have any emotional reaction beyond just Òthis is the oneÓ? Was it overwhelming? Or was it more of a sense of I found it and now I feel good?

April: I think it was this problem is resolved. Done! And I love taking checkmarks on a list, you know? So this was a checkmark!

Lauren:  It's almost relief!

April:  Yes, yes! 

Lauren: Okay! One thing that I feel confident and comfortable moving forward with!

April: Yes!

Lauren: Do you still have your dress?

April:  So in 2000, and I think 16 my parentsÕ house burned. And when their house burned, my mom and I both lost our wedding dresses. And I didn't É like it didn't click with me at first when they called until when the house burned. Of course, you know, I'm just thinking are my parents are okay? You know, like, is it a total loss? It was a total loss. 

But they went back later and they tried to clean some things out. And she called me. And she was on the phone, and she said ÒWhat do you want me to do with your wedding dress?Ó She was like, ÒYeah, your É your wedding dress. [I said] ÒI didn't think about my wedding dress. It was in there? And she was like ÒWell, I mean, of course, it was in there.Ó 

And like, I'm trying to be so careful. Because my mom has lost everything. She's lost everything she owns. She's lost the place she calls home for like, almost my entire childhood. This was their home. And so I'm like, ÒOkay. Perspective, perspective. IÕm like ÒOkay, Alan what should I do about my wedding dress?Ó 

And he's like, ÒChunk it.Ó So harsh right? Men do not like É he did not get it! I'm just like, ÒI'm not gonna say that.Ó

It's just like, well, you know, and I had to, I had to in that moment, just think it over. And then I had to be like ÒHow badly damaged is it?Ó And she was like, ÒWell, it's damaged. I don't know if we could get them to work on it or ÉÓ And I was like, they were already having to sift through all this stuff. And some stuff was just going straight in É most stuff was going in the dumpster. And some of it they were getting ozone cleaned. She had so much to deal with. 

So I was like, ÒIt's okay.Ó But I didn't say ÒChunk it.Ó I said, ÒWe can let it go.Ó You know, like, there's a way of saying things. And after I explained that to him, he was like, ÒOh, I'm so sorry.Ó But yeah É

Lauren: That's so devastating! 

April: I know, I know! But it was just a dress, I still have my marriage. So that's what matters.

Lauren: That's the optimistic and positive way to look at it. And the photos and you still have a memory of it. It's not completely gone. 

April: Right!

Lauren: I almost feel like you should have had like, a ceremony or a burial.

April: Right!

Lauren: Or a memorial!

April: You know, well, I did say when I went back and read what I wrote about this today. And I did say ÒMy wedding dress died.Ó I was like, ÒYes, it died.Ó You can't say that about most things. But about a wedding dress you can!

Lauren: Well, you know, we had a we had an episode with Michael Kass. I think that really ties into what we're talking about here. The reason I'm bringing it up is wedding dresses and clothing in general, they have their own story. They have their own life because there's the person who designed it in the first place. So breathed, you know, an image of it into reality. And then you have the seamstress who took their time to make it and create it. And then there's the person who purchases it and gives it their own É it has its own sort of life cycle. 

April: Yeah, it does.

Lauren: I think your wedding dress 100% deserves to be declared, you know, not alive!

April: Yes!

Lauren: And remembered as such! Remembered for the life and the end the joy that it brought for you!

April: Yes, it had a good life.

Lauren: So jumping off a little bit from that being trying to lighten it a little bit is could you tell me a little bit about your book?

April: Oh, yes! So in 2017 I got to go on this really big trip to Israel that I was so excited about. I never saw it coming. I never planned to go to Israel. Most people when they have a trip, they plan it, it's a big deal. I have been stuck in this like mom role for 15 years now at this point, 13 when I went. But I thought, this is my É I can't go anywhere, I have these four kids, you know, like they need me. 

So I was just always É I was in this frame of mind that I couldn't go anywhere you know what I mean? Especially after COVID I think people could probably relate to that frame of mind. I can't go anywhere. But I was just kind of in that mom frame of mind. 

So Alan calls me up and says, ÒHey, what if you went to Israel with me?Ó because he was already playing to go for work. But I wasn't planning to go, I was going to stay home with the kids like I always do. And he was like, ÒWhy don't you come with me?Ó

I was like, ÒWhat are you talking about? I can't go with you. I have humongous responsibilities. The kids, itÕs the first week of summer, they have all these camps. I can't. No.Ó 

And so he, he was like, ÒWell, you know, actually, you kind of could because it's summer, and our parents could watch the kids. And you could go.Ó 

I was like, ÒMy passport is long expired.Ó 

ÒYou can get a new one. You can go down there ÉÓ because we weren't that far from Atlanta at the time. Ò É you can go to downtown Atlanta and get one just like real fast.Ó And you can! If you go to the passport office with a quick trip É 

The point is, I didn't expect to go. And that's why it was so monumental, because this trip was É not only was getting to see Israel and the Holy Land and get to see all of these ancient sites. But also, if it's like, this freedom trip. Like I can go places! I can leave for short periods, you know, and there are other people who can help me.

And it was just so exciting! And so I got to stand on the Mount of Olives, and take pictures of Jerusalem and see where, you know, Mary and Joseph walked and all of this stuff! It was just amazing! 

So I wrote a book about that book about that experience, and it has tons of pictures of what Israel actually looks like. Because I know before I went, I didn't really have an idea of what that looked like. 

Lauren: It sounds like a dream!

April: It was wonderful! It was wonderful! I can't wait to go again one day!

Lauren: If people are interested in reading your blog or finding your book, can you tell me where they can find you?

April: The easiest way is just to go straight to my website, StoriesOfOurBoys.com. And thatÕs spelled just like you would expect it to be spelled, stories of our boys dot com. And the way I like about it is that it also says stories-o-four-boys, like so when you read it, it looks É because you can see four boys in that, because I have four boys. 

And I realized when I made that was like ÒWait a minute, if I ever have a fifth kid IÕm just gonna have to scrap it and start over!Ó But I never have. But yeah, storiesofourboys.com. And then my book is also sold on Amazon.

Lauren: Amazing! So is there anything else that we haven't talked about that something maybe like a topic or an element of your story that we haven't touched on that you want to share?

April: I would just say that the wedding itself is such a beautiful and honored tradition but in the long run, it is the marriage that matters. And in the military. So many military wives never have a wedding or if they do it's a very rushed affair. So it's what I'm kind of used to being around a lot. But that's okay, they can still have wonderful long-lasting marriages. And that's what that's what really matters. Is the É the marriage itself.