CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Stepping Into My Freedom
DURATION: 26:00

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Lexi thank you so much for joining us today. IÕm so happy to have you and excited to hear about your story. So tell me, what is your wedding outfit story?

Lexi: Lauren thank you so much for having me on today. This is really great. IÕm really glad to be a part of this and É it was really funny. When I was taking the survey I instantly started thinking about how it felt when Josh and I got engaged. And I started to think about, you know, what we really wanted. 

And the very first thing that we were going to do was go to the courthouse and just get married. And I wasnÕt going to have an outfit. I wasnÕt going to have him have an outfit. We weÕre going to have people there É we were just going to get married. 

My parents didnÕt know we were getting engaged. Nobody knew. But we joke around because of how quickly it moved. We met each other on Halloween, had our first date a week later, and by the end of November we already had a ring.

And the ring was awful.

It was É it was AWFUL!

We ordered it online, and IÕm telling you É it was a gorgeous ring online but when we got it, it was yellow. It was such a dirty diamond. It was awful! 

And IÕll never forget because I felt so badly because I know Josh was so excited and he came over to my house for what would have been our actual bona fide second date. Like the second time that we took our relationship on dry land, if you will and he brought the ring over to show me. And I opened it up and I was really trying to not show my reaction on my face, which as you know is very difficult for me. 

So, of course, there was just like shock and awe! And I was É I started to cry! But it wasnÕt crying with happiness, it was crying with sadness just thinking that this was going to be my ring forever. But thatÕs just a little back story. So we had already planned to get married prior to thinking about any of the dress or the wedding ceremony or anything. 

So, in the months to come we went to a jeweler, returned the awful ring, and started to really think about what we wanted. And it started off with maybe we wanted twenty people, and, you know, weÕll try to think about who our closest friends are. And one day I came home from work and I just looked at him and I said ÒListen, there are a lot of people É not a ton of people É but there are some core people in my life that have been with me for a really long time. And theyÕve seen me go throughÓ É IÕm going to cry É Òa lot. And É and I think that É seeing É us together and seeing the happiness that I have now with you would be really special for them to share with us.Ó

So we agreed that we would try to have some sort of small ceremony and the number just kind of stayed really small. And one of the places that we loved was this winery and we decided that it was important to us to make it extremely intimate. And to make it moreso a day where everybody that we really truly loved was together fellowshipping and having a wonderful afternoon and we just happened to get married that day. 

Another reason why we wanted it this way, which I thought was so funny especially for me being a public speaker, is I didnÕt want the attention on me for such a long time. Walking down the aisle, and having people focused on me in the front of a church or something like that. It was, it was very nerve-wracking for me. So that was another component of it. 

And as that started to shape É as we started to really nail down what it was that we were looking for as a couple for how our journey of marriage was going to start, it really dictated what my outfit was going to look like because I wanted my outfit to mirror the feeling that I wanted to have evident in that day. 

And I really wanted it to be elegant but very casual. Comfortable. I didnÕt want to feel stuffy .... uncomfortable É I just really wanted to keep it just very intimate and casual. So that was really the first part of, of even shaping what I wanted it to be. And, of course for Josh early on we very quickly decided that he was just going to wear just a basic suit. He wasnÕt even going to be buying a suit; we were going to rent it. Just get a very nice looking suit that fit him well to also mirror that kind of a casual atmosphere. So thatÕs really how it kind of started.

Lauren: So how did you end up finding the most casual yet suitable dress for your wedding?

Lexi: IÕm not big on going into a store and trying on dresses. I donÕt enjoy that process too much. So I do typically order things online, try them on and ship them back if they donÕt work. So I started to fact find and look around and ask some friends on some interesting dress companies and I came across a couple of them. 

One of them I tried, I think it was LuluÕs, which was great but I ordered I think about eight dresses from them on about four different occasions and three of them I forgot to return before the time was up, so I ended up paying like $600 more for my wedding dress than I would have actually spent, which is crazy because I didnÕt get them back on time! 

And then I É gosh there were so many different places I ordered from. I ordered a bunch of dresses from them. None of them worked. And when I say none of them worked, some of them didnÕt fit but some of them just didnÕt really speak to the mood. They were a little bit too whimsical for me. I like things that are a little bit more classic with a touch of whimsical, which was very important for me, especially with the environment that we were trying to create. 

And on a whim, I just decided one day to start looking at big box department stores like MacyÕs and Lord & Taylor and things like that. And I found the perfect dress. As soon as I saw it, as soon as it came on the screen I knew that it was the dress. It was exactly what I wanted. It had just a little bit of whimsy with a big white skirt with big blue flowers on them and a navy blue halter top on the top É and it was just perfect.  And I ordered it and it fit perfectly and I just knew it was the one instantaneously. And of course when I tried it on for my mom we both cried hysterically and couldnÕt believe that this was happening and we knew that was the dress. So yeah.

Lauren: Considering the time weÕre living in right now, you were sort of ahead of the curve because itÕs clear that a lot of the shopping going forward will be online. You were used to online shopping, but was there any hesitation because this was a bigger and slightly more important purchase?

Lexi: OK so thereÕs two things I want to say about that. First of all, what you said É was there any hesitation É it was interesting because of the fact that we were creating this relaxing environment surrounding our wedding. And even just ordering a dress from Lord & Taylor, which was so just common for me to do, I had no nervousness É I was just perfectly calm the whole time. 

In fact, I did what I would typically do. I ordered two different sizes just to make sure that one of them would fit. I held on to them until the wedding day and shipped the other one back after we got married. 

As far as being uncomfortable and nervous about it, IÕll tell you what I was nervous about. After the first two times of trying different companies and not having success, the time crunch started to make me nervous because Josh and I met in October on Halloween. We were engaged by February and married by May so the timeline was extremely structured. I had really regimented what I had to have done and when, and that did make me a bit nervous. But other than that, no. The environment we were creating around the wedding really kept my headspace in that relaxed mode. It was good. 

Lauren: The statistics that weÕre gathering from our wedding survey from our website is that about 65% of us only take a month or less to choose a wedding outfit. Which is mind boggling to me because I spent quite a bit more time than that. ThereÕs just a handful of people who chose six months to a year, and youÕre really an outlier if you take longer. So it begs the question, if you had had more time would you have done anything differently?

Lexi: ThatÕs a good question. If I had more time I probably would have taken advantage of going to some bridal boutiques. Maybe trying on some different dresses and seeing you know, more of what I might have enjoyed to wear. At one point I was even considering ordering something from DavidÕs Bridal, but because of my time crunch and not being able to return a dress to DavidÕs Bridal, that just ruled that out right away. 

We were also extremely budgeted. And I joke around that I actually spent more money on shipping dresses back than I did on my actual gown. My gown itself was on clearance, so it turned out that it was vastly cheaper than my experience of even trying to get things back on time. 

Lauren:  You said earlier that you wanted your outfit to mirror the relaxed but elegant feeling of your ceremony. Did you have any specific vision of your dress, and did your vision match the reality?

Lexi: Yes. I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that it absolutely did. I knew as soon as I put it on that that was the wedding dress that I was going to walk to my husband in a winery on a cool, and what turned out to be rainy May day and say my vows to him. I knew it instantly. Instantaneously.

Lauren: Do you think people still believe there is a perfect dress for every bride or a perfect outfit for every groom?

Lexi: I would say that before I was married my answer to that question would be yes. After going through the process my answer would be ÒpossiblyÓ only because with our situation having such É that restriction of time, I had reached the point after sending back so many dresses that I was really just saying ÒI just need to find something thatÕs good enough.Ó 

And for a bride-to-be thatÕs kind of sad, you know, because itÕs a really important day and, and I É Josh and I spoke about it and I just kind of came to terms with the fact that what was truly important to me was our marriage and our union together as opposed to the wedding day. So I was OK with that but then when I found that É of course as soon as I said that, like a day or two later was when I found my dress. And as soon as I saw it I knew exactly what it was. 

I had been describing it to people. Like I wanted something that was a darker solid color up top with just a big white ballgown skirt but I didnÕt want it to be bridal. I wanted it to be formal moreso. So yes, of course as soon as I gave up I found what I wanted. But I do think that it is possible and I think itÕs also very important. And I think people feel better about that day if what they have on is creating the atmosphere that they want. 

You know, IÕve been to formal affairs, black tie affairs where, I mean, the bride looked absolutely stunning, the groom looked 100% handsome, just absolutely out of this world É and I got it. It made sense to me because they created this whole É itÕs not a show but ItÕs like a complete package of the day from beginning to end and I think the outfit really speaks to that. I think that the psychology behind it is that youÕre choosing an outfit thatÕs going to fit into the day.

Cause if you think about it, my dress would never fit. I could wear my dress to a black tie wedding but I could never walk down the aisle. And I donÕt think a bride would necessarily choose that. Could they choose that? Yeah of course, they absolutely could. But I really feel like the outfit, the psychology behind the outfit really dictates the feeling of what the bride and the groom or the bride and the bride or the groom and the groom really want for their day.

Lauren: So how did you feel that day when you put the dress on?

Lexi: Oh goodness gracious É OK. How did I feel that day? It was such a rushed day. Everything happened so quickly, but when I put on my dress I remember reaching my arms up and my mom putting my dress over my shoulders and I felt like a bride for the very first time. 

I almost felt like I was too old to wear a bridal gown. And I felt that my choice exhibited, for me, psychologically, moreso where I was in my life. And that was just that I just wanted to get married and start my life with my husband. So the emphasis wasnÕt really on the wedding. It was moreso on the marriage, if that makes sense. But when I first put on my dress it felt perfect. Even more perfect than it did when I was trying it on. 

There was a lot of chaos. We had to set up the venue. I had an hour to do it and then I had an hour to get ready. So I had to set up, run back to my parentsÕ house, get dressed, and I can remember feeling the feeling when I put the dress over my head of just ÒWow, this is really happening. ItÕs about to happen. IÕm about to do this.Ó And it felt so real for the very first time. 

And I was in love with my dress. I wish that I could wear it every single day, honestly, because I felt so incredibly beautiful in it. I felt like it fit me perfectly and I think the look on JoshÕs face when he first saw me in it was the best thing I could have ever, ever, ever had. 

And he saw me in my dress before we were married. I know É I know. I tried it on for him before and I will never forget the look on his face. I know we should not have done that but we did. 

Lauren: What made you decide to do that?

Lexi: Well, this is gonna get a little bit deep with my answer but this is the true reason why. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship prior to him for a very long time. Probably about 10 years. And as a result of the break up I, you know, he was very abusive about my weight to just put it mildly and simplistically. And after we separated, I started to gain weight because I was eating normally and taking care of my body the way that I should. 

And I was insecure about how I looked in things. And it was important to me that I looked beautiful. And I was starting to have a bit of an issue with how I was seeing myself in the mirror. And I knew that Josh would be honest with me. And I always felt that my mom just tells me that I look beautiful in everything because itÕs my mom. 

And so, I remember, itÕs funny when you said to me ÒHow did you feel when you first put your dress on?Ó When I first put my dress on for Josh I remember that same feeling as my arms were up in the air and the dress went down and it went over my face and I saw his face for the first time, and the look on his face, I was É I just knew. That was it.

And he helped me get dressed. He was in there with me and my mom helping me get dressed on my wedding day. So I donÕt know É it just kind of speaks to the kind of couple that we are. WeÕre just very much that way. We donÕt conform to traditions. We donÕt conform to what people expect or what people think you should do. Even with us being an interracial couple É that, I think, speaks to that as well. But yeah, we definitely broke a lot of rules with that one.

Lauren: ItÕs interesting because youÕre such a faith-based couple. You come from very strong church-going families. So IÕm interested to know if you had any push back for your Òlaid back casualÓ approach because you know ÒOur children are getting married! TheyÕre not getting married in a church?Ó

Lexi: No actually I didnÕt. It was strange how everything kind of worked out. My pastor that I had as a child retired very shortly before Josh and I got married and moved with his wife to Florida. And Josh and I were not in the position to fly him and his wife up. So I thought it would be really appropriate to have my brother marry us. And to have him, who I grew up with in the church É heÕs not really even my real brother but weÕve grown up together so we call each other brother and sister. 

I knew and trusted that he would still create that faith-based environment and tone in the service that he created. And he did just that. It was wonderful. We met with him several times prior to the wedding and, and he really catered it to what we wanted, which was great! And so because of that I didnÕt get any push back. 

But you know whatÕs really funny? I never had any pressure from my mom or my dad for anything. I never had any pressure from them for getting married, never had any pressure from them for having children, never had any pressure for having a church wedding. It was really just, they just wanted me to be happy, and they wanted to see me with someone who sacrificially loved me. That was what was most important to them.

Lauren: ThatÕs so beautiful. So what were the best things and what were the worst things?

Lexi: OK. So this is something that no one else knows until now, except for Josh and my mother who were in the room with me but É the underlay of the skirt had, for some reason, it was a ball gown dress on the bottom but, the underlay was like as straight as straight could possibly be and it was so snug I couldnÕt even pull it down. Like at all! So IÕm standing in the mirror and this actually happened on the wedding day, and I looked in the mirror behind me and I said ÒYou can see my butt! You can see my whole butt! We canÕt do this at all!Ó 

So my mom had to cut a slit all the way up the side of the É I guess the slip, I guess you would call it, underneath the dress. So I had a very sexy slit underneath my full ballgown! But that was the only thing we could do with the last minute that we had. That was the downfall, or the low end of the dress.

But the positive side of the dress was I felt so comfortable. I think itÕs really important for a bride to feel comfortable on her wedding day. And I donÕt É I donÕt mean like oh sweat pants and a sweat shirt comfortable. I mean comfortable in their own skin, whether it be a bride or a groom because the day is filled with so many emotions. And to make sure that what youÕre wearing makes you feel confident and makes you feel beautiful, and just exactly how you want to be feeling on that day is so critical. So that dress made me feel all of those things. And I was super thankful for being able to find something like that. 

When, you know, itÕs so funny to me when you say that a large percentage didnÕt find their dress until a month before because I was starting to become very panic stricken. Like I said before thinking, ÒOh, I might never find something so I just have to find something thatÕs good enough.Ó

I would feel so badly for a bride or a groom that felt that way on their wedding day because what you wear should make you feel like itÕs the most wonderful day of your life. Because it really truly is going to be one of the most wonderful days of your whole life.    

Lauren: Who were you before the wedding and what were you after the wedding having gone through this process?

Lexi: Oh my goodness. OK, so, I changed a lot after my last relationship. I think probably because I was forcing myself to be someone that someone wanted me to be for such a very long time. So the process of meeting Josh and falling in love and planning a wedding and finding the perfect outfit was all me really truly identifying for the first time in a really long time what I truly wanted. And what I truly thought was important. And how I wanted to be perceived. And who I truly was. Which is just someone who doesnÕt really care about what people think. Honestly. It really is. 

And somebody who wants to be comfortable and classic.I want to be someone who is ÒWhat you see is what you getÓ and I think when choosing that outfit I went through so many different phases. And then when I found this dress it had just the right of classic, just the right of whimsical, not too much bougeoisy or stuffy, not too fancy É

So I think the process of finding my dress was, now that I actually talk about it out loud, was very much involved with formulating who I truly was as a person. And I think one of the reasons why I needed JoshÕs opinion was because I was still seeking to find strength in my insecurity with that. And one of the things that I can say about my husband is he believed in me more than I believed in myself until I was able to believe in myself. And that was really helpful. 

Lauren: ItÕs a validation. 

Lexi: Yeah, exactly. It was. It was like the final thing I needed to make everything complete. The final piece of the puzzle. 

Lauren: In a sense weÕre all connected and weÕre all just trying to find who we truly are.

Lexi: ItÕs so true. In face I feel like my style in general life of how I choose to dress didnÕt even truly match what my wedding dress ended up being. I tended to be at the time very trendy in my clothing. And as I, I started to shop for my wedding dress I was realizing, IÕm actually really wanting something thatÕs more classic and a little bit more structured. And more timeless. 

Lauren: Why that pivot at that moment?

Lexi: Gosh, I donÕt know. IÕve never thought about it. I think, I think itÕs because I felt like my real life was about to start. I felt like for the very first time everything was real. And up until this point I was just getting ready for it. 

I always wanted to be married, but I wanted to be married to the right person. That was really important. It wasnÕt that I wanted to be married to anyone, I wanted to be married to who God had for me. Who my partner was going to be for life. That was really important for me to find that person. And, and I prayed for Josh my whole life. And finding something to wear that was classic and timeless was kind of me stepping into my freedom. Finding something that was going to take me from now until forever. And I knew in the first phone call that he was the one that was for me. 

Lauren: Your story, itÕs so beautiful. Your relationship, itÕs so beautiful what you have. And IÕm so thrilled and happy that you were able to share it with me and you were so open about it. Thank you so much.